How can things go from perfect to horrible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011
How can things go from perfect to horrible?
7
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 9:52am
As the story goes, in the beginning things were great. The way he acted around me was perfect and he seemed to be everything I wanted in a guy. He's 25 and im 20, which already i understand might be a red flag because we are at different stages of life. We've been dating for a year now and that "honeymoon stage" no longer exists. But it's not just the butterflies that we lost.
It all started when He went to chicago for 5 days to see some friends. When he came back, i had his house cleaned, dishes washed, turtle fed, and even bought him a new shirt. Never got one thank you...even after not seeing me for 5 days, he wasn't in the mood to see me. As it turns out he had slipped into a stage of depression which tortured me for 2 months because we didn't speak and he didn't want my help. He was having an "identity crisis" and said he was not happy with where he was at in his life.
After 2 months, that all went away but we haven't been as close ever since. time went on he became less and less affectionate, didn't like being kissed or kissing often, I even had to be "the big spoon" in bed. As much as these things frustrated me, I never lost my love for him yet I haven't heard "I love you" since Christmas, he was not as thoughtful or considerate about anything. I play college softball and he didn't even come to a single game of mine. I broke up with him last week when once again he was in Chicago and wasn't bothering to contact me hardly at all. I tried so Many times to discuss these problems but everytime he said "i don't want to deal with that right now" the choice seems right to end the relationship but he was my best friend and if only he could understand and be the way he used to be, this wouldn't have to happen. And if he appoligized, I think I would still take him back. Is that a bad idea?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 4:19pm
What ever you do stay in college and don't quit softball over a guy. You will regret it later. I think you need to give him space and not contact him for awhile until he reaches out to you and let you in. Let him know you are there for him when he needs you and don't pressure him because that might make it worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011
Mon, 05-30-2011 - 5:49pm
Thanks. And i wouldn't dream of dropping any of my own aspirations over a guy. I think I'm gonna aim to give him at least a month of no contact. It's going to suck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 10:50am

You broke up with him, which was the last resort because you had nothing else you could do. You tried all you could. It would be erroneous to think he doesn't know why this relationship went south.

"If only he would..." is a statement many of us have made when a relationship has just ended, or is on the verge of ending. When a relationship gets to that point, it is essentially over. A human being (even a male) is not so unaware that he just doesn't know what he could or should do to keep a relationship afloat. The problem is that he knows what needs to be done, he just can't or won't do it. And you can't force him to. The problem with "If only he would..." is the fact that you have to get over this kind of thinking in order to accept that you cannot change him or force him into doing what needs to be done. You have put in all the effort you can, and should, and received nothing in return.

An apology wouldn't mean anything. He could be sorry and still not treat you the way you deserve. You're looking for ways to get back together with someone who doesn't care for you as much as you care for him, and who cannot give you a good relationship.

The breakup was the right decision, don't look back. This man cannot ever bring you happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:42am
" if only he could understand and be the way he used to be, this wouldn't have to happen. And if he appoligized, I think I would still take him back. Is that a bad idea? " How would it sound if I said , " If only you would stop trying to change him or wishing he would change ? " ITs ABSURD !

Of course its a bad idea.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 5:01pm
Stick with the breakup. You gave him a ton of chances, you tried plenty of times to discuss things with him, to make it better, and still he couldn't be bothered enough to "deal with this."

If he apologizes, don't take him back. To be truthful, based on what you described of his behavior, I don't think he wants to come back anyway. I know that's painful to think about, but it looks like he checked out back during the first Chicago visit.

Listen, the truth is that you don't need to be with someone who doesn't appreciate the little thigns you do for them, who doesn't show their support for you, who doesn't show affection for you.

Wishing someone to "go back to who they were" is denying who they are and who they've become. If he had remained a thoughtful, loving boyfriend of course you wouldn't have had to breakup. Problem is, he's no longer that way with you and doesn't seem to show an interest in going back to that. So take your dignity and your well-intentioned heart and save it for someone who will appreciate you.

Good luck,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2011
Fri, 06-03-2011 - 7:29pm
Thank you. I'm aware of all these things and deep down that is why I broke up with him, I just have to remind myself everyday. Thanks for taking the time to write advice! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 06-04-2011 - 2:42pm

In the beginning, things are ALWAYS great.