Holding Out Hope
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| Mon, 03-03-2008 - 11:52am |
I never saw it coming. I guess you never do. Neither of us cheated, there were no angry spats or abusive words, nothing out-of-the-ordinary happened. Life just got in the way. We got into routine, and suddenly it wasn't the "in love" feeling that we'd had at the beginning. I wanted to work it out and remain committed even if it wasn't infatuation anymore; he, it seems, was bored and felt stifled and wanted out. Four weeks ago today. Considering that it blindsided me, I reacted pretty well--no begging no pleading, a few tears, and told him I respected his decision and hung up. The breakup came after five years of dating, four of which were long distance--and we were due to finish that period and move in together in June.
Here's the thing: I still think we're right for each other. Yeah, I know what it looks like: DENIAL! But we have the same dreams, goals, values--and I truly believe we could have been happy if we tried to work it out. It would have been hard, to get back to that "spark," but we could have done it.
So now, here I am. He insists that it's over (we've been NC since the breakup), and I'm joining clubs, making new friends, getting sexy new haircuts--all these things in anticipation that we could possibly get back together.
Is it stupid to hold out hope like this? Would I be better off trying to convince myself that it really is over and there's nothing I can do? Thinking that we're going to fix things keeps the pain at bay and keeps me holding to NC, even when it's difficult. I just don't know if I should resign myself to this or fight for us--even if he isn't going to.
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Edited 3/13/2008 9:24 am ET by uncommononsense

I don't think it's useful to use judgmental words like "stupid".
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I would say yes. He hasn't given you any reason to keep hoping. Even if YOU feel you are right for each other, you can't make him feel that way.
I think that some people have a low tolerance for routine, while others (myself included, and probably you) find great pleasure in the "settling" phase, not just the infatuation phase, so can more easily accept and embrace the transition. It also depends on where you are in your life: if you're eager to "nest" and start a family, you probably won't feel as restless about a lack of excitement as someone who has no interest in the house/kids gig. Bottom line, the routine was not at all stifling to you, but it was stifling to him. Nobody's fault, just different temperaments and/or life stages. And yes, it sucks big-time for the more invested partner.
From what you've written, it sounds like you'd do best to assume the relationship is over and move on.
Freelance
Sheri & Freelancemomma--you've both been extremely helpful. It's really wonderful to post a topic on a board and receive such swift, caring and honest answers from people that you don't even know. If I'm going to make it through this process, it is because of people like you. I'm grateful to you both already!
First, Sheri, you're absolutely right about using judgmental words to describe things. I definitely need to stop beating myself up about a lot of things related to the relationship (lots of "what if I had..." thoughts) and placing blame on myself for being "stupid" in the aftermath isn't going to help me move forward. Also, that visualization process is definitely something I'm going to try. I meditate regularly, so it seems like something that might also help me deal with my feelings of misplaced hope a little better.
Freelancemomma, you words were so true, particularly about misaligned life stages. As I mentioned earlier, I'm working through trying to avoid blaming myself or him for the death of the relationship, and viewing it as simply differences in where we are in life really is helpful. It removes the idea that somehow someone was at fault for causing this, which I know isn't true. It's just easier sometimes to ascribe that to someone to make oneself feel better.
Again though, thank you both for your responses--I am very grateful and appreciative of them.
uncommononsense
I can't go back to yesterday--because I was a different person then. --L. Carroll
Edited 3/13/2008 9:24 am ET by uncommononsense