He's talking about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
He's talking about me.
7
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 9:05pm

Hi everyone. I am back to the boards. My background info: my BF dumped me 6 weeks or so ago when his first and only GF before me (from eight years ago!!) made a reapperance. He said he needed to see where that went and that is that, in a nutshell. Sandra: I'd particularly appreciate your input on this :)


We have had absolutely no contact whatsoever, even though we work together--albeit different offices. But, two

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 12:14am

It's a mixture of guilt and possibly loneliness. He wants things to be normal because he's the one who broke up with you, and if you've been in that situation, think of how you wanted to ease the guilt of breakup up with someone who you didn't want to be with anymore (or, barring that, rejecting someone for a date that you really didn't want to go out with, etc.). It's much worse for you than it is for him, and of course he wants things to be "normal" between you. It's up to you whether or not you want to try to maintain a friendship, but I'm going to say that every single person I know who did that ended up miserable, and getting back together for a short time and ending up even more upset in the end.

So, yes, I think it's guilt and nothing more. Residual feelings can be very powerful, but ultimately, disappointing. You'll meet someone who WON'T break up with you for an old girlfriend after EIGHT YEARS of separation. That is so lame! You deserve so much better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:57am

Hi mimijiminy1569 -

It seems like you're hanging in there! You know that you deserve better than someone who would leave you for someone else.

In the beginning of our break up, my ex would call me about every 2 weeks. He was overwhelmed by the amount of sadness and guilt he felt for messing up what we had. And after every convo I would always feel unsatisfied, because even though he was telling me what I wanted to hear, he wasn't following through and coming back to me. He had his issues to deal with. Therefore I said, okay, no more calls.

I figured that it doesn't matter what he says or how he feels unless he's willing to DO something about it. And in your case I'm sure he knows he made a horrible mistake, and I'm sure he believes he doesn't deserve an amazing girl like you and that you deserve so much better.

Until he can man up and say, that he does deserve you because he knows that he will never make the mistake again of losing you, then really his talking to your co-worker shouldn't mean much to you.

I agree that it can make you feel good, but then I bet you feel like, Okay so when is he going to contact me and tell me how he feels and get back with me??

""Needless to say, both of us were shocked that he even made an attempt to talk to her. He's intensely private, and has trouble talking about his feelings in general.""

This was my ex. He wouldn't talk to people about his feelings - he would always try to fix his problems himself. So when I found out my ex was talking to his friends - those who don't know about me and those who do - about me and how he messed up and etc, it did mean something to me. I would say that your ex is truly realizing that he screwed up big time and doesn't know where to start or even IF to start picking up the pieces. He's going out of his comfort zone and talking about his feelings for you because this is something that really matters to him - probably more than he thought.

I'm sure he feels guilty, but I'm also sure he's going crazy adapting to the fact that he may have lost you forever. But truly, unless he's doing something about it, I suggest you continue to move on. Plus, keep in mind, as you said, he may change his own mind when he has a chance to see his ex girlfriend again.

Big hugs and good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 2:48pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 4:44pm

Hey -

Honestly girl, you are handling this very well. You handled the breakup great! You didn't freak out and spazz on him (maybe you did) but you saw him as his own person who had his own desires no matter how crazy they may have seemed to you. My ex had times during our relationship where he wanted to meet other girls cause he felt trapped. I SOOO didn't want him to feel trapped in our relationship, so even though I was hurt, I knew I had to let him go and do his thing. Because why in heck would I want a guy who felt trapped with me?

You let him go cause you wanted him to figure this out. Because it wouldn't be fair to him or you to pretend he wasn't curious about what's on the other side of the fence. And I'm sure you know that he'll probably realize whatever was on the other side of the fence wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. But only he can get to that conclusion.

And you're right, it will be a lot of hard work on his part if he wanted to start things up with you again.

5 months after my breakup with my ex, he finally calls me and says he wants to talk to me to work things out. It took my ex 5 months to finally find the answers he needed in order to believe he deserves me and can commit to me. (Or so I think; we still have yet to talk about this). And I don't know how it's going to play out. I had finally thought I was moving on, and now I'm faced with the possibility that my ex is going to work his a$$ off to be with me. I don't know what he has to do in order to earn my trust back. I'm not sure how he's going to pick up the pieces. I don't know how I'm supposed to act. So many confusing things.

