he's an idiot...i'm just done
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| Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:37pm |
so the breakup was about two weeks ago now. i didn't talk to him and told him i needed time to get over being sad about the situation because he was just overburdened with being a tax accountant and law school and feeling like he was failing everything. so we had a nice post heartfelt breakup talk about how he needs to get his life in order and everything and how deep down he hopes that maybe when it is in order it will work out with us. so i started out sad about the situation and wishing the timing wasn't so bad.
and i had told him before i was still going to go to the mass at the same church and typically he goes to the 5:30 and i was going to go to the noon or whichever was convenient and if we were both there it was ok to sit next to each other but i needed time before i could really talk to him again. and so he shows up late to the noon mass and is trying to talk to me during it and recap what he has been doing in the week and a half that i hvaen't talked to him. follows me out and rehashes what he has been doing everyday that we haven't talked, wants to walk me to the car then asks if i wanted to go get chinese food for chinese new year for lunch. and it was at this point that i came to a big revelation. he. is. an. idiot. later he told me that he thought that we would be fine to talk again but maybe he was wrong and a week was too soon and i'm thinking didn't i tell you i needed time and you said you would respect it and i said it may be 3 weeks, 4 weeks a month.
so i realized. he, like most guys, is oblivious. they can't help it. he's not malicious. he's just an idiot. and i was done being upset and crying about him. he kept asking me what i had been doing everyday. he kept saying he was trying here. i asked him if he was just being nice because he felt guilty and he said no. he really did want me in his life. then i asked him, in the breakup, was it one of the breakups where you know its done and you have NO desire to be back with them again b/c if it was i needed to know. and he said no, he had said it all to me during our 4.5 hour cry-a-thon. so i realized again. he is just a confused idiot. i told him that it was ok to admit that he missed me. and so now i could be annoyed or angry that he is an idiot but its too much energy. i told him i was tired of all of this. and he said if you're so tired of it why do you keep bringing it up and i said i i wasn't going to anymore. i needed clarification what he thought he wanted from me now. and i was just tired and not going to bring this up anymore. because i am.
so now i just feel like i don't care anymore. i am too tired to expend any more energy on him or this whole thing. that i know folks are saying no communication and my thought now is i hope we can be able later on to be normal around each other but for now i just don't want to really initiate contact, he should still respect what i said about needing time and letting him know when i was ready to talk to him and that if i run into him its fine but i don't want to plan to do anything with him anytime soon.
am i fooling myself? because honestly i just feel very DONE with the whole thing. because the whole time he was trying not to be awkward and wanting to tell me everything he did everyday for the weeks of not talking i was thinking...you. are. an. idiot. and when he asked what i had been doing i just kept thinking its really none of your business anymore.
guess i'm just tired of it all. but i still care about the jerk. but he is an idiot and is just oblivious. he misses me and can't pinpoint why. that's my thought.

The way you wrote that, well, it was funny, though I'm sure that's not what you intended. LOL - sorry.