How can I survive the weekend?
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| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:10pm |
I know he will be with her this weekend. He'll bring her flowers, he'll whisper sweet nothings, shower her with affection.
After one date he chose her. After one date. He said I'd "complicate" things and that she made him happy. (News flash butthead--you're making her responsible for your happiness. Think she'll fill up that gaping hole? Nope)
He's been depressed for a while, since he lost his high profile job in a high profile industry. Over the past few years his depression has only worsened following a series of business and friendship failures, all caused by his pride and ego. He's never wrong. Or at least he's never admitted as much. Says I haven't been available to him and he's right in a way. I've been struggling too, with a way too demanding job and a teenage son who needs my attention and the money I make at this crappy job to pay what his scholarship doesn't cover for the best private school in the state. I haven't been there for him, he hasn't been there for me. He's hidden in his house and I got scared and backed off, leaving him alone too much. He's having a midlife crisis and she's his little red sports car. I should hate him, forget about him and move on.
But I can't. We've been friends our entire lives, lovers sometimes, but always friends.
I know now I can't have him in my life anymore. But how do I do that? He's always been in my world, one way or another. I know his family, knew his brothers before I knew him. And his father. Have friendships I developed with each that are independent of him and each other. For heavens sake his father has been sending me Christmas gifts for years, even while my ex and I were married to other people! I can't remember when I didn't have him in my life! But I feel like I'm his transistion girl, something to do until someone better comes along. He says we are bound together forever. How in Gods name can I break that bond? It is a strong tie, emotionally, mentally, physically. We have never been able to break it. We always end up back in each others arms. We stay in each others hearts.
And tonight he'll be making love to someone else. Maybe not physically, but with his heart. And I'll be heart broken thinking about it. The worst thing is I know he'll be back, he'll call or email a week fron now or a year from now. Or worse, he'll just show up. And then I'll never heal. I'll never get over him. Usually one of us calls or writes, normally its me. This time I can't. I have to stay away for my own sake! (which isn't going to be easy since we live a mile apart and our worlds are directly in each others paths.)(note to self- find another Kroger and a new pharmacy)
The thing is, while I doubt this thing with the other woman can last forever, it may last weeks or even years, but eventually he'll be back. He always comes back. Has for 30 years. I just can't be the same person I've always been when he gets here.
But first, before I can heal I have to make it through the weekend, but how???
Its killing me and I hate feeling like this!
Anyone have any ideas? Anyone in the same boat want to IM this weekend to keep each other on track?
Patti
on day 3 NC

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You are wonderful! I can't believe he called so soon. Waaay too soon. Must be wanting to turn the knife a little, or perhaps poor salt in the wound.
I had a cowrker/friend read my Breakup Contract earlier today and watch me sign it. So I went to her office and had her delete the message. If its really important, say a death in the family, someone else will let me know or they'll be an email. Nothing good can come from a call this early on.
Sorry you don't have a puter at home. It would have been nice to chat, but we'll catch up on Monday. Right now I need to pick my son up from school, settle my self down and see if I can take the time to really enjoy what you wrote. I will. I thank you and I am very grateful.
You got me through a sticky spot. I hope to return the favor.
I'm in Tennessee.
But I'm from Kentucky.
Suthern grls rock!
Thanks for checking in! I had a friend erase the message before I could even listen to it.
He was either being sweet or ugly and either way it would have set me back.
I worked Saturday morning, had a good cry Saturday afternoon. I actually got some rest Saturday night. Sunday I went about my bidness as usual, errands, grocery, that sort of thing. I changed my routine to eliminate the chance of running into him. I drove the long way to the store, the short way takes me past his house. I left later than usual so I wouldn't run into him leaving his favorite Sunday brunch spot whith her. I was determined not to see him, particularly with her.
I haven't really had the urge to talk to him or email him, until this morning. This morning I really hate him. Grieving step number whatever. I'm dying to tell him what a butthead I think he is. But I won't. I will maintain my dignity. He can't have that.
How was your weekend?
I am sooooooooooo proud of you. Congratulations on deleting his voicemail and not even listening to it. Very smart of you. You are right too. Either way, no matter what he said, whether it was nice or not, it wouldn't have made you happy. You wouldn't be satisfied with any thing he says right now because he is a butthead.
