hmmm
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:20am |
Out of the blue he called me and we saw eachother. He has been feeling guilty and sorry about me. Sorry I'm in therapy and guilty about how bad things were when it all ended this last time. He still loves me - he is still with this "other" girl.
We hugged and this time, he tried to kiss me. I kissed him back.
He left and wants us to be civil and friendly if we see eachother out and about. I still am in love with him and although I slept the most peacefully I have ever slept in such a long time, I feel a little anxious today. Boy am I glad I started seeing a therapist because this could be too confusing to handle alone - even though I WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY participated.
We promised eachother to not tell anyone about it.
It all leaves me with the feeling of how "real" our feelings are for eachother. But real doesn't mean right, right? He is in a totally different place than I. I know that he can't make me happy now and I miss him very much. But I am making progress with my therapist.
I am glad he called and came over to me. I know, for real, he has and does care about me and that I am not, nor was I crazy.
He and I certainly have a history.
-isa

Oh my..hard isn't it..the kiss was your drug helping you feel calm and to allow a nice night sleep.
He should not feel bad you are in therapy. This is very good. You are taking care of you.
You need to tell your therapist about the kiss. Keeping that private is wrong. He is cheating now and expecting you to be a part of his new lie. That cannot feel too good.
If you want my two cents, get rid of this "friend". I feel it will create MORE hurt and well, who needs this after one year?
Of course I will talk about it with my therapist.
It is a little hard - it all felt very natural to me.
Hi isa, you've come along way haven't you! I'm glad you are moving in a forward direction and continuing the therapy. Yes you do have history, but try to recognize it for what it is...."history is the past" Don't let this guilt trip ridden episode be a spark of hope to hold on to. Enjoy that he contacted you this last time, enjoy that last kiss, and remember the good times from an old past relationship but don't hold onto it as if you will reconcile. Don't even lie to yourself and keep the candle lit way in the back of your mind that it will happen. Thats what friendly contact will do and it spreads like wildfire.
You are doing so good, try to keep moving on, and I would encourage no more rendevous with ex. Now that you are stronger, don't go back, you need to find Mr right, not mr. still testing waters AND has another girlfriend.
keep your chin up!
Gracie
I told my friend last night about my encounter . She saw I was a little tense and I told her why.
She was so angry with me and I felt berated by her comments because all she did was blame me and tell me that he never ever loved me and was using me, etc. I tried to explain what that night was about but she wasn't having it and the energy was exhausting on my part. It isn't that I dont want to hear the truth about he and I - I know what that is. But lately I have been doing everything in my power to get over him and help myself grow forward. I've been exercising and seeing a therapist, etc.
I certainly have bad days BUT I am not calling him or e-mailing him or texting him or writing him .... I have not tried any contact with him. This time HE CALLED ME and showed remorse for how he had treated me in the past. Part of me needed that.
I dont believe at all that he never loved me and I do not and will not believe he came over to fool around with me. The only people who truly know what happened was he and I!
However, I really regret telling her because she made me feel more insecure. I actually have been alright and feel strong and have absolutely no urge to contact him. I actually felt like that night was a sort of resolve for me.
Now I am worried she looks down on me. My ex is a mess and an immature guy, but he does have a heart and although his actions in the past have been cruel and insensitive it does not mean that his feelings for me were not genuine.
He and I are over and I look forward to a healthy and functional relationship with the guy that is a right guy, not my ex who is truly unable to provide me with the stable and loving relationship I'd like to be a partcipant in.
I just really regret telling my friend and wish I had waited to work it out tonight with my therapist. Any thoughts???
I called him last night because ever since my talk with my friend and therapy session this week, I was left with the horrible question of "what motivated him" to contact me and need to see me that night. I really had a great feeling after that night and felt resolution. But my friend really planted quite a seed.
I called last night and we talked for about 20 minutes or so. He said that he really needed to see me, he had felt bad about things and wanted to see if we could be friendly. Living down the street from one another can be very stressful because there is always the chance we will run into the other at any time.
I asked him if what we had was really "real" and he said it was. I felt my feelings and impression of the other night were confirmed.
We talked about his girlfriend a little and his friends. I should really be happy that we are civil and I am, but I guess now I'm a little nostalgic and have this new seed planted that he thinks about me, is still attracted to me, and may be testing his waters and feeling a little regret.
My first action is NO MORE CALLING. I'll leave our interaction to coincidence meetings on the street or in the store.
They really do always come back in some shape or form, dont they?