hope i did the right thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
hope i did the right thing
12
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:34am

I just ended a two year relationship. In the beginning everything was perfect (isn't it always). We had an incredible friendship to start with. It was a very loving, supportive, open, communicative relationship. We talked about a future together.

Six months ago, he became very withdrawn and eventually emotionally abusive. He threatened to leave, he would not engage in conversations or do any of the things we used to do. I tried to break through, but I could not. He shut down on me and blamed it on his past. He comes from a very broken home and has issues that he's never really dealt with. He said that he'd waited his whole life to meet someone like me to complete him.

I don't think that people complete one another. You have to be whole and happy and love yourself before you can get into a relationship. He has deep hurt and voids that I will never be able to fill. No one will.

I broke it off with him and told him that I hope that he gets help and learns to love himself. He said he would go get help and fix himself, but he needed to know if there was hope for us. I had to tell him 'no' because he needs to want to help himself for him and not any one else.

It hurt a lot to do that. We had such a great beginning and I know he's a good person.

I just hope I did the right thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:37am
I really think you did the right thing. When I was reading this, I felt like I was reading something that I had written. My ex also saw his mother go through three different marriages, mental instituions, etc. and he had a lot of problems before we got into our relationship and they started to affect our relationship as well. I think you have a terrific mindset. Some women like to stick around and "fix" the guy, when that is not possible. Don't feel guilty, there is nothing you can do and he would have just taken you down with him. I think by leaving you helped both of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:49am

Thanks so much. I needed to hear that. It is hard to get over the good parts and know that they just weren't enough.

We came into one another's lives for a reason. I had a lot of great things happen work-wise by relocating with him and hopefully he will finally get the help he needs.

Now it's time to stop looking at what could have been and move on.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:52am
I agree with kiwi...I think you did the right thing. My ex has a HORRIBLE past - I won't go into detail, but I KNOW it totally affects the way he treats me and his whole outlook on the world. He will NEVER admit to it and refuses to seek any treatment or help. I think, as hard as it was, you did the only thing you could do. And you were RIGHT ON about him WANTING to change for HIMSELF...otherwise, it will never work. Don't be too hard on yourself!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:08pm

"Hope I did the Right Thing". Stop questioning yourself and start thikning "I Did the Right Thing." On Saturday i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Though we didnt start as friends, rather fell in love very fast w/o knowing much about eachother, they both seem to ahve some similarities.

Firstly, My boyfriend, I mean X-boyfriend dealt with a lot of family issues,abuse etc. He had 2 choices, accept his past and try to become a better person, or feel guilt and angera bout his past. He chose the second. Soon after we began our whirlwin, he starting showing symptoms of anger and posessiveness. Though he never touched me, the emotional abuse was totally out of hand. The longer i stayed in the relationship the weaker i became. Right before the break up i began to notice that i had lost myself, bc i was soo involved in taking care of him and trying to make him happy. I know that you love him and think that you can change him YOU CAN'T! He might try to get help like my X did, hestarted off strong, just because i wanted him to do it, but soon gave up. Episodes will continue and you will find yourself in an never ending cycle of love- hate-resentment- confusion! Like they say "Zebras can't change their stripes" and certainly not over night!

Secondly: I can hear the guilt in words. I hear them in mine as well. This is common in these types of relationships because they are abusive. You nor i will ever be able to save or mend these guys, even though they fell that being with us makes them happy, whole, confident, a different person, etc. we cannot be their gift.
Please don't feel guilty for breaking up with him. i know it's hard, but you now have to learn that you must put yourself first. Kepp telling yourself "I did the right thing!" and remember all the bad things he has said/ done. Personally, i could write a book consumed with all his emotional abuse jargon!

Lastly, Think about you. This is the hardest thing for me because Im always trying to please others and make other people happy. But for the next month, think only about you! Do what you want, go out and have no inhibitions. Stayt surrounded by friends and family adn when you want to cry or start to think about him, remember everything that you disliked or wanted to change about him. Also, go out and flirt, be the woman that you are and start to build back up your confidence and self-esteem.

Remember life is too short and pain is temporary.

Please write back ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 12:29pm

I totally agree with everything you are saying. I can't play nurse to someone and fill someone's emptiness. Sounds like you and I had pretty similar situations.

