His mother called me at work
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| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 8:38am |
It's been almost 3 wks since we broke up. The break up was 100% my fault, and I continually hurt a wonderful person. I've been really pouring all of myself into working out my issues, but I don't feel that I will ever be able to get past the regret that I ruined what is probably the best thing I will ever have. After the first week, I sent him a long email apologizing and aknowledging the problems I have as well as outlinging the steps I'm taking to work through them. I said I hoped with time we could maybe try again. Then I left town with no phone, no internet and no way to be in touch. When I got back, he'd emailed me asking to meet. He said bottomline, he wants to be with me, but it would take time and there are no promises. He said he'd like to keep in touch on occasion. Then he started emailing and texting me several times a day, all the cute little "we're still together" things we always said to each other. And of course I replied in turn because it's how I feel and what I want. Every few messages though would mention how I hurt him and he doesn't know if he could ever forgiv me. I realized I can't be so close and not there all the way hearing from him that way, and I also can't heal with my mistakes being thrown in my face. I asked him to stop contacting me. He said he understood. But hasn't. It's all still the same, and he calls and tells me how miserable he is. He's taking a ski trip with a friend leaving this weekend, and realized yesterday morning he can't find his passport. He called me to see if it was mixed in with my things when he returned them (it isn't). I spent all day yesterday helping him figure out how to get an expediated passport within 2 days, and once it was taken care of, he called to thank me and tell me I've "given him a lot to think about on vacation". Then his mother called. While I was still in my office at work. She wanted to thank me for helping him, see how was doing, tell me she's sorry things didn't work out and make me promise not to tell him she called. All night he kept texting me about how happy he is to go on vacation and what a great mood he's in. Why can't these people leave me alone? I AM SORRY for everything I did. I fully realize I did this to us both, but I can't handle it being thrown in my face constantly. I have not slept passed 3am since we broke up almost 3wks ago. I can't eat, I've lost 12 lbs. My work is suffering, I shake all day. I don't know what to do with myself. He made me promise I wouldn't date anyone until he at least got back from his trip, and I feel like he just wants to know I'm waiting around for him until he's completely moved on and doesn't care what I do. Is that what I deserve for everything I did? My issues stem from 26 yrs of hating myself and feeling no self-worth, but how can I get passed that and fix it if I'm constantly reminded of everything I've done wrong? And I can't NOT talk to him, because I can't let go of the hope that we could work things out together. What do I do?
(sorry this is so long...)

Just let him go on vacation and do not contact him at all, while he is away.
All you can do is let time pass. Find things to do...go out to the mall...take in a show...talk to friends.
That's what I have been doing. She broke up with me three to four weeks ago and, last weekend, was her vacation out with her sisters to Florida. I didn't call her, text message her, or try to contact her at all. I feel like it was good to do no contact.
She just emailed me this morning to tell me she has my money. ( We built an addition to her house together, and I spent over 30K of my money on it ) She also said a few things but it seems like, in the email, she is hurt and lashing back at me a little. Anyway, I told her, I just want her to be happy, and if that means her being happy is without me around, then that's what it will be. I need to respect her wishes.
Keep your chin up and don't contact....find other things to do....I wake up around 2 am every morning, then 3 am, then 4 am. It gets better with time.
Rob
Hi gal_astoria,
I can understand your frustration, though I'm not sure they were trying to rub your face in anything. I think they appreciated all your help in finding his passport and wanted to express it.
Let him come to you.
I agree with cl-itwinflame and I do not believe they are trying to throw anything in your face, that is YOUR perception of it based on how crappy you feel about things right now.
The best advice I have for you and the hardest, is to tell you to let it go.
She called and made a comment.
....."What I feel like no one is addresses is how his mother went on about how hard this was for him and how he pushes himself so hard at work and to have to deal with this and she doesn't know what i did to him...am i supposed to rehash it with her?".....
I didn't see this description of her conversation with you in your earlier post.
Wow! First... I suggest you start eating anything!
26 yrs of having that reflection of yourself can definitely be exhausting. I know. However, you need to pull yourself together- for your own sake. If you really care about yourself as much as you would like for this guy to feel and show you I guarantee you wouldn't want him anymore.
You would realize how much better you are without him and healthier for sure! But- more importantly you will see his true intentions. That is most important. If this guy really cared for you and gave a damn about your well being would he allow yourself to become sick and unstable? NOT AT ALL. Because people in relationships are supposed to care about there partner's well being- they do not ignore them.
For all women out there dealing with guys that are making them feel less than their fabulous selves- make there heads turn by taking control of the reigns! There is nothing more sexier than a women who can look defeat in the eye and still return to fight a better fight and win at the end.
