Honest opinions wanted

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Honest opinions wanted
11
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:21am

This is going to sound strange, so bear with me. I went on a date with someone 6 times over a span of a couple of months. He was/is super shy, never asks a girl out, etc., but I found him to be interesting. However, I soon found out that he is nothing like guys I usually date. I'm usually into outgoing, funny, popular, witty, confident guys, but on our dates, I discovered that this guy was slightly dorky, reserved, and somewhat insecure. BUT, I was still interested in him (that chemistry thing), and from what everyone told me, he was the nicest guy, gentleman, all that good stuff.

So, for the dates...I was unsure of whether I really liked him and I would constantly analyze him in my head (like OMG, I can't believe he watches Dancing with the stars, etc.), but by the 3rd date or so, I started to say those things out loud to him. I also would say things like, I'm not sure if I really like you and all that...all the while he was telling me that he liked me. Although it seems like common sense that I should have known those statements would bother him, I wasn't thinking and he never stated that they did. So, a huge regret on my part.

Ok, so for the 7th date, he was supposed to come to my birtday party, but he called and left a v/m saying that he was unable to come because of a lame reason (he hadn't brought a change of clothes after work). I was really shocked and didn't expect that b/c I thought he was this "nice guy". So he calls me the next day, but I don't answer. I called him the following day and he apologized, blah blah blah, said he would call in a couple days, but never called me. I tried to call him on the 3rd day and he never answered. It's been 2 weeks now. I'm kinda bummed and feeling like I may have actually liked this guy. But, at the same time, I think just not calling is a jerk thing to do, no? Is there anything that I can/should do at this point? What's your opinion on the situation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:39am

Figure out what you want.
Do you like him or do you like him but not want to date him because he isn't a "good on paper" guy ie. he doesn't like what you like, he's kind of dorky.

It is kind of a jerk thing to not call however, if he is really shy and you are giving him negative vibes by being opinionated about what he likes to watch on tv it is probably very intimidating for him to pick up the phone. If he likes you and is saying it and you are not reciprocating or saying things like you don't like him, its no wonder he's pulling away, he doesn't want to get the old heave ho. He has feelings too and he is trying to protect them from getting hurt. He might not have the strong, solid ego of guys you are used to so the chase might end pretty quickly on his part although if you've been out 7 times I think he's doing a fair job. By now if you are not giving him anything to go on he might just take it as a hint to back off.

So figure out what you want to do. If you like him, let yourself like him and don't worry about the other stuff, its just incidentals. You don't have to agree on everything. If he's a great guy and nice guy, he is also very rare so snatch him up. If you want him, call him up, tell him you like him and would like to give things a shot. Don't beat around the bush or wait for him to come around again because he just might not. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 12:14pm
Thank you, sun14. That was sound advice. I am interested in him, but now just afraid of rejection. I guess I just need to swallow my pride and contact him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 2:03pm

I think you should just let it go. Whatever the reason is- he's shy, you gave off the vibe that you weren't interested- you haven't talked to him in 2 weeks. If he was really into you, he would have contacted you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:42pm
Ya know, I really think you have some valid points. My ego was definitely bruised and I was completely caught off guard by being dumped, but at the same time, I do think there is a true interest on my part. Also, I think you may be right on when you said if he was really interested in me, he would contact me. That's where I'm torn about contacting him. If he thought I was someone special, why wouldn't he speak up about my comments. Oh well...I'll definitely at least sleep on it for a couple of days. Thanks to both of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 4:09pm

You know, there's a really dangerous undercurrent when we say, "If he liked me, he'd (insert whatever here)." That will set you up for anger, disappointent, heartache every single time. Why? Because that statement is actually a comparison of what a perfect (don't deny it) guy "would do" versus the average Joe. Truthfully, more people are "average" in their dealings with people than not, and that includes every single person reading this, and the one writing it ;)

Let's face it, how many of us have acted in perfect synergy with someone we liked every single time? Uh-huh, not a one of us, so cut the poor guy a break, maybe he just doesn't know how to handle this particular situation; again, how many of us have been *there*? Give him a chance, give yourself a chance, and then if you find that the reasons were in fact, jerky, THEN act accordingly, but don't assume anything a minute before.

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:21am

I just wanted to provide an update. As a preface, he started a new job as a cop 3 weeks ago. I sent an email to him on the 5th, which stated the following: "Hey, hope work and other things are going well for you. I'm curious as to why you haven't called...did you lose interest or think I wasn't interested?"

His reply: "Hey...How have you been?? I don't really have a good reason about why I haven't called. I guess work is all I can really concentrate on right now...it's going good though. How's school going??"

So...can we say jerk material? I, of course, will not respond. I'm shocked and hurt. I at least expected an apology. But, life goes on and I know there are true nice guys out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:43am

Funny, I didn't see anything jerk-like about his response. Socially inept, yes, but not intentionally mailicious. I did, however, see typical insecurity in your email to him in the "did you lose interest?" part of it. I'm amazed when people jump right to that conclusion, but that statement becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in the instant it's delivered.

By letting yourself get upset that he didn't respond exactly the way you wanted, you've just "shoulded" him into the ground. Happens time and again.

Question: In your opinion, how would a "true nice guy" have responded?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:58am
A "nice guy" should have apologized, plain and simple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:57am

While I agree that "nice people" typically apologize for hurting or insulting someone, I will say that this whole chain of events can be summed up by the statement, "When you're a hammer, everything is a nail."

You were the one who kept telling him to his face you weren't sure if you even liked him, and so when he was interested, you maintained control by telling him you weren't. Beat a dog enough times and he'll learn, too. Now that the tables may be turned and he may have lost interest in you, possibly as a result of the treatment he got, you're upset and he's the jerk. Then again, you thought he would ultimately be one as soon as he didn't call you for two or three days in your first post.

So, maybe you don't see how you played an integral role in how this fell apart, but it's crystal clear from over here. You formed expectations of how he "should" act as a nice guy, and even though he kept expressing his interest in you even in the face of your demoralizing "I'm not sure if I like yous" that really didn't count for much (which is more than I would have done as a nice girl), the instant he fulfilled his "jerk" status by not actng in the way you expected, *that's* what you zeroed in on, because tht's what made you right.

When you secretly expect each guy to act like a jerk eventually, then eventually, each guy will act like a jerk. Maybe your handle is much more telling of your true feelings than you think it is, luvstinks.

Better luck next time,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:19am
Although slightly lacking in tact, I can certainly appreciate the candidness in your response. I completely accept blame for my part. I was immature in my interactions with him. Instead of keeping the thoughts of "do I really like this guy?" in my head, I carelessly spewed them out in front of his face. In all honesty though, that's not how I typically interact with others. This was a new way of responding for me, and I think it's because I tried dating a new, different type of guy. Instead of going for the cocky, popular guy, I went for the somewhat dorky, awkward one. I'm most definitely walking away with a lesson learned though...I won't treat another guy the same way. You can't sway me on one thing though...he handled the ending "jerkishly". Two wrongs don't make a right.


Edited 5/8/2007 10:26 am ET by luvstinks123

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