How can I survive the weekend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
How can I survive the weekend?
42
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:10pm

I know he will be with her this weekend. He'll bring her flowers, he'll whisper sweet nothings, shower her with affection.

After one date he chose her. After one date. He said I'd "complicate" things and that she made him happy. (News flash butthead--you're making her responsible for your happiness. Think she'll fill up that gaping hole? Nope)

He's been depressed for a while, since he lost his high profile job in a high profile industry. Over the past few years his depression has only worsened following a series of business and friendship failures, all caused by his pride and ego. He's never wrong. Or at least he's never admitted as much. Says I haven't been available to him and he's right in a way. I've been struggling too, with a way too demanding job and a teenage son who needs my attention and the money I make at this crappy job to pay what his scholarship doesn't cover for the best private school in the state. I haven't been there for him, he hasn't been there for me. He's hidden in his house and I got scared and backed off, leaving him alone too much. He's having a midlife crisis and she's his little red sports car. I should hate him, forget about him and move on.

But I can't. We've been friends our entire lives, lovers sometimes, but always friends.
I know now I can't have him in my life anymore. But how do I do that? He's always been in my world, one way or another. I know his family, knew his brothers before I knew him. And his father. Have friendships I developed with each that are independent of him and each other. For heavens sake his father has been sending me Christmas gifts for years, even while my ex and I were married to other people! I can't remember when I didn't have him in my life! But I feel like I'm his transistion girl, something to do until someone better comes along. He says we are bound together forever. How in Gods name can I break that bond? It is a strong tie, emotionally, mentally, physically. We have never been able to break it. We always end up back in each others arms. We stay in each others hearts.

And tonight he'll be making love to someone else. Maybe not physically, but with his heart. And I'll be heart broken thinking about it. The worst thing is I know he'll be back, he'll call or email a week fron now or a year from now. Or worse, he'll just show up. And then I'll never heal. I'll never get over him. Usually one of us calls or writes, normally its me. This time I can't. I have to stay away for my own sake! (which isn't going to be easy since we live a mile apart and our worlds are directly in each others paths.)(note to self- find another Kroger and a new pharmacy)

The thing is, while I doubt this thing with the other woman can last forever, it may last weeks or even years, but eventually he'll be back. He always comes back. Has for 30 years. I just can't be the same person I've always been when he gets here.

But first, before I can heal I have to make it through the weekend, but how???

Its killing me and I hate feeling like this!

Anyone have any ideas? Anyone in the same boat want to IM this weekend to keep each other on track?

Patti
on day 3 NC

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 2:34pm
Just out of curosity why would you want this man back after he continally (it sounds like) or periodically chooses other women over you and then comes back to you again? He has a pattern of behavior then over the last 30 years? I don't understand. Could you possilbly tell me how all of this came about?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 2:52pm

It isn't that I *want* him back, its that he'll *be* back. I just need to be strong enough when he does so that I don't fall back into the same old trap.

And that means getting over him, which is much easier said than done. I'm truly heart broken. If I can just make it through the next few weeks and stay away from him maybe I'll get my bearings back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:08pm

Start hanging out with friends. Form your very own support group of friends. Start seeing another man. Get involved w/your community. Go to the gym, shopping. Do something nice for yourself.

I have every confidence in you that you will make the right decisions for yourself b/c you really do want to move on with you life after all of this time and do the right thing for yourself b/c you LOVE yourself. It all starts with Self love, loving the self. Good luck. I know that you can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:18pm

*sigh*

Thank you. I need to hear those things. It is the first step to believing them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:26pm

You all ready do beleive them. Trust yourself. Trust that you love youself enough to make the right decisions for yourself and your life.

If you need to talk some more...just post back. I will try to help and support you the best that I can.

For whatever reason, I related to your post, and felt a connection.

I think as women, we've pretty much all been there and done that, so to speak. I know exactly how you feel. It's all about wanting better for yourself and your life and there is nothing wrong with that at all. It's just that we start out brand new, make mistakes, get hurt, and start settling for less. When we start setteling for less, then we end up with even less than what we settle for in the very first place. You will eventually learn to love yourself more, trust yourself more, and believe in yourself more...the more you make the right, good, and healthier decisions for yourself. Deep down inside, you know that you are doing the right thing, and Hell Yeah it hurts like Hell, but that everything will work out okay in the end, the way that it is supposed too.

I know that it's hard to fathom right now...but when you free yourself of all of the self destructive, self sabotaging, and unhealthy behaviors...then a whole new world will open right up for you. YOu will hear better, see clearer, and love healthier. You will find things out about yourself that you never knew before. It's a learning, healing, and grieving process all in one.

It's not easy. But it can be done. I'm there for ya.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:33pm

You made me cry, but in a much better way then I have been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:50pm

Well, if it was a good cry then good.

In life, it is complicated. You kind of inspired me to write a little. You are an inspiration. I can think of nothing worse than seeing another human being in pain and feeling helpless to help them. I just want to reach out to you and hug you...see you face to face. So that you can see my face and know what I know. You are perfectly imperfect just the way that you are. It's a beautiful thing. Just remember that there are no guarentees in life. It's sad. But it's also a reaity too. You are in charge of your own happiness.

I think, as women, we tend to look for others to fill us up. When we have to be filled up all ready, all ready whole ourselves, loving ourselves, in order that we may love someone else in return and to give them something back. B/c if you don't love yourself all ready...then what are you really giving to the other person in the relationship anyways?

All I can say is...that guy...whoever he is...doesn't know what a wonderful person he lost when he messed it up with you.

The hard part is...he has to learn that lesson for himself. And he may never learn.

It just rememinded me of that Bobby McFerren song...(I don't know how old you are, I think I'm showing my age now) he sings the song...Don't worry be happy...don't worry be happy now..

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now

Don't worry, be happy Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy Don't worry, be happy

I am 30 years old by the way. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 3:57pm

Here...I wrote this for you to cheer you up!

When you are down
And the life you lead is blue
Just hum a little tune
And think of me
And I will hear it
And think of you
When you are sad
And all you can see are tears
Just hum a little tune
And think of me
And I will hear it
And think of you
When life passes you by
And your life here is done
Know that you have loved
And have loved well
Since you have learned to love
Yourself and you are the one
Who gives love back to others
And back to the world
People will see your light
Shining through the clouds
And pick up your happy tune
And they will hum along
And think of you too

To: asutherngrl
From: mellissacoburn
May 11, 2007

By the way...I am a southern girl myself. Oklahoma! you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 4:00pm

Just as I was enjoying your post...

He's friggin' calling me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That didn't take long enough at all. I won't answer. I'll keep talking to you!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm 44. Which is waaay too old to answer the phone. But if I keep writing to you
maybe he'll stop

Ta da!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Babbled long enough to avoid both his calls, to my office phone and to my cell.

Crap. He left a voice mail. He *never* leaves voice mail.

BTW, I've known him for as long as you've been alive. Coincidence?
You be the judge? You weren't born in April of 77 were you?
Why yes, I'm still babbling. I don't want to check my voice mail.
Too bad, its time to go get my son at school. Think I'll leave my phone here
so I don't check that stupid voice mail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 4:01pm

Also, I will leave you with this word: Forgivness.

Forgive yourself. Forgive him too (the jerk off). You can not totally love yourself or give love to another without it. That's just the way it is.

Get rid of the guilt over whatever. Guilt is such a wasted emotion & waste of time and energy. This life is too short and precious for that.

Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Get rid of all the guilt and start loving yourself. Then you will start to feel better and eventually everthing will fall into place the was that is was supposed to be and the way that it was meant to be.

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