How can I survive the weekend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
How can I survive the weekend?
42
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:10pm

I know he will be with her this weekend. He'll bring her flowers, he'll whisper sweet nothings, shower her with affection.

After one date he chose her. After one date. He said I'd "complicate" things and that she made him happy. (News flash butthead--you're making her responsible for your happiness. Think she'll fill up that gaping hole? Nope)

He's been depressed for a while, since he lost his high profile job in a high profile industry. Over the past few years his depression has only worsened following a series of business and friendship failures, all caused by his pride and ego. He's never wrong. Or at least he's never admitted as much. Says I haven't been available to him and he's right in a way. I've been struggling too, with a way too demanding job and a teenage son who needs my attention and the money I make at this crappy job to pay what his scholarship doesn't cover for the best private school in the state. I haven't been there for him, he hasn't been there for me. He's hidden in his house and I got scared and backed off, leaving him alone too much. He's having a midlife crisis and she's his little red sports car. I should hate him, forget about him and move on.

But I can't. We've been friends our entire lives, lovers sometimes, but always friends.
I know now I can't have him in my life anymore. But how do I do that? He's always been in my world, one way or another. I know his family, knew his brothers before I knew him. And his father. Have friendships I developed with each that are independent of him and each other. For heavens sake his father has been sending me Christmas gifts for years, even while my ex and I were married to other people! I can't remember when I didn't have him in my life! But I feel like I'm his transistion girl, something to do until someone better comes along. He says we are bound together forever. How in Gods name can I break that bond? It is a strong tie, emotionally, mentally, physically. We have never been able to break it. We always end up back in each others arms. We stay in each others hearts.

And tonight he'll be making love to someone else. Maybe not physically, but with his heart. And I'll be heart broken thinking about it. The worst thing is I know he'll be back, he'll call or email a week fron now or a year from now. Or worse, he'll just show up. And then I'll never heal. I'll never get over him. Usually one of us calls or writes, normally its me. This time I can't. I have to stay away for my own sake! (which isn't going to be easy since we live a mile apart and our worlds are directly in each others paths.)(note to self- find another Kroger and a new pharmacy)

The thing is, while I doubt this thing with the other woman can last forever, it may last weeks or even years, but eventually he'll be back. He always comes back. Has for 30 years. I just can't be the same person I've always been when he gets here.

But first, before I can heal I have to make it through the weekend, but how???

Its killing me and I hate feeling like this!

Anyone have any ideas? Anyone in the same boat want to IM this weekend to keep each other on track?

Patti
on day 3 NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 1:58pm

You are so right. I have been enabling him, feeding his depression too. And mine.
But I also haven't been great to him either. I would go days, sometimes even weeks without returning his calls. I could have stood up for myself at work too, demanded more time off, but I didn't because I was afraid. I've been running on fear for 2 years.

I have to get my self esteem back and stop feeling powerless and get back to the strong independent woman that I used to be. I let certain situations in my life overcome me, not just him, but many others too. This is not who I am, not the kind of person I want to be.

I can't stand up for myself just yet, with him or anyone else. I need to take the time to get myself together. That is why I can't call that man. Problem is, he will call me again, and if I don't answer eventually he'll show up. And I have to be ready. We live in the same town now, have for about 5 years, so it is difficult to hide from him, heaven knows I tried. So I have to be ready. Even if I'm really not, I'm going to appear to be moving on and on my way to getting on with my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:32pm

CHOOSE not to live in fear. CHOOSE to have self confidence and self esteem. Time will not give you those things. You have to choose to give them to yourself. Why are you hiding from him? Eventually, you are right. I'm sure he will come to you. You have to face him and tell him the truth eventually. What is your truth? What do you plan on telling him? Don't be afraid of his call. Let him call. Him calling you isn't hurting you any. I do suggest Not calling him though. Don't give him the time of day. He doesn't deserve it anyway.

What does running on fear for the last 2 years mean? How so?

He can only hurt you if you CHOOSE to let him hurt you. CHOOSE not to let him hurt you anymore. You all ready do have the Power. You've always had it. Choose to enpower you power and use it. No one can make you powerless except yourself.

Yes, you can too stand up for yourself.
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you aren't going to cave in again are you and take him back again are you? You can't or else you will never heal and you know that right? You need someone healthy in your life and That Man isn't such a person.

Think about this. Think about your son. He gets to see how this man, controls you, manipulates you, depresses you, and continually hurts you over and over and over again. And you tell your own son, as well as That Man, as well as yourself that it is Okay for him to do this to you. You need to start setting a healthy example for your son what a relationship is supposed to be like. He loves you, learns from you, hears, sees, and observes everything about you, your life, and how it affect him. You life does affect it whether you realize it or not.

