Holiday Blues...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Holiday Blues...
6
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 11:29pm

Hi All,

Just a note to say that in the last 6 weeks I've made some progress in getting over my ex gf. I've taken concrete steps to let go including 1) telling people it's over 2) avoiding her and places she might be as best I can 2) not taking the bait in her last email or resisting the temptation to call. 4) deleting her number 5) going out, doing things, meeting some new people for friendships, working, eating right, staying healthy and trying to keep my same patterns and friends.

But I do see her at the gym even though I try to avoid her and she avoids me. But sometimes she decides to use a machine near me. Weird.

Also, I can't help but feel jealous of this "serious relationship" she told me about 6 weeks ago and has since pretended isn't such a big deal.

Every "reunion fantasy" I still have ends with the words...."But you have a serious relationship."

I'm accepting the relationship as it was, not what I wanted it to be. I read this board and share my insights and that helps. I find myself feeling bad and stop and wait until those feelings pass--much like indigestion. I realize that these feelings are just feelings and not some supernatural "hunch" urging me to call.

But despite this acceptance of reality, I"m still hurting. It was 18 months we were together and 2 years we were friends. Our club was a focal point of our relationship. I go as often as I can and she hasn't been there. I enjoy it and want to keep going because it is something that regardless of her is a part of my life. I go less, or I go on days when I think she wouldn't go.

But the pain sort of sits there, like a dull ache. I think about the reasons why I feel like this. That helps. I write in my journal, that helps.

But i question am I grieving a fantasy? We never "broke up" she sort of slowly distanced herself and equivocated break up. I was going to break up but didn't. But I felt like I was manipulated into a break up that I didn't really want.

So confusing sometimes, but also the more NO CONTACT I pass, the more clarity I get.

I wish there was some easy way to get thru all this but there isn't. With the long weekend, I have plans but something gnaws away at me.

It's a lingering "hope" that is completely irrational. I can't even see what a "reunion" would look like. It wouldn't happen. She would make some overture and I would reject it. I can't think of anything that would make me change my mind about this, but at the same time I want it all back...I want all the good feelings we shared, I want the magical beginning when it all seemed so easy and perfect. I miss my friend, I miss laughing and joking. I miss our nicknames, our jokes. There is a big hole in my life and I cannot believe she could move on so quickly into something "serious".

Anyway, that's my day so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:10pm

I'm sorry you feel this way, but it's normal to grieve the loss of a loved one. You say that you've accepted that it's over, but deep inside you have "hope" as you state it. That hope leads to fantasy reunions and the like. You want it all back, the good moments, the jokes, the happiners, etc. You've told people that it's over, but haven't accepted it yourself. This is a rare case, because it's usually women who mention that they're feeling sad and hurt due to their EXs moving so fast from the break-up.

It'll take time to completely heal from this heart-renching break-up, which you didn't realize it was a break up, but a slowly distancing of your then GF. Perhaps, you're looking for closure and can't find it. It's possible that she didn't want to hurt you, in her mind, and behaved distant hoping you'd get the drift. That's ratber rude because one expects honesty.

Obtain closure on this yourself for your own weel-being. Calling her to see how she is OR to ask for a "why" won't give you that closure. She's in a new relationship. She's moved on. Keep the good memories of what it was, BUT always remember the distance she put between you two instead of coming forward to talk to you if there were any difficulties in the relationship. Her standards in life say that she can do this and yours say you can't. In the long run, in 5 years, or if you were to marry she'd have done the same. Dating is the stage to get to know each other and that's what you did. You got to know the real woman you were dating. You go to know how she'd behave and conduct herself in a difficult situation.

I wonder why you say that you were going to break up but didn't, what happened there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 4:41pm

Walawala

I totally feel your pain. It has been three months for me...and i have been rebuilding my life, got a new job, making new friends..actually being social with people..not just focusing on my relationship(obviously because it is over)...I am so proud of myself in so many ways..I feel like i am just about over him...but the pain comes back..the fantasy reunions(which wont ever happen because he lives in a different state) the things i would say in the reunion, what i would look like..what he would look like..it pretty sad...I thought i would not have those thoughts anymore..but i do..then i make myself stop, cause it just enables me to stay in the same place..yuck..i want to stop thinking"i just want him to call or email..somehting...to show he cared!!! i know u r the one that recommended hes scared shes scared...i read it ...it helped so much..to understand these types of people...yours has gone back and forth...mine did the hudini act and just completely fell off the face of the earth!!! it is hard either way..cause they left us ..and we r hurting...I have been n/c since he dumped me....

One thing that helps me move forward is making myself think...it was not meant to be...a relationship should not be this difficult...if they truly cared they would be here..they would not have left.....things happen for a reason

Please beleive this, she is not going to change..unless she went to some serious therapy...just remember that..even if you all got back together again...she would run.

I always replay these silly fantasies in my head..of me and my exs reunion..of how he misses me so much..and want to try....but then i realize it would happen all over again..he would get scared again and run...then i would have to go back to the days when i bacically lived in a robe and ponytail..watching breakup movies..crying everyday for two months!!! I am finally past that stage..and am to the point..where...if someone does not know what they want .i am not going to be here when u figure it out...(trust me, my friends and family are happy to see me smiling again, especially my poor mom, who heard the story everyday for two months!!!)

I know it is hard, expecially around holidays...but why should we even want to be with someone who totally broke our hearts....we can find someone new to break our hearts!! just kidding........just know we are here..you give great advice on all your replies...just know you can do it, but i know...the dulling pain is still there for me to...

Bella

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 8:19pm

How about trying this: for the next 3 months, don't go to your club, and change gyms (or *at least* go at a different time of day than the time she goes). I honestly think that going to the same places she goes, even she's not there, is keeping you stuck to a certain extent--especially the club, since it was such a focal point of your relationship.

I'm sure your friends will accommodate you by spending time at places other than the club, especially if you explain the reason for it.

At the end of 3 months, you can evaluate where you are and possibly start going back to those places. But I think having a CLEAN break would really benefit you. Otherwise, you're just re-opening the wound, over and over and over again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:51pm

Hi Sheri,

Thanks. I'm going to do exactly that. In the longer term, the reality is that it's something that I'm going to have to deal with so a 3 month sabbatical is a cleansing period.

Happy Easter Sheri and thanks again for your input and insights. I have benefited greatly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:31pm
I dont know how old you are or how many break-ups you ve been through but I can almost guarantee you will experience the good moments and feeling and call her Nicknames only this time it will be another girl!
Live your life as if you are getting ready to meet someone fabelous who will appreciate you as much as you do... Dont let this pain grow inside you. Six weeks is enough grieving. Now tell yourself your main goal in life is to be happy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 10:43pm

Thanks Juliara

I appreciate the reply. These moods and thoughts drift into my head sometimes and I need to shake them away like bats with a broom. I hope that readers who are posting can see that it takes time to reflect on your own role in a relationship in order to accept its ending. It's hard, but it's necessary. Disconnection and NO CONTACT are vital. It's important to look to find supportive ways to express your hurt. The insights and the reality checks I've received here on this board have helped tremendously. It's important to get honest feedback and insights from people with a variety of experiences. I hope you are doing well and finding your own inner healing. Happy Easter!