Hi from another newly broken heart..!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Hi from another newly broken heart..!
6
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 5:36pm

Hi. Sorry to drop in here only in my hour of need, firstly. However, I know that there is a lot of support at iVillage (I've been here before, not this board though), and I need to grab some of that right now. Also, I do hope to be able to give back, as I get more familiar with all of you - newbies and regulars!!

I'm tempted to give you the details of my story, but it's just about a breakup.. It's a fresh one (for me, that is - apparently not so fresh for my guy since he has apparently broken up with me in his heart/mind some time ago). We lived together 2yrs, he didn't have a job during that time, myself and my family supported him emotionally and financially, he gave me a ring, he called me his fiancee,.. all the usual stuff. He is from British Columbia, and I'm in Ontario... he recently got a great new job in BC, moved out there "ahead" of me, and I was supposed to follow after he got a place and got settled. He moves in to the place next weekend, and guess what I found out this weekend... surprise, he doesn't want me to follow now.

Well, I can't say that I am a pro at this, but I'm 40 years old now, I am divorced from a 15 year marriage, and before that I had my heart broken by my university "fiancee". I know in my head that I am still worthy, still attractive, still a good catch for someone.. but right now I feel very "disposable", very "used", and very stupid. My guy, my "ex", has tried to be kind and has given me opportunity to ask questions of him, and to cry and rage at him, and of course he loves me (he actually said, "like a sister" - thanks buddy!). But it hurts. I feel betrayed. I feel like he was a coward to not break up with me until he got 3000 miles away first!

I guess I'm just here right now to introduce myself and tell you a bit about my situation. I think I know all the "right" stuff that I should be thinking and doing for myself, but as I say the hurt is very fresh and I'm in genuine pain. So I expect I will be around here to soak up some good vibes and find strength from all of you to just get on with things. Aren't the evening hours the very worst? That's probably when I will have to post a "help me now" discussion...

So thanks in advance for letting me join in here. I promise, I'm not entirely selfish and needy, I am a good ear too!

Cheers to all,
Lydia

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 7:36pm

Big HUGS being sent your way, Lydia! I'm so sorry to hear you are hurting right now. Your story isn't just *another* breakup story - for you it's something that is raw and prominent in your life right now, and it's so good to just let everything out. I know, because I've been here for almost two weeks, when me and my ex broke up.

I am getting better, day by day. I've never been through a breakup like this before. Basically, he fell out of love with me six months ago. I've been through so many emotions, it's unbelievable. I never knew I was capable of feeling so many emotions.

I'm finding that talking to everyone, anyone, really helps me a lot. This board has been amazing to me, so I'm trying my very best to lend a supportive ear to anyone who needs to let it all out. I may not be the best at giving advice, but I'll try!

Evenings are a bad time for me too. Weekends, especially Friday nights, are probably the worst. I used to go to his place from Wednesday to Sunday, so I just feel as though I should be somewhere else on those nights. Whenever I'm feeling blue because I used to be elsewhere, with him, I either come on this board to vent, or I find someone to have a cup of tea with. People are probably getting sick of me!

I know this breakup has made you feel like all those things you mentioned, but believe me, and I know it's hard to, because I didn't believe anyone either (still working on it), but you aren't, this had nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry if I can't be more help, but please feel free to find strength from us around here, even though we are all going through the same thing!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 8:57pm

Hey! Thank you! So sorry about your breakup too. It's nice of you to say that mine isn't just another breakup - that's what I do so much, minimize or downplay my own crap, you know? I think a lot of us do that, but we really are doing a diservice to our own souls when we do. thanks for reminding me that my stuff counts too!

I'm so in shock... probably that's going to take a while to dissipate. Yes, the "i fell out of love with you" stuff just sucks. I think it was my guy's way of genuinely trying to assure me that it wasn't me that did something wrong, but that it was something that changed in him. Still though, it sucks. As of right now, I am hoping he will fall back into love with me. But intellectually, I know that is not going to happen. So I will make myself accept it.

Okay here's the evil, petty girl in me - I have his dog with me... yep, me and the dog were supposed to move out west to be with him, now he just wants the dog.. So you can imagine what Evil Lydia fantasizes about.. I love the dog too, we bought her together, and oh boy could I ever hurt him badly if I refused to send him our puppy! But I would never do it. It's just an evil fantasy. But it felt good to say it/write it out loud!

thanks for your response, autumngirly, I too hope to be able to be a support here. it's just great to have some friends to lean on, who happen to be going through the same stuff.

Lydia

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 2:41am

Hi Lydia, and welcome! I'm sorry you're going through this hard time, and he does sound like he's a coward for breaking up with you from 3,000 miles away. Like he couldn't face you or something. I think you deserve better than that after two years and an engagement. Just be glad he didn't go through with the wedding and then decide he'd fallen out of love ...