Now having said all of that, I apologize if it was harsh. I only want to support you. I only want to encourage you. I only want to help you. I consider you my posting friend all ready. And I wish you the very best to come out of all of this in the end. I am rooting for you. I know that you can do this. Some time off is proabably a good idea. Counseling also could be good, or some therapy...so that you can try and figure out why you've put up with being disrespected for so long from this stupid man. Good Luck! :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 3:59pm

A few things have happened that in combination caused me to be afraid to speak my mind, to stand up for myself, to do anything that might rock the boat. I suffered some serious blows to my self esteem and ego, not to mention my pocket book. The ex b/f had nothing to do with these circumstances, most was leftover divorce stuff and work. I had to learn to shut up and take it to survive so that I could continue to support my son and me. None of that had anything to do with my my ex b/f, but it certainly did affect my relationship with him.

Come to think of it, I wonder if I was waiting for him to "rescue" me? Hmmm, maybe so? Which is totally out of character for me, I have always rescued myself thankyouverymuch!

I also wonder if I so strongly believed that he would do this again that it became some sort of self fufilling prophecy?

At any rate, it will take a little time for me to undo the damage that has been done. I am not strong enough to choose not to let him hurt me yet. I've been playing some bad tapes in my head for quite some time, the message isn't so easily changed. But I can change it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 4:04pm

do you mind me asking what happened with you and your exhusband? It sounds like he did a big number on you.

i appreciate you taking what i say with a little grain of salt. I don't prented to know it all. I'm full of my own issues & problems also. I am imperfectly perfect just like the rest of humankind. I make mistakes too. Thank god. How boring would it be to be perfect???? lol

Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:26pm
How are you doing today autherngrl? Is everything okay? I worry about you... keep in touch when you get a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:35pm

Budget time at work, so we're crunching numbers. Tough to concentrate but when I finally get my mind where it needs to be I feel so much better. We've had a lull here for a few days and thats made it tough. I am glad for the distraction!

I feel a little better each day, but still bummed. And I feel myself starting to backslide and feel sorry or him sometimes. When that happens I just remember him pulling up to his house, her driving or I remember some of the nasty things he said when we broke up. Stings for a minute but sure does erase any sympathy I have for him!

Thanks for thinking about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:45pm

It sounds like you are on the road to recovery! Yeah for Sutherngrl!!! I'm so proud of you. You are using a great stragedy for yourself getting over him too.

Yeah, my ex (not a real winner either), with him, I had to do the very same thing that you are doing right now. And that is, keep reminding myself of the WHY I broke up with him. He cheated, lied, did drugs, and had 2 children w/2 different women whom he never saw (but did pay child support for) the entire YEAR we were together. Oh, and did I mention he has a crazy psycho exgf who constantly harassed us too? LOL (I picked a bad one that time...ha ha)

Even after all of that...sometimes the doubts would creep in...I would either feel sorry for him for a minute...or try and justify to myself his bad behavior towards me...

Truth be told...(you're really going to kill me now)...(you are making me eat my words right now)...I actually tried to beg him back for 6 months after I broke up with him....(stupid, I know)...but now...I thank my lucky stars every single day that I broke up with him...that he was such a big jerk off...AND that he never took me back.

The bad part is...I think I've maybe run into him 3x's in the last 3 years (he happened to show up at a couple of bars that me and my now bf hang out at)....and I am Still attracted to that damn man! Oh, well....I guess you just can't control the hormones sometimes....lol

Hang in there. You are doing great! :+)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:41pm

I know what you mean. That is why I am being so careful to avoid him. The mind is willing but the flesh is weak. Of course, my guess is that he's happily otherwise preoccupied by his latest victim. I doubt I'll hear from him again soon.

I think it is sort o a "devil you know" situation sometimes. You know exactly what you're getting and what you're in for.

Do you want to know what the hardest part is right now? 5 years ago during our last break up I was writing him long emails and sending cards and waiting by the phone. I was totally pathetic. This time I have no intention of doing anything of the sort. I am going to be the Queen of NC! Whats killing me is that he doesn't know that! I want him to know that I'm choosing not to call him because I'm choosing to get over him. I don't want him to think I'm not calling because I've taken to my bed crying over him.

It would be so much more enjoyable if he knew.

Is that wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:49pm

No, it's not wrong. But you're assumeing something here...that he actually cares one way or the other...and he doesn't care at all. Look at what he did to you... His actions speak lounder than anything he could ever say to hurt you and he's all ready done that too. He just sucks all the way around. He is evil. Not to mention dumb. HA!

Why don't you treat yourself to a night out soon? Don't you think that you deserve it? Do you even drink alcohol? Dance? Sing karaoke? Got a best friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 3:59pm

No, he'd care. He'd care because he's got so much ego. Remember, its all about him.
That is a fact.

I've not really had time to develop many friendships here. My free time is all either spent being mom or his girlfriend. I haven't really sought any close friendships out since I would have very little time to maintain them.

My 14 year old is getting ready for finals, he needs to make a good showing. His school year is over the end of this month. He'll go to visit family for a couple of weeks before his summer activities start. I'll have some free time then. I talked to one of my friends/coworkers and she and I are going to go hit the town. I haven't done that in a million years. Should be very interesting!