He's like a black cloud

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
He's like a black cloud
5
Wed, 11-17-2010 - 7:26pm
My ex boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. We both realized that my feelings were not as strong as his and the relationship needed to end. He's not taking it too well. I'm fine and am trying to rekindle an old romance. But it seems like whenever I feel like I'm making good headway with the new guy, start feeling happy and excited I get a long sappy, angry email from my ex. Its almost like he can tune into when I'm happy and bug the happiness right out iof me. I don't know what to do. He says he's trying to be friends and is angered that I no longer speak to him. But I'm not ready to be friends yet we only broke up 6 weeks ago. I had been through several bad breakups and I know how he's feeling right now and that's how I know being friends too soon will only confuse him. I feel sorry for him and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I did but I need him to get out of my life. He acts like I'm the villan, those are the themes of his emails, and the 'least' I could do is remain friends with him. But what should I do? I really want to get together with this new guy but I feel like the old one is a black cloud that will follow me around forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 9:09am

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-18-2010 - 8:38pm

Sometimes I think it's just unrealistic to be able to be friends after a breakup from a relationship, esp. if one person has moved on to dating other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 6:31pm
I know exactly how you feel because the same thing happened to me. I finally had a heart to heart with my ex and told him that I wasn't romantically interested in him anymore. He kept trying to ask questions and would say "what if I did this or that", like it was going to change how I felt. I told him, you can rationalize all you want but it doesn't change how I feel and it won't change how I feel - ever. He finally got the message and hasn't contacted me since.

My point is, you have to make it clear that you are no longer interested period and that it is not going to change. Cut the string he seems to holding onto once and for all.

When I did it, I felt relief immediately. And you know what else happened? The "black cloud" lifts and you start to feel positive about yourself. Its amazing. Then someone explained to me that how you feel about yourself in a relationship is a good indicator of whether or not it is right for you. The right relationship will make you feel positive about who you are and you will have the desire to grow into an even better person. I thought, "Wow! I never looked at it that way."

Hope this helps. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 3:53pm

I've given him the heart to heart, the "closure" he's asked for and then some. He doesn't understand why I don't talk to him like we used to and you are exactly right, it's because I know he'll spend the time trying to get us back together. And I don't feel like dealing with his temper

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2010
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 6:51pm
"I got a nasty-gram from him last week because I walked by him and a friend of ours said 'hello' but told him I had to leave when he followed me out and asked to talk. He wrote that he deserved a better 'hello' than the 'hi guys' I gave him as I walked by. Then he commented on how I didn't give him 5 minutes when he came after me."

Oy-vey, the memories. Mine used to track me down in stores he knew I shopped at and it was virtually impossible to avoid him.

It sounds like he has an issue with letting go. I'm not really sure what you can do about that except to try and avoid him as much as possible. How drastic do you think he will get? Are you afraid of him doing something physical or something to sabotage your life? He's got to have an Achilles Heel somewhere. Is there anything you can think of that would make him step back once and for all? Mine got a little drastic, sent emails, called me at work etc, but that was before I told him that I wasn't interested in him a romantic way anymore. Once I did that he backed off...thankfully.

I'm sorry you are going through this and wish I had some type of advice for you. It sounds like he has issues and while they are "his" issues, it doesn't help the fact that he is overstepping his boundaries and disrespecting your request to be left alone. One thing you can do in the mean time is take a look at you and try to figure out why you ended up in a relationship like this to begin with. What is the lesson for you in all of this. That might help you to change the energy you put out so you won't end up attracting this in the future.

I hope you are able to resolve this for yourself soon. I know it's not easy because I have been there.