Horrible Morning, Can't Breathe...
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Horrible Morning, Can't Breathe...
| Mon, 03-12-2007 - 10:44am |
I have been having a horrible morning. For those of you that don't know me, my fiance and I broke up in August three days before we were to be married. We tried again in September and October and he recently came back to me in late February, begging me to trust him that he wouldn't leave and he even moved to a new apartment so we could have our privacy from his roommate. Well, upon going to his new apartment on Saturday, he told me that he didn't think he loved me enough to make it work. He has a tendency in his life to quit things, various jobs, school twice, and now us again. He flat out said that's what he does and he has no intentions of changing for anyone. He also lies to his friends and family, I have witnessed it, so I know he isn't a good person, but I still can't get over the fact that he doesn't love me like I love him. I don't even know why I love him. Before we got engaged, he was the sweetest guy ever and my best friend. After that, he talked to his ex-girlfriend behind my back, she left him messages telling him to leave me; he looked at porn all the time on the computer and lied to me about it (he was the only other person I lived with!)... I just don't understand why I'm so upset. I have no health insurance so I can't go to therapy right now and afford it. I just feel like I can't breathe because I know that it is over now. I wanted to make it work, I didn't want to give up, but he did. I feel so stupid and so lonely. I actually put my all into this because I wanted to know that if I walked away, I did what I could, but that is no consolation. I just don't know what to do next. When we broke up before, I wrote him a letter and burned it, I burned our pictures, I got rid of the rings and the wedding dress, everything... I feel like I've done all of that and it hasn't worked. I don't know what to do. I just want to curl up into a ball and die. Of course, I won't, I'm stronger than that, but I just don't know what to do next.

You ARE stronger than that, girl! Believe that! This guy sounds like more trouble and heartache than he's worth. I know that doesn't help much in getting over him, but from the brief description you've posted, he sure doesn't sound like anyone you should WANT to be in a relationship with! I know it's hard to get over someone, I am struggling with it day to day myself. In the end, though, you need to know that life DOES go on. If he's already stated that he's 'not going to change for anyone' - you can bet HE will be miserable the rest of his life! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE! Put on a happy face, and move forward - away from him and on to bigger and better things!!!
It sucks that you don't have insurance, but, you should be able to qualify for a 'sliding scale' rate at a counseling center. Contact your local Community Health Dept or Social Services and see what you can find out. I did this once and my visits were less than $20 to see someone. It will help!
Nothing anyone is going to say to you is going to make it better but what works for me is having someone in the same situation understand the feeling of not being able to breathe and feeling at the end of the day like it might just be ok but than waking up the next morning and feeling worse than the day before.
I keep replaying that scene in my head from "the Holiday" where Kate Winslet is crying in front of her computer saying "I hate my horrible miserable life". I do that about 15 times a day.