Hope is Hell

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Hope is Hell
1
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 8:31pm

Hello everyone. My boyfriend of 4 months just broke up with me four days ago (we’re both 20). He hadn’t come over explicitly for that purpose, but after a long and emotional talk, we ended things. We both have our problems: I have had difficulty just relaxing and being happy with him (which has more to do with my personality and other issues than with him), and he has found it difficult to put so much faith in another person after being badly hurt by his most recent ex-girlfriend. He has told that he still loves me, that it’s just not working right now. He has contacted me twice since then – once by email and once in person – to make sure that I am doing alright (which he knows I’m not).

I believe the problems that led to the end of our relationship are ones that can be fixed with time and a little effort. I have already set up a counseling session to start resolving my own issues, and I think his fears are something only some time can fix (he broke up with his ex of three years, who cheated on him, only five months before we began dating). But my question is this: at what point does legitimate hope for reconciliation become sheer denial? I can’t see any middle ground here. In my mind, I either have to hold on to the possibility of us getting back together (which would certainly draw out the healing process if it never comes to pass), or I have to set my mind to getting over him (which would probably extinguish any future potential for reconciliation).

So do I wait a couple of months to contact him, all the while trusting that we still have a chance? Or do I try to purge him from my system (I have never done this before, but I imagine it requires a fair amount of villainizing), and in the process risk pushing away one of the best things that has ever happened to me? Any insight would be appreciated, guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:05pm
Good for you that you'll start working toward becoming a better person, a healthy one. IMHO, waiting to contact him in a few months won't "fix" the problem. He has issues of trust and he needs to work on them as well. If in a few month you both decide to get together again, both of you will be dating a different person. You'd be healthier, but he'll be deeper into is issues. If you don't see middle ground then there is none and the best thing to do is to move on.