Holy sh** that hurts. what is wrong w me
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Holy sh** that hurts. what is wrong w me
| Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:57pm |
Quick background.. I'm 38, my H of 13 years broke up with me 2.5 years ago, huge shock, had two failed relationships after that, the last one lasted 10 months and the guy had red flags so I got so anxious I had to break up. Then while I was still struggling a bit with anxiety, I met this wonderful man.. but here's the thing.. While I had/have feelings for him, doubts kept creeping up on me.. I broke up with him again tonight.. for the third time in 5 months. And I feel awful, but I tried sooo hard, I so wanted for this relationship to work, but I still kept feeling anxious and scared and uncertain, not sure if I was in love or not, etc. It was a constant struggle. the last time I had broken up with him, about a month ago, I told myself I would remain by myself for a few months to try and get better myself, but he showed up at my door 2 weeks ago with flowers and convinced me to try again. But here I am again. Why do I have such a hard time? I can't put the finger on what went wrong, I feel so sad and so bad right now, and the weirdest thing is that I already miss him. I feel the urge to call him just to make sure he's ok and to tell him I feel awful.. Help anyone?

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Quick answers:
Why does it hurt:
Thanks Sandra,
Yes, you're right it feels like a black abyss, I think about him and feel very sad and lonely. I miss him, but also know that I can't keep doing this to him if I'm not 100% sure.. when I'm with him I keep questioning whether I'm in love and trying to 'force' myself to really fall in love deeply with him, because I care so much about him, think I even love him at times, but something is wrong and I don't know what. I wanted to be with him so much so I don't understand why I could not. Some people told me 'you're just not in love with him'. I don't know anymore. Do I just need time for myself? Could that be why I can't fully connect.. many questions, and I know nobody can answer them unfortunately. Sucks.
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