He's gone... I can't stop crying

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
He's gone... I can't stop crying
7
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:29pm
My husband moved out yesterday... god it was just awful. I went thru the day mostly numb, feeling exhausted, and didn't really cry until he came to say goodbye. Then he left and I haven't been able to get a grip since.

He never packed correctly and didn't get anyone to help him so I ended up helping. The split was more or less amicable, I guess... no fighting or anything like that... just a sense of disillusionment and the realization that it was over. So, anyway, the move was long... he didn't leave until 12:40 this morning. He still has to come back on Wednesday to get the computer, a few last things and our German Shepherd and the cat...

This morning I got up and the house was just so empty. Pretty much how I feel too. I am so afraid now... afraid of being alone again, afraid of dating, afraid about how long it's going to hurt, afraid I won't find anyone else who compares (which I KNOW is pathetic because he wasn't always great to me anyway)... I know this is all normal and I've heard every cliche about how it's for the best and there are better things out there for me, about how strong I am and how I'll be just fine. But dammit this hurts so bad. I have been convincing myself that all those cliches are true and I suppose they are. I know I have to choose my fate now, choose to be happy again and set my own destiny. But I gotta stop crying somehow first. I have to stop thinking about what could've been, because it will never be. And I HAVE to stop imagining him happy with other women... it's just eating me up... if only I could imagine me happy with another man maybe it would help...

Thanks for me listening to my pity party. I can't even ask for advice because I don't know what I need to hear... I'm running out of tissue too...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:41pm
I will just offer my condolences. The breaking up of a marriage is a lot different than ending a gf/bf relationship. They both hurt, but the break up of a marriage can seem like a failure some how. It's funny, because I would have never viewed someone's marriage ending as failure, but I sure viewed mine that way. Even if it was consensual and amicable, there still is a lot of re-building to do. I wouldn't even think about dating right now. Concentrate your energies on adjusting to life on your own and facing your fears. You will also have to deal with the legalities of a divorce, which is never pleasant. Best to have a clear mind.

I know you are probably a bit shell-shocked right now, and you will find yourself going through the stages of grief. You do sound like you have a good head on your shoulders which will serve you well in the coming months. Once again, I am sorry you have to go through this. ((hugs))

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 6:22pm
I am so sorry you are going through this--it must be so painful for you! I know from experience those first few days after a break-up where you walk around like a zombie feeling totally numb. And you wake up in the middle of the night and think the whole thing is just a nightmare, but then you realize--no, this is really happening. This is my life. . .

There's a great article about breaking up at MarsVenus.com where they compare the stages that you go through to the 5 stages of dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance). When you think about it, a break up is like dealing with a death--or at least a loss.

I know it sounds like a cliche, but a year from now you will be different, better and moving forward with your life. Take it one day at a time and give yourself a chance to grieve and heal.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 8:47pm
Hi Jen,

I'm so glad to see that you were able to make your way back here. I know you mentioned in an earlier post that your x-DH was taking the computer with him when he moved out. All I can say about that is - perhaps you can use your local library computer to post. I know that's inconvenient, but at least you can check in w/ us (and vice-versa) and gets you out of the house. Just a thought...

(sniffle... passing the tissue). I don't even know what to say after reading your latest post. I'm so sad to hear about what you're going thru, esp after yesterday's episode. Just wanted to let you know that you've got friends here who care about you and are pulling for you. Post whenever you want, however many times you need to.

Take care of you,

~Claire

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:57am
Hi everyone... thank you to each of you for responding... it's the morning of day two and I made it thru day one... I decided to just make it thru one day and then worry about the next... I can't even think about the future and what life holds for me next right now.

Claire... fortunately I can post from work and check the boards there... I will be in contact for sure...

bless you all for your support and understanding... hugs


Edited 8/10/2004 9:58 am ET ET by cabikerchick

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 3:24pm
yah! i am glad to hear that you can keep in touch w/ us via your work computer. i know for me, when i was especially going thru my rough patches, i was always online. i think if i didn't have this kind of commiseration in person & online, i would've gone crazy.

ok, you've made it thru another 1/2 day w/o your x-dh. you've shown yourself that -yes, you are heartbroken & disappointed, but you still get up every morning, come to work, do your normal routine... basically live life. It may be a lonely life for now - but this won't be forever. like you said, baby steps to recovery. we'll be here w/ ya....

take care,

~Claire

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:16pm
I've actually been thinking about you!!! Am glad you are able to stay online through work. I've been reading your posts and your circumstance seems closest to mine with your husband doing the come here/go away thing. You seem SOOOOO strong; I know it's hard, but you KNOW all the right answers, keep drawing on them because you are doing the right thing. There is a great book that got me through my divorce (I think you and I close to the same age) and a subsequent boyfriend breakup -- it is called "The Girls Guide to Surviving A Breakup" by Delphina Hirsch. Basically the first week all you have to do is BREATHE, it says... which surely you can do! If you can make it to the bookstore (or Amazon) it's worth picking up.

You are smart and strong; you KNOW you'll be fine. Good luck to you & I'm thinking about you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:41pm
seamus... I will check out that book... I've been doing a lot of reading online about the end of a marriage and how to cope... I do know the stages of grieving as I volunteer as a Crisis Interventionist for the local PD... the STBX is a cop... anyway, my group responds to critical incidents (homicide, suicide, domestic violence, rape, SIDS, natural death etc...) and helps people in the first few hours after... and we refer them to counseling pretty often. It seems weird to be applying what I've learned in Crisis to myself, weird but helpful... at least I know I'm not nuts when I'm mad one day, depressed the next, anxious the next, in denial then back to mad... LOL...

I know I will make it thru this... and I know that there will be crappy days in between... it's all part of the process...

btw, I'm 36 yrs old... met the X when I was 27, married at 30 and now divorcing... my wedding anniversary is Sept 19... thinking about going to Vegas for the weekend... play the nickel slots... used to be quarters but I'm a single homeowner now...

thanks to you all again for listening... it really does help to know that there is someone out there who understands where I'm at... hugs...