Let me ask you something, why can't you keep the dog? If you bought him together, and you love the dog as much as he does, why can't you keep him? If I were you, I would seriously consider doing that. It might be a nice reminder of something that was good in your relationship. And it really sounds like you don't owe this man a thing.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 1:17pm

Hi Lydia ,
you're not selfish or needy, when you're going through a heartbreak, you just have the urge to talk to someone that's feeling your pain and understands, and girl, believe me,
I am feeling you. I have a similar Story, but I was an Idiot not to know for a long time, so be glad that he didn't have you move there, and still continue what he's doing, because I wish my man would've told me a long time ago.......
We met in San Diego,CA back in late 1998.I was seperating with my Husband at the time, whom I share 3 Kids with. In May'99 I moved in with my boyfriend. My Husband moved to OH by the end of that year,I had to follow shortly after, because we made a promise to always stay within the same state/city for the kids to visit. My Boyfriend and I left San Diego in Oct.'99,(Roadtrip), he dropped me off in OH and continued on to Maryland, where his Parents lived. I decided to stay with my Ex until I found work and a place to stay, so my boyfriend can come to OH and live with me. A few months passed until I finally had my own place,it was March 2000 and he was ready to move in.During the time of seperation we've visited each other maybe every 2-3 weeks, I'd even catch the Greyhound, and he usually drove 500 miles oneway. We were so in Love,and couldn't wait to finally start my new Life over with him. And we did........now, just last week I found out that he's seeing someone in the Maryland area, and that he met her when he first went back there in 1999. She told me they were together almost every day during that time, and then one day he told her he had to leave, he's doing some Business traveling with a Buddy, but he actually moved with me. They've been in contact off and on for the last six years, but got more serious since the beginning of this year, planning a cruise for this fall, saying "I love you", all kinds of things. She didn't even know about me, until May 19th when I found out her E-Mail and wrote to her to introduce myself, we ended up talking on the Phone for an hour, and everything came out. She wants nothing to do with him anymore, and neither do I!!!
Now he's back with his Mom, she moved to Philly in the meantime. He's very upset with me for contacting his other Lady, but that's what he gets for playing us two women all this time, I am mostly hurt that he's more upset of loosing her, it's like I don't even matter,and like you I feel disposable, I'm almost 40, too, and I know I still got it going on, but I just need to pick (scrape) myself back up, quit drowning my sorrows in a bottle of wine every night..........and move on to bigger & better things, no men for now (except to take care of my sexual urges).I'm still in my prime after all!!!

Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you, Lydia,be glad you didn't move there, and have him sneak with someone else behind you'r back before you'd find out years later!
Men are such cowards, that's why he waited to tell you until he was far enough away from you, and only a gigolo will have his Girl & even Family take care of him financially, that's probably what he's doing right now with the new one.......be glad it's not you.
You'll hurt for a while and then you'll realize you're better off, I keep telling myself , I just hope it works ;0)

Take care, and let me know about your progress, 'cause I'm feeling pretty needy at times myself to pour out my Soul..........and my broken Heart...............

Queen of Sorrow

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 7:37am

thank you for the thoughts! I think after a couple of nights' sleeps (although not very good sleeps!) I am more able to see that this is really a good thing... You are right, a marriage would have been disasterous, I think!

And my little dog... I love her so much! I will tell you the truth, he loves her even more I think (well, if that was possible). And doggie loves him, too, very very much - they are real buddies. So I just don't think I can keep the two of them apart. He wants her, he would be devastated if I kept her. But it is a hard thing for me.

There is another part to this, although i could easily figure something out - a little while ago I had looked into teaching English as a second language in Latin America, and now, I have decided to do it. So I'm going to Mexico City in September, for three months at first, but I may decide to stay a lot longer. Doggie could not have come with me, so this helps me to give her up.

I will have other dogs in my life, not that this one is replaceable, but I will have others. I am a HUGE dog person. He had never had a dog before, and he was pretty skeptical. Just the way he bonded with her is a really cool thing, and like I say, I don't have the heart to keep them apart. So puppy is flying out there in five weeks - talk to me a month from now, I might have changed my tune completely!

Lydia

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:09am

Oh my goodness, Queen! I am so sorry for your heartache. Bless you for sharing it with me! I could very, very easily have kept on with my guy, long distance for a while and me believing we were still engaged.. while he did the exact same thing to me that you have gone through. It's not that I ever thought he would, but then I never thought he would move away and then dump me, right?!

How are YOU? I hear you about the bottle of wine! Good to know that you are looking ahead, as hard as it must be. This is what we are here for, to help each other keep on looking ahead. So, you hang in there too! We are excellent, worthy human beings who deserve the best. We will find it, we will! (even if finding it means, finding it on our own for a while, which is i think my path now).

take care and stay in touch,
Lydia