Holy sh** that hurts. what is wrong w me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Holy sh** that hurts. what is wrong w me
12
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:57pm
Quick background.. I'm 38, my H of 13 years broke up with me 2.5 years ago, huge shock, had two failed relationships after that, the last one lasted 10 months and the guy had red flags so I got so anxious I had to break up. Then while I was still struggling a bit with anxiety, I met this wonderful man.. but here's the thing.. While I had/have feelings for him, doubts kept creeping up on me.. I broke up with him again tonight.. for the third time in 5 months. And I feel awful, but I tried sooo hard, I so wanted for this relationship to work, but I still kept feeling anxious and scared and uncertain, not sure if I was in love or not, etc. It was a constant struggle. the last time I had broken up with him, about a month ago, I told myself I would remain by myself for a few months to try and get better myself, but he showed up at my door 2 weeks ago with flowers and convinced me to try again. But here I am again. Why do I have such a hard time? I can't put the finger on what went wrong, I feel so sad and so bad right now, and the weirdest thing is that I already miss him. I feel the urge to call him just to make sure he's ok and to tell him I feel awful.. Help anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:01pm

Just a guess here, but I imagine that the shock of your H leaving you 2.5 yrs ago has shaken the belief in yourself. Now you question every decision. You second guess yourself. You wonder 'what if' this one does what my husband does? My guess is, also on some level you don't feel you *deserve* the great guy or a good relationship.

Have you considered some short-term counseling to help you work through the emotions? It can really help.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:08pm

I don't know you, but my guess would be that you didn't really take time for yourself after your marriage ended. A 13 year marriage (+ the time you were dating your ex-husband) is a long time to be with anyone. You probably needed quality alone time to sort through all the emotions that comes with something like that. It sounds like you jumped right into two other serious relationships after your marriage ended so you didn't have a chance to get to know yourself again. I understand the temptation to just jump into other relationships right away so that you don't feel the pain as much. But I don't think anyone gets to take shortcuts through serious emotional healing.

There is a book I've seen others here recommend to others and I just got it from Amazon a few days ago. I haven't gotten too deeply into it, but it sounds like something that might be helpful to you: "He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships". Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:42pm

itwinflame: Yes I have been in for counseling on and off frequently since the separation, does not seem to be doing wonders in terms of my relationships. I feel so awful right now and so sad, and I already miss him. Perhaps like you say, I can't seem to accept a great relationship, but if that is the case it is not conscious because I really really wanted things to work out with him, I have struggled with my anxiety and fears and uncertainties for 5 months that's how bad I wanted to 'want' to be with him. I can't seem to figure out why the hell I couldn't just feel comfortable and fall in love with him and go with the flow

yuffie: I spent about 10 months after my separation and only started dating when I felt ready to. I really did think I was ready, maybe I wasn't, but I'm over my ex husband and we are even very civil to each other. I have no leftover feelings for him. Maybe just nostalgia over what we had and I miss the stability of our now defunct family. That's why when I met John (whom I just broke up with), I was so excited that he had all I was looking for in a man. I just don't understand why the heck I was struggling so much. He told me when he left that he would not try to get back together with me again as he did the last time, but that if down the road I could figure out what I wanted and realized I really wanted to be with him, no ifs and buts, that we could pickup from there.

I made a huge booboo, I just called his house, his mother was there, she didn't know of course we had broken up as he hadn't made it home yet, I wanted to make sure he got home ok and was all right, not sure his mother must have been impressed with me, I mean 3 times in 5 months, I feel like such a bit*h and such a horrible person for putting such a wonderful man who was deeply in love with me, through such a hard time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:52pm

I think you can be over an ex (to the extent that you don't have any romantic feelings for him any longer) and still have some baggage left over from a broken relationship. I'm not sure why you can't fully give yourself to John. It sounds like you really want to. So I know the desire is there, but for some reason, you seem to be filled with a lot of anxiety, fears, etc. that keep holding you back. You mentioned counseling... I think it would be a good idea to explore these feelings and how it's holding you back from allowing John to fully come into your heart/life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:30pm

Thanks

Exploring feelings holding me back from giving myself to John.. believe you me that has been the focus of my counseling sessions over the last few months.. to no avail. I even tried hypnotherapy to try to dig at the subconscious level. I had three sessions so far, two remaining (also working on my anxiety in general) but nothing seems to help, I can't even tell if I love him or not, it's like sometimes I think I do, others I don't. I am so mixed up it's not even funny. Holding on to him with one hand and pushing him away with the other, it's not a fun place to be in. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I tried everything but I always end up back in square one. Some days seemed to get better, evenings and nights were mostly better too, but then I would just come crashing down again. This week we were even discussing selling my house and moving in together, and it was scaring me a little but was also a bit exciting, until the doubts and anxiety and uncertainty started creeping back up again. I am so screwed up wow I've never been this mixed up in my whole life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:56am
Hmm... I think a normal amount of anxiety is common in a budding relationship. But it does seem like you have other issues going on to make committing to this guy a difficult task. It's possible that you really have some sort of problem with intimacy and allowing yourself to be vulnerable again to someone. Or (and maybe you should consider this) you're just not that into him. I say this because I've been in a few situations where I try to force myself to be "in love" with someone. Usually a guy who I know will treat me well and who I have a great emotional/mental connection with. But I was never really attracted to these guys. In the end, I was never able to fully give myself to these men, no matter how much I mentally wanted it to happen. Anyway, just something to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 2:50am
a divorce from 2.5 yrs ago or even 50 yrs ago unaddressed may leave a lot of irrational and subconcious beliefs that linger into anything you do today. that uncertainity of whatever it may be has to be found and can soometimes be best dealt with a close friend or family memeber able to listen well enough and ask provoking questions to help provide yourself empowering insight / -a good book or my favorite the pros-some of these folk are really good at what they do. trusting, it makes sense, will defintely be an issue and it could be for other reasons other than the what is seemingly the obvious. therapy is fun to me sometimes. It's like having a life guide/assistant, mentor, pal. If you take small steps you 'll get there. let me know If I heard you right
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 8:48am

Maybe I'm not into him, but I do find him very attractive so it was not just the fact that he treated me like a queen, maybe there is something at the subconscious level, or perhaps I just need time, I don't know. Had a nightmare last night, dreamed that he went out after he left here (which I think he may have) and met someone else, and I was freaking out.

I feel like such a b***h for leaving him just before new year's eve and for doing this 3 times to him. It hurts so bad, and I don't know how to make the pain go away. m0ny, I have tried therapy but so far not much progress I guess. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wanted to be with him so much, so I don't understand why my mind wouldn't let me, why those uncertainties and doubts and fears kept creeping up. Fear of not being able to love him as much as he loved me. Weird huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:29am

Ok, here's my little 2 cents on the matter:


You haven't given yourself any kind of time at all to get over your failed marriage and divorce.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:44am

Thanks Sandra

Your post made sense. Maybe that's all it is, that I so want to be in a relationship, I really wanted to make it work with him, that I kept pushing back the obvious and finally it got the best of me and I had to let him go a third time. If that is the right thing to do, then why did I find it so hard to let him go last night? I've grown attached to him. When I think of him, I know I have feelings for him. I cried like there was no tomorrow, I had nightmares about it, if I'm not ready for him and when I'm with him I keep going back and forth, then why does it hurt so much when I think about him? Like I said before, it's like I want to hold on to him with one hand and push him away with the other. I'm so lost. Will I be able to forget about him.. will I be strong enough not to succumb again? I'm really hurt and upset..

Thanks for listening and taking the time to write a long response.

Rachel

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