hope i did the right thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
hope i did the right thing
12
Mon, 03-12-2007 - 11:34am

I just ended a two year relationship. In the beginning everything was perfect (isn't it always). We had an incredible friendship to start with. It was a very loving, supportive, open, communicative relationship. We talked about a future together.

Six months ago, he became very withdrawn and eventually emotionally abusive. He threatened to leave, he would not engage in conversations or do any of the things we used to do. I tried to break through, but I could not. He shut down on me and blamed it on his past. He comes from a very broken home and has issues that he's never really dealt with. He said that he'd waited his whole life to meet someone like me to complete him.

I don't think that people complete one another. You have to be whole and happy and love yourself before you can get into a relationship. He has deep hurt and voids that I will never be able to fill. No one will.

I broke it off with him and told him that I hope that he gets help and learns to love himself. He said he would go get help and fix himself, but he needed to know if there was hope for us. I had to tell him 'no' because he needs to want to help himself for him and not any one else.

It hurt a lot to do that. We had such a great beginning and I know he's a good person.

I just hope I did the right thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:27am

Ugh. This is hard. Yesterday I was feeling SO strong. I broke the news of our break up to a few of my close friends who were SHOCKED. I didn't tell them about his issues as they were occuring because there was no need to, so they didn't see it coming. They all said that they were so proud of me for having the strength to do what was the best and healthiest thing to do.

This morning has been tough. I am really feeling sad about the loss of a friendship and the parts of the relationship that were great. It hit me like a ton of bricks today when I came across a pile of letters from him from when we first started dating. I can't figure out where that person went...it's like he died! I do not have an urge to call or get back together because the person he was in the beginning is not who he is today.

He is a good person, it's just so sad that he has never dealt with his issues, old pain and hurt. I know that he's part of my past know and it was what it was. I REALLY hope he gets help and get out from under his issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:56am

Hi Amy,

I just came back from my weekly dance social. This was where I met my ex gf, it was where we developed a 2 year friendship before an 18 month intimate relationship which came to an end 2 months ago. The reasons are on another post. But we used to dance all the time, we built up the membership, we worked together on projects, it was a big part of our lives.

3 weeks ago, while we were still hanging out, friends, chatting, seeing each other, calling each other we were at the gym--another common activity. I asked why she hadn't been dancing lately, it was fun etc etc, gossiping about some people etc.

Remember, we're on the bikes sweating...and in this moment so absurd it was straight out of Sex and the City...she kind of mentions in a casual way "Oh, I haven't been going lately because I'm now seriously dating someone. So we spend a lot of time together, We both want the same things. He's not like you, a bit more demanding so there's conflicts and we weren't friends before like you and I but..." My jaw drops. I tell her we cannot be friends, I'm upset. Then 3 weeks of emails that go from chatting to blunt. I'm upset that she left from one serious relationship to jump into another.

She's denying this reality. It's sick. I feel horrible and shocked that someone who claimed to be a "feelings" person would be so cavalier, passive aggressive, hurtful in telling me this. Was this revenge or was this just a lack of empathy for my feelings.

Anyway, a few days ago, I write my final email, and sign it "Goodbye". I get yet another email from her waffling about how she wants me to know she didn't just jump into another serious relationship with a new guy. Again denial.

Today....I go to my weekly dance social. For the first time in 3 weeks she suddenly appears. I felt horrible. As discretely as possible I gathered my things and left. I left because I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to talk to her. I don't know what message she's sending---is this new guy not so "serious?" or does she just want to dance? Too many questions, too many emotions so I left.

I recognize it's going to be like this for a while. There are other dance socials I can go to. There are ways to avoid her. All the experts advise NO CONTACT and while it was an effort to make. The feelings of sadness and anger waft by, but at least I can face them alone rather than in the atmosphere that would not be conducive to healing.

It hurts when someone you love changes before your eyes. But it's important right now for YOU to be self-protective. Don't get caught up in his drama. One day at a time, one step at a time.

You owe yourself a life. You did the right thing. Don't second guess. People will ask, but you can simply say "We're not together, and it's hard for me to talk about so please don't ask". People will underestand.

You will also start to see people's kindness more acutely in this situation. You'll notice that there is a life beyond this relationship and it's important for you to keep going.

Long-winded but your post struck a chord with me. Cheers!

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