Hey Galastoria, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Okay, I'm not going to ask what you did but if you believe you caused that break up and have apologized for it, I don't see the reason for your ex to keep rubbing that in your face. You're obviously stressed. If you think he's worth it and want to get back with him, perhaps you guys and seek couple counseling. Don't think about him for a second. First think about what you want and how you feel. Do you want to get back with him? Do you think you guys can work through your issues in the relationship?
If you decided you don't want to get back with him or don't think you guys can work through your problems let him know and explain your decision. Then you can start the process of letting go and moving on, which will take awhile. If you do want to get back with him, let him know you want to get back with him. Think of ways of overcoming your issues, work with him on it. It's not easy fixing a relationship or mending feelings if there is no trust. Even if you can trust him and work on the relationship, he needs to work with you, he needs to learn to trust you and stop blaming you. Constantly blaming you and telling you it's your fault, only creates hurt feelings and doesn't solve anything.
Focus on the present and work on your current issues. You shouldn't bring past issues to hurt your partner. You should find an appropriate time, where both of you have at least 1/2 hour to an hour to spare. Then you both calmly explain how you feel, what upsets you and suggest what both of you can do to help the situation. Take turns talking and listen to the other person without interrupting. Avoid saying "You" when you start a sentence, and say "I" and don't put fault on the other person or bring past fights back up or say "You always..." For example instead of saying "You always make you feel like crap and you never listen to me" Say "I feel hurt and sad because you told me you don't think you can be with me any more and I want to know why but first I want to explain to you how I feel about this."
Be specific in how you feel and give reasons for it and try NOT to blame or use hurtful words to get a message across because a person will naturally get defensive and when a person is defensive, they're not going to listen ot you, they'll just want to fire back at you. It's normal for couples to fight, healthy relationships get into fights but you have to fight "fair". You should NEVER verbally/physically abusive your partner. You shouldn't bring up the past and have an agreement with your partner before you sit down and talk about an issue, so you can focus on what is at hand. If you both start bringing up past issues of things that happen 3 years ago, that's already been worked through, then the current issue will not get solved and it'll only cause hurt feelings. Allow your partner to express how they feel without interrupting them. Express how you feel when it's your turn.
When you figured out what YOU want and how you feel about the relationship. Ask him if it still want to give it a try, if so make an appointment with him to meet somewhere private where both of you can talk comfortable and freely for at least 30 minutes. You can even write down some of things you want to discuss. Before you guys start, it's a good idea to let him know it's ok to get angry but do not verbally attack the other person or use hurtful words to get across a message or to retaliate. You can say, "I'm really mad or I'm upset I need a minute" Let him know if either one of you get upset, tell the other person you're upset and you need a minute to leave the room and cool down. Return to the room when you have calmed down. If you are too upset to talk, then tell the person you're too upset to talk and reschedule another time to talk.
Make a deal with your partner before either one of you sit down to talk, to only focus on what is at hand and DO NOT bring up past issues. If your partner break the rules, calmly and gently remind him to focus on current issues, and promise to schedule a time to talk about the issues he brought up. You can say something like "I see you are still upset over that, we should set up another time to talk about that. I know you brought it up because it you feel it's related to what we're discussing but if both bring up stuff from the past, we're going to get sidetracked. We can get through this if we focus on one issue at a time."
Both of you have to TALK and open up and be honest with your feelings. You will get nowhere if the person closes themselves off and gives you the silent treatment. It doesn't solve anything and makes the other person feel rejected. Tell him, we both have to open up and talk, if we're going to get through this. Because we're human and can't read each other's minds. Let him know you would give him a chance to speak and not to rudely interrupt you when it's your turn to speak. If he does interrupt, don't flip out, calmly tell him "I understand what you're saying, but if we're both competing to speak at the same time then neither of us we'll be heard." I sometimes just pause to listen to my boyfriend if he interrupts me, and acknowledge what he said but let him know I don't want to get sidetracked and jump back to the topic I was on. He would apologize for interrupting me and I would too because we forget sometimes and want to respond to what the person is saying or want to retaliate because they said something that we found offensive.
So here it is.
1. Give yourself time to figure out what you want to do.
2. Contact the other person to let him know how you feel and schedule a time to talk.
3. Remember to pick a place that's private, you're both comfortable with, and make sure you both have at least 30 mins to a hour free time, so the discussion won't feel rushed.
4. Let the other person know the "rules" before you even sit down to talk -
Focus on current issues at hand and don't bring up the past.
Never get physically/verbally abusive when you're offended, it's ok to get upset but don't raise your voice and shout back at the other person.
Let the other person know that you're upset and need a minute to leave the room to cool off, reschedule to talk if you can't seem to calm yourself down.
Remember to REMAIN CALM when speaking. Take turns speaking and don't interrupt the other person.
I hope this helps. I wish you the best Gal astoria. *hugs*