Hmm...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:52am |
It wasn't even that I was feeling sad, or lonely...I had just gotten back from a friend's and was getting ready to go to bed. I chatted online for a bit, then decided to see if my ex was on. I checked his screenname (he's been off my buddy list for months, but of course I still knew it) and it said he was online, and not away. Also, let's keep in mind that I didn't know if he was 1) around (he leaves his computer signed on all the time) or 2) alone (maybe his girlfriend was there).
I've been debating for awhile now over whether or not NC was the right thing to do. I know I've tried to contact him a lot in the past 4 months since the breakup and he's basically just ignored me...but during the last week or so of me trying to get ahold of him, he seemed a lot more receptive and usually responded, sometimes even contacted me on his own. The night I started writing on this discussion board was a night that he didn't respond...that's when I decided to start NC. But just a couple of days later, he IM'ed me and then a few days after that, sent me a text message. Of course I didn't answer (for the first time ever).
It had been nearly a month since I've tried to contact him...and almost 3 weeks for him. I realize in my head (and am starting to with my heart) that he is not the person I thought he was. That he's a jerk and has treated me horribly...that he cheated, lied, and manipulated me. That although I lied to him, I did what I could to show that I was sorry...and that I didn't need to "redeem myself" to him like he told me. But as I've said in my other posts, I didn't want to be THAT person...that girl who would wonder for the rest of her life whether or not ignoring her ex was the right thing in the end. I actually felt bad for not responding although he had done the same thing to me many times. Call me a sucker, call me stupid, whatever...I honestly believe it was the right thing to do. It wasn't me just having a weak moment and giving in...it was me actually having something to say this time.
So I IM'ed him--at first I just said "hey, you around?" to which he didn't respond. Now at this point, many of you may have felt disappointed or foolish and just stopped. But like I said, he often leaves his computer and his AIM screenname signed on even when he isn't there. After a few minutes of waiting, I decided to get some sleep. I then left him one last message that said: "well...if you're ever up for it, I'd like to talk to you sometime. if not, I understand--but take care of yourself either way. I never responded to your last couple of IM's or txts, but I needed some time to think. btw I know I'm late, but happy birthday kid. hope everything's going well in your life" and headed to bed.
I am being completely honest when I say that I am NOT expecting us to become friends. I've accepted that it's impossible for us right now, and maybe forever. I've also realized that the person he's become since the breakup isn't the type of friend I want. And I'm certainly NOT expecting us to get back together...he's moved onto a new girl, and quite frankly, he isn't the type of guy I want to date. He was a "bad boy" and it was exciting at first, even flattering that he seemed to want me. And he was amazingly charming and attractive, fun, and we seemed to have this great connection that enabled us to talk about anything&everything. But I've grown to realize that I want and deserve to have a nice guy...one I can trust...basically what I'm saying is that my ex is the type of guy I no longer look for.
Last night when I was going to bed, I realized something was different--usually when I attempt to contact him, I'm left feeling upset because he didn't answer the way I wanted, or not at all...and I go through this waiting period, hoping he'll respond. But last night I went to bed without a problem...I didn't lay there and think about him, or hope that he wasn't just ignoring me. I didn't regret contacting him like I normally do.
I woke up this morning and checked my computer (I also leave my screenname signed on, as most college kids do nowadays)...I had put up an away message that just said 'sleep.' And to my surprise (because I can honestly say I wasn't really expecting to hear back from him, at least not right away), he had left an IM for me. All it said was "I will be around in a little bit." Hmm...
Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But I am wondering now what he was thinking/what he meant by sending that message. I checked the time he sent the message and it had been sent about 15 minutes after I went to bed. He might have assumed that I was still awake and around my computer...but I had shut the monitor off.
What did his message mean? He responded, so that's a good thing I guess. Did it mean he wanted to talk to me as well? He obviously wasn't too eager--I'm sure he still has my number and could have called if he really wanted. But then again, maybe he figured I really was asleep by then...
Now the lines of communication have been reopened, and it is my fault. I realize I've lost the "power." But I don't feel badly about it. I'm just wondering what my next move should be--do I wait for him to get ahold of me, or is it my turn again? In a way I'm scared because now I could be back into that horrible cycle--contacting him, waiting for him to contact me, etc. But maybe this time it is different--he did respond right away, which is unusual for him. Maybe he'd like to talk one last time as well.
