how can they just walk away?
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how can they just walk away?
| Sun, 02-11-2007 - 2:40pm |
I posted a message a few days ago..i had an intense 7 month long distance relationship..although saw each other every weekend or every other..I was pregnant..very emotional and physically draining miscarraige happended beginning of november..he broke up with me early jan..said just wasnt working...had nc for 6 weeks..he hasnt even tried to call to see how i am..it was an intense relationship//he is 38..never been married..no kids..i had heard from other people he had commitment issues..he is kinda a loner..would usually break up with people after six months if he felt there was no future..why didnt i listen and not get involved??? i keep replaying things in my head on what i should have done differently..i should have moved up there when he wanted me to.. he said his feelings changed..didnt want me up there anymore..i basically had a chance and blew it..i have been strong and not called him..i just guess i thought he would call to see how i was..or call to try to work things out..if a man cares he will do what it takes to be with you..especially after everything we went through together..he just walked away..i feel horrible..no phone call..nothing..i feel i cant move on..its like he has just dissapeared from me..with no feelings..the only thing i feel good about is not trying to contact him even once..so maybe he is wondering why i can just leave him alone as well.....and maybe he was just sticking around during the pregnancy and after misscarr..gave it a few months and got out while he could???? any thoughts would help me so much..advice...i dont understand how men can just walk away after going thru so much with someone???

I definitely do that--play scenarios out in my head where he calls or wants me back months from now and I've already moved on. I don't know why we do this, I guess like you said, we want some regret on their part. I think more than anything, though, more than an apology or regret, I just want him to want me back because it would validate the way I am feeling and the thoughts and hopes I had for the relationship.
You mentioned you should have moved up there when you had the chance and that maybe you blew it by not doing so. Don't think that. You didn't blow it. That was probably--unbeknownst to you at the time--the smartest decision you made in this relationship. You have to believe the same thing would have happened, maybe on a different timetable, but it would have happened. If you had made that sacrifice and relocated, you'd be all alone there, he still would have left.
My relationship ended right before the holidays without warning. And for weeks and months now, I've gone over details in my head, filling myself with regret for all the things I might have done to contribute to his decision to end it, thinking of all the things I could have done that would have prevented this end. But I am now realizing that he would have ended it still. He made this decision on his own without giving our relationship a chance to be better. I would have tried and he knows this, I was not done trying but he was. Like you, looking back, I can see warnings of this behavior in his explanations of his previous breakups--I don't know why it didn't occur to me it'd happen to me, too!
After everything you went through during this relationship (I'm thinking of the miscarriage here, but there might have been other things, too), he should have given it a chance instead of cutting and running when things all of a sudden didn't excite him as much anymore. (I feel much the same about my own--I deserved a chance.) The fact that he didn't give you one really shows that he is not someone you want to be involved with. Thinking longterm, there are going to be hardships, problems, stresses, good times, bad times, times of excitement and sparks, and times when things don't feel so alive. If you are going to contribute efforts to a relationship, it needs to be with someone who can stay through all of these stages. Commitment phobes, of course, cannot. But it doesn't make it hurt any less, I know that all too well!!!
Sorry for your loss bellaa_31, miscarriages are very difficult.
We all feel the same way...we wonder what WE did wrong and how WE could have changed things. It really sucks and it hurts and at times we feel like we can't move on. Trust me I know. I feel like I do pretty well emotionally then all of the sudden something happens or I hear a song on the radio and I start to cry. My family and friends have been real supportive but I think that I need to make me stong and that is something I need to do myself. My ex (broken up since New Years) is already seeing someone else and it breaks my heart. We'd been together for 7 yrs (living together for 4 1/2) and he decided it was over, I really didn't see it coming, not like this.
I read the book "it's called a break up b/c its broken" and I really truely enjoyed it. Yes it is a funny but and it's supposed tomake you laugh but there is a lot of good info in there too. Things that have happened to you that you didn't realize and then you read some parts and you thank god that you've not that crazy (that made me feel pretty good)