I take it that you both never lived together before? You said that you've been friends all of your lives...loves sometimes.... What does that mean? Were you ever an item, like a couple, like boyfriend & girlfriend, or what? Does he have kids of his own? Has he ever been married before? Has your son met him and if he has what does he think of him? Does he like him? Tell me your history with this man. When did you met? How did you become friends? Why haven't you 2 gotten married or did you guys even discuss that stuff?
How did you two 'break up'? Did he just start seeing another woman or what? I kind a confused.
My weekend was really good. Had my bf's 5 yr old this weekend. Had my sister & her bf over last night to play cards. That was a lot of fun. My bf/Mitch bbqed some pork stks, we had baked beans, and baked potatoes too.
I am having one hell of a Monday today at work...the confusion! We just put a new security alarm system in and all of the employees have to wear new I.D. badges to get in the doors and it's crazy crazy crazy here today... My bf's 37th birthday is tomorrow and our 3yr anninversay is on the 18th, this Friday... So we will proably go out to eat and to go sing karaoke at our favorite tavern this weekend. I am looking forward to it. It should be a lot of fun.
Yes, don't tell him what a butthead he is being, he all ready knows that he is a big jerk. It will only satifsy him in an unhealthy/sick way, and then he will know that he has succeeded in what he set out to do, which was to hurt you. Don't give him the satisfaction of that. If you do see him, run into him, or happen to talk to him for any reason, just Be Strong. Act like you are soooooo over him, act like you are not hurting At All, and make sure and let him know that you are just fine without him...and (maybe) your intention of dating soon too! Well, see how the butthead likes that one....LOL
This is a very long story... I met him at summer camp when I was 14. We fell in love on the day we met. He was my first love. He lived far away, so we dated as much as we could over the next few years. He'd hitchhike to see me, show up on my doorstep, rose in hand. But eventually the distance got the better of us so we ended it as friends.
We went to college in the same town, dated a little,were lovers some, but then became very good friends. I remember the day he met his wife, he came to me to tell me about her. Through the years he has always sought me out, after a break up, when he needed someone to talk to, that sort of thing. We both married other people and I didn't see him for over 18 years when we both divorced. I know his family, have know his older brothers long than I've known him. When I found out he was divorced I knew he'd call...and he did.
We began dating and soon we were back to being in love again and back to being far apart, nearly 200 miles. We spent any time we could manage together either alone or with our kids, we each have one son. It was wonderful until I brought up marriage, big mistake. (In retrospect it was too soon after his divorce and at the end of the day something I really don't think I want with him or anyone else, nor does he.) I was hurt by his reaction, not by his reluctance to talk about it, but by his words. I broke up with him.
He continued to send love notes, called occasionally. I wrote long mournful letters declairing my love back. Wept alot, was depressed and nearly inconsolable. In the meantime I had been looking for a job for a couple of years because my ex quit paying child support and I needed money. Well, I got a call from a university not 3 miles from his house. I had not applied for this job, they called me out of the blue and offered me bunches more money. We were still broken up, , so I felt pretty good about the decision, knowing that it was based on what was best for me and my son. (hindsight says it was the right thing to do, my son has flourished here and landed a scholarship to a wonderful private school. None of that would have happened if I hadn't moved)
So, during the breakup period, I found out that he had a girlfriend. I was devestated.
How could he replace me so quickly? One of his brothers made a little slip about seeing her and it would have been *before* we broke up! He had been lining up my replacement, seeing this other girl before we broke up! I was even more crushed.
I was terrible, wimpy, calling for made up reasons, clingly, whiney...then I backed off.
And he'd call. Eventually he landed back on my doorstep and I welcomed him with open arms.
But we never discussed his cheating. I let it fester. Bad idea. Over the next few years we both suffered some terrible life events. I, already not trusting him, began to feel powerless. (something I have just realized)
stay tuned for the rest of the story....
A little more background...
Now, you may think I'm crazy, but I promise this is true. He and I have always had this connection. We call it the "force" jokingly. I used to know if he were in town, I could feel it, even if I hadn't seen him in years. He used to know when I needed a friend to talk to and he'd just show up. We kind of sense each other, if that doesn't sound too odd. I promise I'm not crazy, we just seem to be very in tune with each other. No matter what we do we can't seem to make that stop. That is how I knew it was safe to go shopping in our neighborhood store. I couldn't *feel* him there.
We can ignore it, but its there. For example, I had a nightmare during the first break up, and wanted to call him. It was a terrible dream about him, turns out that was the night he slept with her the first time.
We are bound, he and I.
I understand what you are saying. My bf and I also share 'the force' that you speak of. I do not think that you are crazy at all.