I will get past the guilt and put myself first. Like you, I have always tried to make everyone else happy and keep the peace. I started to lose myself in that relationship - stopped doing things I enjoyed to keep his jealousy and anger at bay. That scared me and was a wake up call. I couldn't believe that I was changing myself that much. I am also a very optimistic person. He was not and his darkness got darker as the relationship went on. Those are the parts I have to remember.

I have a great life, family and friends. I have wonderful job that will keep me very busy. So, soon this will be a distant memory.

I did do the right thing....that's my new mantra.

Thanks for writing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 3:14pm

Wow. I am going through my own stuff with a breakup--- and it was only a relationship that lasted a few months. And the more I read, the more I realize I could have been in your shoes in two years. Breakups are never easy. And the older I've gotten the more I've realized how having a bad family situation can affect someone! I came from a verbally abusive home--- and I spent many years in therapy dealing with it and how it affected my self esteem and my relationships- dating and friendships.

Because of my past, I have a soft spot for men who haven't had the best parents. The funny thing is I see more and more (especially guys in their 30's and up) who haven't had easy childhoods (and on the surface the parents may still be married or now happily remarried)--- and it catches up with these guys. My now ex (we broke up two weeks ago)--- pretended from day one that his family was "the Brady Bunch" and there were no isses. Our parents even hung out together and I found out--- his family (him, a brother and the still married parents) NEVER spend a day in the same room together--- well maybe once every few years. My ex and his brother (both guys are 39 and 42) had trouble forming long standing relationships--- and the brother had no desire to get married or have a family. I don't think that's an accident after seeing how little his family interacted.

I recognized these issues within the first three months. And two of my other exs (both of which lasted 3 months) I realized also came from family backgrounds of an angry divorce, and the other had a father who had a mental illness. None of these men ever did therapy and it clearly came out in their relationships.

It is THEIR job to fix themselves--- and it can happen! I do have friends who had horrible childhoods and are incredibly well adjusted and make good choices with their friends. I think you did the right thing--- once their is a lack of trust (and threatening to take away the relationship is a passive-aggressive behavior) its hard to want to be in a push-pull relationship where there is a lack of control--- and a lack of trust. I applaud you--- a lot of people wouldn't be as strong. You definately did the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 4:34pm
You totally did the right thing. That was very mature and unselfish of you. As hard as it was it will be better for him in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:01pm

Thank you for all the responses and support. It was a very tough conversation (it's over....forever) to have, but I feel the right one. I hope he deals with his issues, otherwise he'll have a tough life with them. I've learned a lot and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

As the minutes pass, it's easier to see that it was the best decision for both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 5:22pm

::As the minutes pass, it's easier to see that it was the best decision for both of us.


Isn't that a GREAT place to be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:08am

Hi Amy,

Sorry to hear this. I know how tough it can be. I just broke up recently with my partner of 18 months and now, 2 months later she's seeing someone new and I'm gutted. Her behaviour was erratic, moody, and sometimes bizarre. We split up but never had a proper break-up conversation. We just stopped seeing each other and she distanced herself, then push-pulled. That made it so much more difficult because we kept seeing each other, did things, called, chatted and I hoped this was actually a reconiliation. Then 3 weeks ago while we're at the gym, she says she's been "seriously" dating a guy and "we want the same things" and "please don't tell anyone, my best friend doesn't even know". I was gutted, hurt, felt insulted at being told "don't tell anyone" and have since shut it down. We've been engaged in an email exchange about our feelings but it's gone no where and only served to reassure me that breaking up with her was the best thing that could have happened. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't know what her feelings are from day to day or moment to moment. You're not a social worker and not a health-care professional, you're a partner and gf and you deserve to be treated with respect and equality.

You are right to be sad. It's ok to have ups and downs, to miss the great times, the friendships, but realize that this is all part of the human continuum. Even happy couples have good and bad days. Just don't get stuck in a pity trap.

Suggest you not contact him right now to protect yourself. People like this--sad lonely, desperate might suddenly rush into another relationship only to show that they can do it leaving you wondering what happened. Brace yourself for this possibility and move on.

You did the best you could. But it's no fun being in a relationship where the whole dynamic is based around one partner's needs, moods, agenda. It's always an exchange. If he's not able to do this, you cannot save him, you must save yourself.

Please take special care to grieve the loss and resist any temptation to get back because you feel lonely or because he's crying or feeling sorry. If he's serious about getting help, your leaving could be the best thing for him.

All of us have issues, but if we let those issues cloud our relationships, we're not dealing with them in a constructive positive way.

When you're ready start dating again just to get out there and open yourself to new and healthy possibilities.

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