How can the "right thing" hurts SO much?
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| Wed, 12-07-2005 - 6:53pm |
Hello group:
I just found this site and this board today, and I really feel like it was meant to be. The timing was too perfect for it to be "accidental".
What is it about doing the right thing and then regretting it?
I recently walked out on my husband of 10 years. We got married when I was 17 and he was 42, and the stupidity just continued from there :-) It was a long, rocky, and incredibly abusive marriage, and yet I'm scared to death of being on my own right now.
I'm constantly tempted to go running back to him because of the security that he represents, but every time we even mention reconciling, he starts in with the same aggressive talking and threatening me. He's convinced (and I can't say I disagree with him) that I can't make it on my own.
My little girl and I are living in a studio apartment, eating rice and hot dogs for dinner while I work as a receptionist. I've enrolled in school and recently found out that I was approved for fiancial aide. (YAAY!!) Meanwhile he sits in our 5 bedroom house, content to do well while I struggle - my punishment he says for leaving.
I just vary between moments of absolute strength and determination to waiting until my daughter falls asleep so I can cry for hours on end. My ex can be so cruel. I've petitioned the DA's office to get him to pay child support, but presently he refuses to help me at all. I begged...absolutely BEGGED him for $100 for gas so I could get to work and school and buy some groceries, and he basically told me that I could have $60, but that I'd have to "earn it". I hate to admit that I did what he wanted me to - made myself into a whore for $60, but I couldn't see another way, and I just rationalized that we're still married, so it's not *completely* like prostitution.
Basically I just wanted someplace to get all of this off my chest with people who are experiencing the same hurts and doubts and fears that I am.
I'll continue to read the awesome posts here, and try to gain strength from you guys.
I'm just glad we all have a place like this to help one another! :-)

Oh my gosh, what story. First of all, GOOD FOR YOU for leaving...I can only imagine how much courage that took. And look at you...you are taking the first steps towards independence. That's fantastic.
Is there a YWCA in your area or some other program for women and children who have been subject to abuse? Perhaps you would qualify for some assistance while you're waiting to get the child support you are due. Anything would be better than having to do what he wants. I'm so, so sorry you felt you had no choice. Also, look for a program that has counseling and/or support groups for women in your shoes. They are out there. Have you posted on the DV board? I know they have some resource telephone numbers (800 numbers)there. Here's a link to the board.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
Please, keep us posted on how you are doing.
Sheri
Hi Chaylee girl,
I'm so impressed that you made this decision for yourself and your daughter. I know that things don't seem good right now and I can see why you're tempted to return, but don't! You did the right thing and everything will improve. You have done everything the right way--you've got a place to live, you're going to school, you're trying to get child support (and how he can sit there and refuse to pay is just beyond me). Don't beat yourself up about what you had to do to get some money from him. It was what you felt you had to do at the time and he's a complete a*hole for forcing you into that situation. Keep on the path that you've set out for yourself!
Your best "revenge", if you want to call it that will be to make it on your own. It may not happen as soon as you want it to, but keep trying and someday you will be able to show him how wrong he was.
Stay strong!
Laura
You are saving your life and that of the child in your life.
Please call your child's counselor and discreetly let them know so at school, they can keep an eye on her/him. Also ask if they have a holiday fund to help you at Christmas. Don't worry..u will give back in life tenfold but NOW you need help.
Where is your family/friend network. Call the local women's abuse center to see what you qualify for..DO NOT GO TO THIS MAN FOR A PENNY.
A big hug to you for your bravery...
I have been where you are at now, 7 years ago and the one thing I can say is hang in there. I was with my ex when I was also 17 and he was 28. It too was an abusive relationship. I know you are scared because of the security you had with him. My ex controlled my life but people like that are the most insecure people. Be strong for you and your daughter and trust me things will get better slowley. Believe in yourself, you will make it and you will look back like I did and relized you made a wise decision. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her.
Hey chaylee,
I am so sorry for what you're going through. When I read your post it threw me back in my seat. I thought my husband was bad, but yours takes the cake. Don't ever go back to that. It's strange how the people we love (and thought loved us) can treat us like that, and why we stay and put up with it for so long. I know how you feel. Just remember your better than that and you'll be proving to him that you don't need him. You don't regret leaving him you just miss the man you fell in love with years ago. I really hope you divorce this man and get what you (and your daughter) are entitled to. As agressive as he sounds, I hope he doesn't know where you are. If he does, I hope you have some kind of protection and 911 on your speed dial. I will be thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Keep your head up girl. It will get better.
I just wanted to write and thank everyone for their super supportive messages.
Hopefully you didn't think I was snubbing the board by how long it took me to reply - I only have PC access at work, so it's kinda hard.
I know a lot of people stressed the importance of me not going back to my husband, and I want to assure you that I in no way intend to do that. When I broke down and asked him for money it was because I had absolutely no other way to get it.
My parents are very old world old school, and there is no way they will help me. They see him as "a wonderful man that I'm putting through hell right now". That was what my mom said to me because my husband has been going to them and whinning that he doesn't understand why I'm doing this. He even told them that he suspected I was sleeping with another man (something that is ABSOLUTELY not true, and he knows it).
I've pretty much known that parental help wasn't going to be a reality when he punched me me the first time and I left and ran to my parents house, told my mom what had happened, and she said to me: "What did you do to make him hit you?" She told me to go and apologize, and that I couldn't stay with them. This is the kind of "support system" I'm dealing with.
It's beyond me how he can see his own 6 year old daughter doing without, and no help her just to punish me. He doesn't know where I'm staying and I get paranoid when I pick up my girl after school, trying to be sure he's not following me...it's a crappy way to live, but there is something about having my own place - even a tiny studio - and feeling safe and not worrying about getting beaten up for the stupidest things. My daughter is only getting one little present for Christmas this year, but somehow that's okay because she's getting a bigger gift, which is not sitting in the corner and crying her eyes out while daddy punches mommy in the face and bounces her off of walls. I feel good about giving her that.
Well, now that I've written a novel, I guess I'll wrap this up..LOL
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who was kind and sweet enough to send me prayers, hugs, and encouragement.
Thanks again!
Chay
Hi chaylee,
I'm so sorry that your parents aren't supportive. That's terrible! But it just shows how truly strong you are that you are able to do this without their help. You are doing the absolute best thing for your daughter. Her best Christmas present for this year and years to come will be a mother who is strong and independant and who loves her above all. The fact that her father does things to hurt her just to get at you shows what a cowardly man he is.
I hope that you have some friends that you can turn to for support, but if not, you know that you have the people on this board. You will also cultivate new friendships in "real life" and I'm sure that you will find support from people who have been in situations similar to yours. Have you looked into any support groups in your area?
Stay strong! You're doing great!
Laura
Your post seemed not as blue, than the original, so I hope your feeling a little better. I'm sorry to hear that your parents aren't much support. They're supposed to be the ones you can always depend on, but thats just not the case for some people I guess. I hope they didn't make you feel worse after what they've said. I suppose too that depending on your parents age, you'll never be able to change their minds and not bother even trying. It really sounds like your ex is very manipulative and loves mind games. I really don't like this man. Just remember that you can't let him win. And you don't have to explain why you did what you had to do, you know. You do what you have to to survive. It was for you and your daughter, but you ended up hurt because of it. But your pride will heal with time as well. And your right, looking over your shoulder is a terrible way to live. I find it doing it myself sometimes. Xmas time sucks for everyone here, but we should all be more thankful for what we have instead of what we don't have. Anyway, I hope you are sleeping well, I'm sure your daughter is already. Have a good one chaylee.