to hope or not to hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
to hope or not to hope
2
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 3:40am

i haven't checked out these boards in a while... i forgot how helpful it is to read them. i think i've been doing pretty well with the NC rule (for a few months at least). my ex and i broke up in 2005, and yet not a day goes by that i don't think about him. and it's been over 2 years now!! it seems as if time doesn't heal a broken heart. i even studied abroad in Australia for a semester to help me move on and keep my mind off of him. before leaving, i deleted him from my facebook, myspace, xanga, and aim (finally). but this was after visiting him at his college (yeah, bad idea i know) and i was mad he didn't seem to want me back even though he slept over at my friends' apartment with me and we kissed. but since then, i haven't talked to him for over 5 months. while abroad, i had distractions to keep me busy although i still thought about him. but now that i'm back, i just want to call him and catch up. i want to know how his spring semester went and what he's doing this summer. is a friendly chat ok?

the thing is, i'm secretly hoping for more than a friendly chat (although i don't plan to tell him how i really feel). i'm hoping he still misses me too. it's been 2 years and we both haven't found anyone new. is he still holding out for me? he told me the reason we broke up was because of distance and going to different schools, and he was afraid of getting hurt again (i made a mistake by breaking up with him once before, i wasn't thinking, and since then he has had trouble trusting me no matter how much i told him i'd never hurt him again). there were no other problems besides that. i still think we have a chance of getting together when the time is right, and once he's healed. but it's been 2 years!! am i a fool to wait and still hope he'll want me back? if he wanted me back, wouldn't he have done something by now? if he still thought we had a chance in the future, why hasn't he tried to keep in touch?

plus, i'm starting pharmacy school this fall. i'm afraid i won't be able to concentrate on school if i got back into a relationship. but if i don't take action now, i'd have trouble concentrating anyway wondering whether he still loves me and fantasizing about the past... during class, like i usually do. and i'm afraid the longer i wait, there's more of a chance of him getting over me and meeting someone else. i feel like i should take action now... i've waited so long because i wanted to give him time to heal and i felt like it was the right thing to do, for him. he's the type of guy who always tries to do what is right and wants the best for the both of us, so i tried to do the same.

i've been deeply depressed for 2 years. i want to feel happy again, and i feel like getting him back is the only thing that could bring the happiness back.

should i contact him?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 11:55am

OH HECK NO!!!!

I'm reading your post going, how could she think this would possibly be a good idea--given that you set yourself back to the beginning last time you saw him?

You're not 2 years into your breakup recovery, you're just a few months into it.

Do you want to start the clock over again, yet again, and continue in this painful limbo indefinitely, or do you want to really move on and have a chance of feeling better in the future?

Have you considered talking to a counselor about the letting go process?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 3:25am
thanks for knocking some sense back into me. i didn't realize i sounded that crazy. you prevented me from making another big mistake. i'm just tired of waiting for something to happen and wanted to do something... he probably would think i'm pathetic and feel sorry for me if i called him...