His birthday is coming up this week

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
His birthday is coming up this week
10
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 8:26pm
Should I send a card, e-card, e-mail, call, or do nothing at all?

We were together for 8-months. He took me out for my birthday in July (2 weeks b4 we broke up). We've spoken twice since the break-up 5 wks ago. Both times the convos were cordial.

I miss him, but I believe in NC, so we're not "friends". We are NOT getting back together, but I feel like I should do something. What do you all think?

-Izuri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 8:59pm

I think that if you don't consider him as a "friend" then technically, you don't need to send a card or anything.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:14pm
The only thing I DO know is that I'm not calling (LOL)

I still care about him, and I will be thinking about him on his day. He knows it, and I know it. Time heals, and I'm much better now than I was 5 weeks ago. Our romantic relationship is over (I'm not in denial), but I still want to send some sort of gesture to acknowledge his day.

When I say we are not "friends", I mean that instantly switching from a romantic relationship to friendship doesn't work for me (thus the NC).

Finding this board was such a blessing, I felt I should ask my fellow board-members, before making any moves (LOL)

-Izuri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 12:23am
If you really feel that you need to do something, I would suggest an ecard. However, if he responds in anyway.. just do not respond back. That way, you can send him birthday wishes without totally breaking the no contact rule.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 9:15pm
This IS a tough one!

My ex's birthday was three days after we broke up about a month ago (our breakup was reasonably mutual after two years of being again/off again/let's get married/we need to break up because he feels pressured") and I KNEW he would be expecting me to acknowledge it in some way. I agonized over it, and in the end, decided that that it would just open the door for him to contact me in reply (he STILL wants us to be "friends", which isn't enough for me, so I'm wary of contact with him). I suspected he would be hurt by me not wishing him Happy Birthday, but I am mighty hurt myself and am done bending over backwards to make HIM happy.

I let the day pass, and it turned out he called me at around 11:30pm, saying to my machine "It's my birthday -- Happy Birthday to me...!" As if I could forget it was his birthday... HA. With the benefit of a few weeks no contact behind me, it now seems rather sad -- him calling me at the end of the day like that. All I could think was, "if you push people out of your life, you're going to be hunting around for people to call at 11:30pm on your birthday...."

In your case, if you feel really strongly about doing something, I'd agree with the other posters -- go ahead and recognize it in a PASSIVE way (i.e., no phone calls!) but don't start the contact again unless you want to start your healing all over again.

Good luck --

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:42am
My ex's birthday is also on this week, the 9th of September.

He knows I know because we celebrated last year. I have thought about it and decided that I will not call him or send any card to him. This is my way to tell him that I am trying to recover my dignity again. I have been so nice to him and in return he has been indifferent all this time and cold. Why shoul we still be nice to men who do not care about the pain we are going thru because of them?. THey do not deserve any ecards or calls from us.

Yes, maybe they will feel sad and disappointened but that is NOTHING compared to how we feel right now. I wouldn't recommend anybody to contact her ex to wish him a happy birthday. It's calling for trouble again.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:10pm
I'm agonizing with the same question. He broke up with me about a month ago, we had a fight, and he got very angry. Now his b-day is in less than 2 weeks. I thought either a card or nothing, definitely no calls.

He wants to stay friends as he told me, and was trying to contact me since. I think he's maybe regreting now and feeling guilty. I'm not sure if he's trying to get back together or just coping with the guilt issue. So I'm not sure what the best way to handle this. I also believe in NC. I just had an email from him asking how I'm doing. So now I'm agonizing wether to reply or not, and if yes what to say. I guess I'm still not clear for myself if I would want to get back together or eventually be 'just friends'.

What should do? Reply to him or ignore??
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 10:34pm
If you really want to do no contact (which I suggest) then I wouldn't do anything. E-mails, cards, IM's are all forms of contact...just like if you were to talk to him on the phone or face to face and can be equally as detrimental to your healing process. Good luck no matter what you decide and we're here if you need us!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:03am
Hello,

I know how much you want to know about him. It is difficult to believe that once we break up we have to break any contact with someone who was so important in our lives. Unfortunately this is the only way to move on and feel better. By replying to his emails you would only torture yourself, he probably wants to be your "friend" and deep in your heart you want something else. You are in a very vulnerable position and for that reason you can make mistakes so easily. My ex sent me an email yesterday, and I felt so sad and started crying again. I will not reply because it would make my life more miserable, I would be expecting his reply and sooner or later I will get trapped again in this terrible and cruel cycle.

Don't send him a card for his birthday, he had the courage to decide that you were not the woman of his dreams, then don't put yourself in a degradating position by being nice to him and considerate. He won't appreciate that, his ego will be bigger. Don't give him that pleasure.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:45am
i was in ur situation 2 weeks ago. to answer ur question, just send him a birthday card through the mail (on time) with a little note saying..."Happy birthday....hope u r well...good luck in life....take care."
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:17am
I posted the original message last week.

Since that post, he has emailed me. I did send the card. It got there on time.

He called me to thank me. The convo went very well, but we kept it brief;-)

I had no hidden agenda. The card was very generic, something you would send to a friend or colleague. I don't regret sending it, and this did not set me back.

Am I completely over him? No, BUT I don't feel as sad as I used to. He is "just a man", no longer on the pedestal that I placed him on. It felt good to talk to him, but it felt even better knowing that I am stronger. Today marks 6-weeks! and life really does go on, not for our ex's, but for us as well.

Thanks for everyone's feedback!

-Izuri