Hitting the "Second Guessing" stage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Hitting the "Second Guessing" stage
1
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:39pm

It's going on 3 weeks since I basically ended my "friendship" with my friend who actually called himself my boyfriend but didn't act like one.
I've started to ask myself if I over reacted by telling him how much his behavior and lack of attention towards me hurt my feelings. I'm starting to wonder if I wasn't a little too harsh in what I said. I'm second guessing myself now.
He was a nice man, he was smart and funny most of the time. He didn't say mean things to me. When we did talk on the phone he always seemed happy to do so, not like he felt obligated. I really liked talking with him. I liked being around him too. It was an instant attraction from the day I meet him.
I think about doing something to contact him or come in contact with him. But I know that's what high schoolers do, not grown women. I think about asking my girlfriend to ask him what's going on, but again, it's not something I would feel comfortable about doing. I know I should just accept that he wasn't into me, not the way I had hopped or thought he would be. I know I should accept that if he was into me, he would have found a way to be with me, not matter what (realistically speaking). I know that I'm probably better off now knowing he didn't want me, instead of always wondering or miss leading myself that he was. I can stop pretending.
I always thought he was being sincere when he told me he liked me, that he wanted to be with me, that I was fun and easy to talk to, that he trusted me. I thought he really meant it when he told me how much he really enjoyed being with me. Little did I know he was saying it as a way to let me go without hurting me, or so he thought.
I guess deep down inside I knew he would hurt me, that he would let me down. I have started to wonder if I convinced myself of this because of my past relationships or if it was really just gut instinct. Did I keep him at arms length because I was afraid? Or deep down know that this was coming?
His past is more important, and more meaningful to him. He's past is what he wants to have now. His past is what I finally realized would never let him be with me because he can't let it go.
I told him that I hoped he would find what he was looking for, that I was sorry I wasn't it. I told him that I knew this is what he would do to me. I told him I couldn't be what he couldn't get from his past, anymore. I told him I didn't understand why he would treat me this way. After all we had talked and shared with each other.
I never heard from him. He never replied. I take it that I meant little to him, or my words have angered him and pushed him far away. I don't think I'll even know.

I hope I did the right thing. I hope it was what I had to do. I hope I didn't blow it and have now lost a man who could have turned out to be the best thing in my life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:40am

rainy64grl...

Pianoguy read your post twice...and came up with the same question:

"Why do women behave in a certain manner...like dumping a long-time boyfriend or husband because there's no longer a spark or chemistry...and that start to have 2nd thoughts?

Is this because you're lonely? Because you assumed there would be other men waiting in the wings to take his place? Or that you just wanted a little 'personal time' to yourself?

If you make the choice to end a relationship because you aren't satisfied...or based on the lack of attention you're receiving...why try to analyze your behavior?

You can always make the attempt to UNDO WHAT YOU DID after a few weeks or a few months.

I'm often asked how can a man just "walk away from a relationship" while a woman can't? One of the reasons is clearly outlined in your post. You either get 2nd thoughts or start to believe that the flaws were caused JUST BY YOU...and not THE TWO OF YOU!

Stop analyzing (or 2nd guessing what you did wrong)! Instead...give yourself "time to heal!"

Pianoguy