BUT BUT BUT he broke the freakin' force by his actions, by his words, and by his cheating on you, breaking your trust.
I know that you don't realize this yet...you may never realize it...but he is not even a good Friend to you...and an even worse boyfriend...
you should love yourself enough to stay out of this unhealthy relationship...you deserve someone better....someone who loves you...someone who would never lie to you....never cheat on you....lived closer...made you the priority in their life...respect you (which he so obviously doesn't)..
This is going to be harsh. But you are ENABLING him to behave this way to you, Each AND Every time you take him back Again and Again...
WHY on earth should he want to change or try to change at all...when he all ready KNOWS that he Can AND Will take advantage of you Each and Every Time and that you will not only let him...but open your arms, your bed, your heart, and your life right back up to him? AND he KNOWS that he doesn't deserve it either.
But if you don't expect him to change...then he won't. He knows that he doesn't have too. It's a very unhealthy, self destructive, and self sabotaging way to live life...a vicious cycle...that's up to you to break...(he won't break this cycle because he doesn't want too, he knows that he's got a good Set UP with you)....
Now, the rest of the story. The hard part that calls for introspection.
We never really resolved any of the issues from the first break up. Things kept happening in our lives that would interupt the healing process. I was terribly insecure and felt that he could live without me so easily. I never really got over the first break up. He on the other hand, never apologized. He is a man who gives qualified apologies, I'm sorry for how I made you feel but not for what I did. He won't argue, says he had enough of that in his marriage and he is never wrong. These are things I've know about him and really, never really bothered me. But somethings happened outside the relationship that left me feeling beaten up and defeated. For the first time in my life I felt powerless and defeated.
Over the last two years I have been working 60 to 70 hour weeks, and being mom. That left little time for him. I was so emotionally wiped out that I would often not pick up his calls. Still, he has a habit of going out of town without letting me know or getting involved in a project and not calling for days. Or when his brother came to visit and he didn't even let me know. Remember now, I've known his brothers longer than I've known him. Or he'd invote me to do something, I'd ask for time off work and make arrangements for my son and then he'd never mention it again until after the event.
We've spent the last two years doing this little dance, and the longer it went on the more insecure I became and the more powerless I felt. Did I talk to him about it? Nope. Did he complain? Yep? Alot, so I knew that he was thinking about dating, saying he loved me but was tired of being lonely. I begged him to hang on until I could do something about the job. He said I was drowning, but he just watched and never once offered to throw me a rope. And he's been depressed too, clinically I think, after several friendship and business failures over the last few years as well. We haven't been there for each other and in fact, seemed to have spent alot of time pushing each other away.
He'd been complaining that he hadn't seen my car in his driveway enough, so a week ago Friday I slipped in while I knew he was out, made a little romantic evening for us and he never came home. She dropped him off at 6am, I know because I was standing there when she did, in my bathrobe pacing on his deck.
We agreed to talk a week ago today. I went to his house, we talked about general stuff for a couple of hours. When the conversation lagged finally I said what we have always said to each other "tell me something good". He said "I had a date with this girl"...
He said he was happy and that he wanted to see her again. I can't blame him really, but what he did was wrong. I begged him to tell me if he felt the need to date, he didn't. He lied to me, dishonored our friendship and lied to the girl he was dating. And his tone changed so much since Saturday morning (when he said he wouldn't quit me). He said he'd been talking to (then stopped before he said their name) and they said I had invaded his privacy, which is absurd. He'd been begging for me to come over and surprise him and I've done it before. But something had changed and he was different. He was mean. And to let me go on for several hours before telling me, well that was just cruel. He said I wasn't his girlfriend anymore, I cried, rambled, got my stuff and left. He said he was sorry I was hurt, but that he wasn't sorry for what he did, I would always be a part of his life, best friend he'd ever have, bound together yadayadayada
Tueday morninng I took him a lacrosse stick my son had borrowed because I knew he needed to return it that day. I told him that we hadn't been there for each other, that we should have taken the time to resolve some of the old issues. I apologized for my part, said I hadn't been there for him and that I had let my own insecurities stand in the way.
I then told him that he owed me an apology and not a qualified one either, a genuine "I was wrong and I treated you badly" apology just like I had given him. I told him I had nothing to say to him until he could do that.
My son is sad, but not too much. Because I've been so insecure I managed to keep them apart so my son wouldn't get hurt.
So, thats the short version of a really long and detailed 30 year saga. Sorry you asked?
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