But anyway, back to you: I'm not sure how long you guys have been broken up. I know it feels like you want him to come back to you now. Like he should have figured this out already! I was like that 1 month after the breakup, then 2 months after, then 3 months I was like, What happened with him?? Then 4 months after I'm like, Well he obviously doesn't want to be with me. If he can't figure out his stuff now, then he's not the one for me. Then 5 months later he calls me up.

You never know how long it'll take someone to really straighten out their issues.
He's going to feel like crap for a long time. So you may hear about him for a while. Or not. But only until he has truly, deeply, and seriously thought his issues through he will come to a conclusion - to be with you or not. But it may take a while.

I suggest you stick with what you're doing - moving on and enjoying life. You seem to be A-Okay during this time so don't falter! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 5:45pm

Hi! Thanks again. I love having someone "listen" :) I think outwardly I am handling this well, but I know I can do better. I self sabotage all the time. I talk about it to the people who know (because that's new to me--I have problems talking about my feelings!). Even posting here is a deterrent, to an extent. I allow myself to think about him all the time, and haven't yet set a timeframe by which should be willing myself to get over it already. I know that sounds weird, but it can be done--I have done it before. It's just that with this one, it's almost as if I am certain he is coming back, and that is preventing me from moving forward as much as I should.


When we broke up (about 6 weeks ago), I didn't freak and spazz out believe it or not! I kept my dignity. I cried a lot, wept actually with hiccups, but that was it. Even if I had been given a choice to let go or not, I would have. Just like you, I'm too good of a catch to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with me 100%.


As for your situation, I hope I am over this one way or another at the 5-month mark! But, I'd be curious about what your dude has to say. When are you supposed to talk? Has a date been set? Go with your gut. It's never wrong--you just know how to listen to it. So if he says something that makes you wince, wince. Sounds suspicious? Tell him that. If you believe him, tell him you believe him. (That, by the way, goes a long way with the positive reinforcement aspect of things.) I think you'll know sooner rather than later what he needs to do in order to win your trust back, even if you don't know exactly what he needs to do. You'll either feel it, or not. They key is to NOT compromise.


In these 5 months, did you feel yourself moving on? I can't bear the thought of being where I am today in 4 months. I do want him to come back NOW, but I know that even if he did, it would be too soon to be real. He needs more than 6 weeks to figure his $hit out.


"He's going to feel like crap for a long time." That's kind of interesting. Why would he? I guess because I was his best friend, the one person he trusted and respected unconditionally, and because he hurt me beyond description.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 7:00pm

hey -


""I think outwardly I am handling this well, but I know I can do better. I self sabotage all the time.""


Me too. But then I think, wait a minute - look at the hand I was dealt. Of course I can't expect myself to handle this perfectly! My heart has been broken by this man! Of course there will be times where I don't act as mature as I should, where I may be stubborn, or act irrationaly, or curse the world, etc. So don't be so hard on yourself.


""I allow myself to think about him all the time, and haven't yet set a timeframe by which should be willing myself to get over it already. I know that sounds weird, but it can be done--I have done it before. It's just that with this one, it's almost as if I am certain he is coming back, and that is preventing me from moving forward as much as I should. ""


I was like you too. In the beginning. And 6 weeks is not enough time to believe that the relationship is forever and ever over and there's no chance of reconciling. Well, I mean it wasn't enough time for me. I tried hard to believe that he would never come back, but I couldn't think that cause of how horrible he felt for breaking my heart and for how much he missed me. I felt it would happen eventually. But it took a conversation with him to make me really give up and say, well, its more likely not going to work out. That night after the conversation I was uber depressed cause it really solidified that we were on different paths.


But lo and behold, when I thought I was getting over him and enjoying my single life, he decides that he's ready.


I'm curious what my guy has to say as well. And here's the annoying part - he didn't set a date to talk. And here I am trying really hard not to wait for him to call. Boys stink.


Thank you for your advice. I know for a fact I can't compromise, and if it doesn't feel right I have to be strong enough to say it won't work. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 7:56pm
Hi again! Can you tell I'm not doing anything tonight?! You're right, I think I am being too hard on myself in trying to accelerate the process. Funny thing is, my previous relationship lasted 5 years...and