His Mum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
His Mum
4
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 8:15am

I ran into the mum of my ex in the grocery store yesterday. It is a small community, and she and I have known each other for a long time as very friendly acquaintances...long before I knew him. She had called me a couple weeks ago to check on something between us, and at that time I told her I needed some space and distance because this whole thing was so hard for me. She told me that she and my ex were separate people, but she would respect my wishes and when I was ready, she still cared about me etc.

So...I ran into her yesterday, a couple weeks since our talk. She said hello, and asked me how I was, and said it was good to see me. I know I answered her questions politely, but I was not open at all to her, and I don't think I even asked how she was. I know I was very cold. But I was trying so hard not to fall apart in the middle of the store, on the edge of panic, which is why I don't even remember the exchange properly. I feel bad for being so cold...but it was all I could do not to rush in for one of her wonderful hugs and feel once again like I belonged with them (which I don't anymore).

I did the best I could, but I still feel bad and mean. What do you think? Was what I did terrible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: claudia_l78
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 1:08pm

Hi Claudia,


You aren't terrible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
In reply to: claudia_l78
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 2:34pm

Thanks, Carrie!

I hope I can separate the two...I think I can. Right now, though, space is what I need. I really feel like I have to know in my heart and accept that I am not longer a part of their family before I can contemplate a relationship with any of them again. That's not now, because I still crave. I m afraid of part of me feeling or acting on a fantasy -- that I am still part of their family. Seeing the sisters and kids this weekend was tough, man. I got to hug every one of the angels, and then I had to go have a good cry! Also, I hurt so much when I hear people talk about him, and I am afraid she will mention him or something he is doing. I don't want to hear it right now. So...I think space from all of them is right for me right now. But...we share a tight community, and so I run into them (and, someday I will run into him...I dread it) and...I felt like such a jerk for not being my warm and open self.

I will definately work toward facing the second fear after I've truly accepted my status with their family. I do think I am close.

Thanks for telling me this is normal in grief. I hope she knows this is about my grief and not about her. Ironically, it's actually my great love for them all that is making this so hard to accept.

Thank you again. This is so hard. I could say that over and over and over.

Claudia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: claudia_l78
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 2:50pm

When my son's father and I were divorcing it was really hard to let go of my sister-in-law.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
In reply to: claudia_l78
Thu, 10-11-2007 - 5:54pm

The kids I'm talking about are his nieces and nephews. They are a very close, local family. We were only together 10 months, but we are part of the same community, and for me community is so important. Eventually, I'll get used to thinking of them in the context of the community. All is not lost. Space is right for right now.

Thanks for your reply. It's good to hear you've been able to keep ties.