he's leaving and there's someone new!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
he's leaving and there's someone new!
1
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:53pm

I am in the process of breaking up with my long-term boyfriend and it’s so much harder than I expected. We have kind of a unique situation – we were together for a little while about 4 years ago, broke up for a year, and now have been back together for two.

Our situation is that he is from overseas (Kuwait) and I was born and raised here. He has lived here for seven years, going to school, but I always knew that he planned to move back home after graduating and make his life there. In August, I moved back to the town where I went to college to live closer to him and we started having a few problems – it had been mainly a long-distance thing for a while before that and we had a tough time adjusting to being together every day – we argued a bit but not much more than most couples. We had talked about me moving back with him and us getting married, and he was planning on going back and talking to his family about it and all that. Then suddenly I started doubting whether I would ever be truly happy that far away from my friends and family, in a culture I had no clue about, teaching my children things that I didn’t fully believe in. By December I had pretty much made up my mind that I was 90% sure I didn’t ever want to move to Kuwait.

Around that time, I started realizing that one of my friends from work was more interested in me than as just a friend. We started to hang out a little bit and every minute I spent with him I realized that I was developing feelings for him. He is the opposite of my boyfriend in many ways – while my boyfriend tends to be somewhat controlling and temperamental, Scott is laid-back and easygoing. We also had very close to the same upbringing and have very similar ideas and beliefs on how we want to live and raise a family, something that was lacking in my relationship with my boyfriend.

So after Christmas I had a talk with my BF where I told him that I didn’t think I was ever going to move to Kuwait with him and he understood, we had a great conversation about it. We decided just to make the most of the four months we have left (he graduates in May) and just love each other the best we can until then. Well, things were fine for a few days and then the arguing began again, and on New Years we had a terrible fight, screaming at each other and calling each other names. The arguments were little fights that he picked with me, just always nitpicking on things about me, saying I didn’t know how to behave in public and things like that, which is totally untrue and really upset me. So after that I started to feel myself pulling away from him, as a combination of anger and also preparing myself for when he leaves. I guess I was putting my guard up and trying to put some distance between us so it won’t hurt as much when he leaves.

Well, he sensed that and got so upset that I was trying to distance myself, that I wasn’t responsive sexually anymore and he felt like I shut myself off from him. This whole time I was still hanging out with Scott and liking him more every day, and couldn’t help comparing the fun I had with him to all the drama I was having with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to get caught up comparing a new relationship, which is always fun and exciting, to a comfortable long-term relationship, but at the same time I just could never see myself having these problems with Scott.

So finally, about two weeks ago, I told my boyfriend I needed to take a break from him. I said I was really having a hard time dealing with everything, especially since we had basically already signed the death sentence on our relationship when we decided that we wouldn’t be together once he left in May. I guess I just started to not be able to see the point in putting all this effort in to make the relationship work when it was going to be over in four months anyway. And I wanted to be able to get to know Scott better without feeling like I was cheating. So of course, my BF took it really badly and was just devastated, especially when I told him I was thinking about seeing other people. I responded that he had to be realistic about the facts, that I’m almost 24 years old and I’m going to have to move on someday, and that when we really think about it, HE’s the one that’s packing up and leaving me. Even though I knew from the beginning that he was going, I still feel resentment over the fact that I’m going to be the one left behind.

So at this point, I told him I just want to try to be friends, that things have gotten screwed up to the point where I can’t feel right about being physically intimate with him. I also told him I need some time away from him, like not to see him or talk to him every single day, so I can get my head on straight without him there to influence how I feel. When I see him so upset, I just want to do anything to make it easier on him, even if it’s not what makes me happy. And with Scott, I know that I’m going to end up with him one day and I’m falling for him more every day, but we’re in limbo because we can’t even start dating seriously until this whole situation is worked out. But my BF asked me to please at least wait until he’s gone to start seeing other people because it would break his heart, and he said that if he’s going to agree to give me the time and space I need, I can have mercy on him and at least grant him that one thing while he’s here – and I agree with him that I owe him that much after all we’ve been through.

SO… I guess my question is, how would you deal with something like this? I’ve got a great new guy who’s willing to wait as long as it takes for me to set things right and be ready for a relationship with him, and I’ve got another guy who’s my best friend and I love to death, but have absolutely no future with and only have him here for four months. I don’t know what my plan of action should be and it keeps me up every night – I feel like I’m being selfish wanting to still be friends with BF and spend time with him before he goes, while already thinking about a future with Scott. Is this wrong? What do you all think? Sorry this is so long, congrats if you made it all the way to the end!

katesigdone
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 8:38pm

Yes, I made it to the end... because I could have written it myself!!!! Three weeks ago I ended my engagement. When reality set in I realized I just wasn't ready to get married & be living in a new city (new country for you!?!?!) this summer. We were together for a year & 1/2 and then lost contact for 2 1/2 years & got back together last summer. I feel as though we really rushed things & we were talking about weddings, kids & our future together in no time.

Whether it's "wrong" or not... I don't think so. I met someone at the Christmas party last month & we talked some that night (my fiance had been gone for 2 months & I had been doing a lot of thinking & starting to have my doubts around that time). It just made me realize there was one more reason to end this. I am just not ready to settle down... I have been in relationships since I was 15 years old & I just need some time for me. And I realized that there were certain qualities in this new guy that I really really liked & could see me wanting to know him better.

So I told my x that I could not marry him or even be engaged & we needed to take a step back. It didn't come out in the very beginning about seeing other people but of course when it did, he didn't take it very well either. But I just felt that I had to be honest with him... what else could I do?

I don't think it is fair of your bf to ask you not to see anyone for 4 months. Are you breaking up or not? It sounds like it may be more of a control issue for him. If you enjoyed spending time with him and he treated you w/respect then it would be different. But the way it sounds you'd just be suffering through 4 months to try to do what he wants! Do what YOU want to do and be happy. :-)