The again, he doesn't know that I don't want to be friends with him anymore. Well, I'm sure that my (almost) month of NC confused him...but he probably thinks that since I finally contacted him, that means I want to try and be friends again. But it's not going to be like last time--I'm not going to act all desperate and try to convince him that we would be good as friends. Because I don't feel that way anymore. I'm still sad that we can't be...because I do miss him, and I still remember how things used to be (even before we started dating). But I know it isn't possible, at least for me...and especially not right now.
Even if he said he wants to be friends and really means it, really makes the effort (which I can guarantee he wouldn't), I don't think I could do it. But I just want to talk to him one more time, let him know why I ignored him and that although I do care about him (probably always will), I can't be his friend and I'm not going to try anymore. What do you guys think I should do next? Contact him? Is it up to me again? Or is it his turn now that I let him know I'd like to talk sometime? Please let me know...

I think you should not contact him, but wait what he has to say to you. You are again back to square one because now you are talking to him and are reading too much into everything that is going on. Now you wonder why he responded so fast,and what does he have to say and what should you say etc. This is all BS!
Right now maybe his life is not going very well, maybe his girlfried dumped him, he lost his job, or he was bored, so he figured he will reply back and I bet he loves the attention you are giving him. Don't hurt yourself, by wondering about him. If he was interested in talking, he would have contacted you. Since you contacted him, he probably thinks, well, I will see what she is up to, find out if her life sucks just as much as mine does at the moment, maybe she can make me feel better. After all, she cared about me more than I cared about her, because I left her.
He made his decisions and he is where he is because of them. If his world is falling apart or he is lonely, that's his problem. Where was he when you were hurt and crying after he left you? He does not deserve the attention from you, and you deserve it from a guy who will not make you wonder why he calls, or why he responds right away to your messages = a guy about whose intentions you will be sure and who will really care about you.
Be careful with this guy.
Maybe I should clear up some things though. First of all, I am not wondering what he has to say. I am not even wondering why he replied so quickly. He could have been bored/drunk/lonely, but that doesn't matter. What matters is he did reply...I'm just wondering if I should take the initiative to talk to him now.
He has tried to contact me twice since I started the NC thing--obviously, I ignored him both times. Now, he has ignored me in the past...but the last time we had talked/communicated in some way, he seemed much more friendly and receptive towards me. The night I decided to start NC was a night he did not respond for whatever reason. But like I said in my original post, he did IM and text me a few days later. So that leaves me wondering if he was maybe trying to get ahold of and talk to me. I was just feeling hurt and angry over being ignored and I was still really sad about the whole situation.
I've been feeling a lot better lately. It isn't that I've stopped caring about him...it isn't that I don't miss him being in my life. But I've realized that my life is still wonderful, with or without him. I was fine without him before we met...and I'll be fine without him once again. I've been slowly moving on and taking good care of myself...and it feels great. The NC thing has helped tremendously...it really gave me time to reflect, and get over a lot of my anger...it gave me a chance to wallow in self-pity and to let me start looking at him from a more objective point of view. For the first time, I could clearly see his flaws and why we didn't work out, why he isn't the right guy for me. I was able to soak in all of the jealous feelings I was having about him & his new girlfriend...and I've come to realize that it isn't so much that I still miss & want to be with him--I just miss the good times, the good feelings. I miss having a boyfriend...I was jealous he had moved on and found happiness in a new relationship and I was still struggling with getting over ours.
I AM the one who said I would like to talk sometime. He did respond to my message last night, but I wasn't around anymore...so now I'm thinking it's probably up to me again to contact him to talk. I'm not expecting anything more out of this than a simple conversation. I don't think we will become friends, nor am I sure I want that anymore. I know we won't ever get back together. I just want to discuss the situation--what happened and why. I want him to know that while I don't need him anymore, I don't regret knowing him. I want him to know that he was once very special to me and that I'll never forget him...but I'm still moving on with my life. I want things to finally end...on a more positive note. I don't want to look back and think of our relationship as a negative part of my life. I don't want him to remember me as some desperate, pathetic girl. I just need closure...I don't want to wonder 20 years from now if just abruptly stopping all contact with him was the best choice.
I'm going to be careful, but I'm not going to be afraid. I'm not going to worry. I still don't regret contacting him (and that's a first for me!). I don't feel weak, or like I can be easily manipulated by him anymore. I don't know if it's that I'm not in love with him like I used to be, or that I've grown smarter or if I'm just naive. But I feel good.