How to bring up Divorce ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
How to bring up Divorce ...
2
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:14pm

I have reached a point in my marriage of 5 yrs, where I've realized I need to let go and move on. I have been in a controlling and mentally abusive relationship, and after attempting couples therapy over the last year, and continuing to be blamed for "our problems" I've reached a breaking point.

We are more or less "roommates" at this point. Now, even though I've suffered through the mental abuse etc. over the years I do not want to hurt him, when I bring up divorce (if that is even possible). I am now out of town staying with family, to try and build up my strength to confront him. I have told him I am down here just trying to "figure out what I need". Because of his tendency towards anger/agression I am hesitant to confront him face to face. Does anyone have any suggestions with how I can go about handling this situation, while also keeping his feelings in mind?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 4:34pm
not sure that is something you can bring up without him getting hurt, just my opinion but i really think you need to start thinking about yourself and what you want and not worry about if people get hurt. When relationships ened people always get hurt, just the way it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 6:51pm

First, I am sorry you are going through this.

I've gone through something similar. I've uttered the words, "I dont want to hurt him" and I've thought about the impact of me leaving him. I found myself concentrating on his feelings than the pain that I was going through, caused by him. Thats what controlling behavior does- it makes you feel guilty and deflects any blame from the controller.
My family/friends said to me, "You have to take care of yourself. Think about your own happiness."
You sound like a very caring and loving person. Give yourself some of that love that you deserve. I know in my case, I was scared of failure...of having the relationship fail, after all that I did to try to make it work. My friend said to me, "you will be failing yourself more if you stay in this unhealthy relationship".
Listen to your gut and make a decision toward your own happiness.

If you absolutely cannot confront him, then get a plan together so that you are in control of moving forward with a divorce. Perhaps discuss the plan with a trusted family member, friend,clergyman so that you can have as much support as possible.
Be strong. Give yourself credit for your already incredible strength.

Take care and best of luck to you