Horribly rough few days

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Horribly rough few days
6
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 1:31pm

Hi all,

It has been almost two months since my break up. About a week and a half ago I asked for NC because he was calling me constantly asking about random pointless things. I was doing really well last week - very content and finding joy with my own company again. But this weekend (Sunday) was awful. I was slammed by regret, sadness and overwhelming sense of loss. It's like I was going through what it felt like that first few weeks where I couldn't think of anything else but how I lost the best person in the world.

I keep thinking that I could have prevented it. That maybe I should try to win him back in some way. My story (if you want to know the background is a post titled "Break up after the death of his mother").

I feel like I've gone mad all over again. I want to call him, I want to ask him why he broke things off, if we could try again, if I could prove to him that we're meant to be.

How do I get past this? I have been fighting tears two days straight.

Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:00pm

Ugh, I'm so sorry you feel this way!! I remember feeling the EXACT same way not too long ago. Unfortunately, "the only way over it is through it." It's so cheesy, but it's so true. All of us know what it feels like to be making progress then feel like it's all just gone and we're no better off than we were the day it happened. But that's not true!! You've made so much progress that you can't even see through your tears right now. This is the most crucial time for you to stay strong. Continue with no contact; I PROMISE you it will only make you feel worse if you backslide in that area. If you really ever want a man back, it is imperative that he know what it feels like to suffer a TOTAL LOSS as far as you're concerned. I'm not necessarily encouraging you hold onto false hope here...some of the best advice I EVER got when going through my break up was to do absolutely everything in my power to get over him. SO, in that spirit, make a list of things that make you happy that have nothing to do with him, go shopping with a friend, vent on here as much as you need to.

Also...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Repeat as many times as necessary. This was HIS CHOICE, not yours. Think good thoughts and lift yourself up. You can do it! Whenever you get some good advice or hear something that makes you feel better, write it down. Compile a list of those things that have helped and read it every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed. It will get better, I promise.

Chin up, we're all here for you!

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:11pm
Hello. I just read your other post, and I wanted to tell you that I am sorry, and I feel for you. You were with someone for 7 years, and now your world has been turned upside down. The first thing you need to do, is stop beating yourself up for this break up. Your ex needed to do what was best for him, it seems that this death sent him into an emotional tailspin, and now he is doing what's best for him. Sometimes traumatic situations change who we are, sometimes it is temporary, other times it is everlasting. Did he ever go to counseling? Sometimes these things bring people closer together, other times they tear them apart. I know that you are asking yourself the same million questions in your head about what you did, and didn't do, and what you could've done better, but you can't. It looks like the death of his mother was a huge factor in this break up, and that was something you obviously had no control over. It hasn't been that long since you and your ex have been broken up, it is going to take a lot of time for you to start to feel at peace in this situation. My first ex and I were together for 3 years, and it took me a little over a year to be completely at peace with the situation. I know that is nothing compared to you, but sometimes in relationships time isn't everything, it's what you shared-and my ex was my life, so I felt like I lost everything. Take time, read books, there are so many out there, just do things that are good for YOU. You said you cut off contact right? Well don't regret it, because the more you guys contact eachother, the farther is will set you back....it's time for you to think about you and not him...I understand that he went through a tough time, but you tried to be there for him the best you could.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:29pm

Hi S,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and for telling me to NOT BREAK NC. I was really on the verge today - I had rationalized that if I want something, I should go get it. I should fight for what I want but I guess that type of logic doesn't work in all situations. The world is in shades of greys, not black and white like I have always thought.

Thank you for giving me strength. Your words really pulled me out of that thought of wanting to contact him. Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:39pm

Thanks guitarchica

It really helps to have people's support. Our situation was tough and I was totally devastated. But I guess these types of situations play out differently for each person, for each couple. I thought he would come to me too - for comfort and support but instead he pulled away and I still wonder why. It's very difficult to not question your own self worth when something like this happens. I've always been a very independent, strong, confident woman and I was so surprised at how crushed I was after all this happened and how much I questioned myself. I still wonder why I'm not enough, what I could have done differently, what I can do now to convince him that we're meant to be. As positive as I am, it's very hard to imagine meeting someone else and sharing the same intimacy that we had. Love makes people crazy. I am so illogical when it comes to this. People say he doesn't deserve me, that I deserve better. But I don't think of love that way. There's no tally - if I love you, I will give you the moon and the stars. I will love you unconditionally. And now I feel like I have all this love to give and no where to put it. It's hard when you offer your love and support and he essentially says "no thank you". It's heartbreaking.

But this board is really helping and learning from all of your experiences gives me hope that there is a light. My faith in God has strengthened also. I guess you find strength in your moments of weakness. It's good to know that I'm not alone in these experiences, that there are others out there who have gone through this and survived. I just want it to stop hurting.

I really just want to stop feeling pain. I walk around with a hole inside me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:46pm
In reply to your question about counseling - he didn't want to go. I researched some grief groups and actually attended some sessions to gain some perspective on what he could be going through. It was heartbreaking to see these people in so much pain but they were so wonderful when I told them that I was there to try and help my bf who lost his mother. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to read any of the books I got him. I tried to have fresh flowers in the house because his mom loved them but he didn't even notice. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to not have done any of those things. It's like I reminded him of his mother and to deal with the pain, he removed me from his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 5:02pm
You offered support, and it was his choice to deny it. I think it is heartbreaking when you hold your hand out for someone, and they push it away. You did all you could. You will eventually be yourself again, and this will make you stronger. Like I said, everyone greives in different ways, it looks like he couldn't deal with the problem head on, and some people are like that. Sidenote, when my mother divorced my father, by dad went on and on like nothing had happened and about a year later he crashed and burned-guys have weird ways of dealing with things, and most of them shut themselves off. I would say you are better off, I know if I were in a crisis situation I would want to be someone to hold my hand and go through it with me, rather than be pushed away. My first ex was pretty much a jerk when we broke up and I felt like I was the only one who was suffering, but that was what made me so much stronger.