His Dad Passed Away

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
His Dad Passed Away
15
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 8:09pm
I just found out his dad passed away a couple of days ago (he's been ill for quite some time). One of my coworkers saw it in the paper and called me. I feel like I should acknowledge this in some way but really don't want to call him. If I call him I know I will get upset and I don't want to do that. My friend offered to go to the visitaion with me but I don't really want to do that either. What would you all do?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 8:38pm

Oh, that's a tough one. I know you want to acknowledge this for obvious reasons but given how much he's struggled with accepting your breakup, you don't want to give him false hope. The fact remains that the two of you are broken up and not yet in a place where you're able to be friends, so that makes this very tough.

I think sending a sympathy card by regular mail (ie., not an e-card) would be the best course. And I wouldn't write much other than signing your name. You want to convey that you're sorry for his loss but not more.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 10:47pm

I wish I had seen the other message of yours before, I would have told you something altogether different, something like "listen to what the man has to say."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:15pm

I just read your other post for background. You all dated for 2 years... this wasn't just a casual relationship. I'm sure when he made the angry comment saying he wanted to talk about his dad, and that you didn't care, it was just that - an angry comment, that had nothing really to with you or your relationship together. He is in pain. An unbelievable amount of pain, and probably shock.

At the very minimum send a sympathy card. But I suggest you also leave him a message or send an email (if that's easier for you, better yet, briefly call him), letting him know you are available to LISTEN. I don't know how close you were w/ his dad and family, but if you were close, I suggest you make an appearance at the viewing or service (unless of course you think he might have an angry outburst).

You have to do what you're comfortable with - and if that's just sending a card, that's fine. But honestly, I would include a note that "if he wants/needs to talk about his dad, you are avaiable to listen to him".

Be sincere in caring for him as a friend. You don't have to be gushy, you don't have to feel you're leading him on, you don't have to suggest a date, etc.... just let him know what you feel in regards to him losing his father (ie sorry). It doesn't have to be elaborate. But I will tell you, I've been on both ends... you'll feel better in the long run if you acknowledge his loss... and he probably needs to tell you about it and hear from you as someone who was important in his life, that you are sorry for his loss.

Please just don't ignore it.

My best to you,
zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:22pm

Sandra, I'm not sure which message you are referring to (there have been many). I did post about a week ago about an email he sent me saying he would like to talk to me and could he give me a call sometime. There was no mention of wanting to talk about his dad. I have been trying to get him to stop contacting me since we broke up nearly 3 months ago. Everyone here has told me to tell him to stop contacting me--block his email, whatever I had to do in order to give myself time to heal. I believe his contacts have slowed down that process. I did email him back last week asking him to let me contact him when I was ready to talk. He replied back somewhat angrily and then mentioned he had wanted to talk about his dad. His dad has been ill since I've known him so I did not know he was this near death.

I do want to contact him to give my condolences but I feel I need to be careful not to give him false impressions. He has not contacted me about his dad's death. A friend of mine saw it in the paper today and that is how I found out.

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:40pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 11:49pm
I agree with Sandra. Sure, you need space to heal, but his dad died. That is a lot more painful than a break-up! You'll get over the break-up, but he probably will never completely get over the loss of his dad. He can probably use all the support he can get right now, regardless of the state of your relationship, or lack thereof. Think of if the situation was reversed....
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 12:03am

Sandra, I respectfully disagree. I totally understand where you're coming from and if they were at the poing of being friends I would totally agree that she should go. I went to my ex-husband's wife's memorial service because I was friends with both of them--BUT if she had died a few years earlier when he and I were not on as good terms, it would not have been appropriate. I think that hopeful's being at the service runs the risk of adding to her ex's pain rather than helping, and that's why I think a sympathy card would be the most compassionate and thoughtful response under the circumstances.

It's not her role at this point in their respective lives to be part of his support system. That's what happens when people break up. It's a terribly sad situation and unfortunate timing but that's not something hopeful can control.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:23am

A boyfriend of two years is not the same as a husband of ten, and a parent is so far removed from a new wife that your comparison is completely lost on me.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 10:51am

Ok--I'm just saying that *to me*, doing what's right, compassionate and decent here is NOT going. I think a reasonable person could look at the situation and feel that he might not want her there under the circumstances.

I don't think that's cold, I think that's the reality of the situation. Ignoring his father's death altogether would be cold but that's not what I'm suggesting.

In any event, I understand you feel passionately about this and that this is the "right" thing to do. I'm simply presenting another POV which I feel is the "right" thing to do. Hopeful will do what she feels is best for her and her ex but I don't think she should be made to feel guilty if going to the service doesn't feel right to her and I don't want her to feel "wrong" if that's what she chooses to do.

I'm sorry you felt the example I gave was inappropriate. I was just trying to show that I don't think that you never, ever support an ex when he's grieving.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 7:04pm
for my own opinion he need you right now...dont think something negative...

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