How to cope working with ex bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
How to cope working with ex bf?
7
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 5:21pm

Hello everyone,

I have just joined this discussion group in search of advice. My ex bf broke up with me about eight months ago. We have been working together for about three years now and I guess we will continue to do so unless one of us leaves. Now I know what everyone will say - quit my job. It isn't as simple as that as I am contracted to stay there until end of the year (with severe consequences professionally if I don't), at which point I will be able to move. Meanwhile though, I have to try and cope working with him.

Everyday is stressful. We went through two months without speaking to one another (I told him I needed space) and with everyone in office working hard to help us maintain non-speaking terms by making sure we never really had to work with one another directly. Then once I felt a bit more ready, I started speaking to him again. We even managed to go out for lunch a couple of times. Gradually, as the months went by, everything got back to normal between us. Initially, I felt certain about how I felt and what I was doing - I was sure all that I wanted to do was to make a go of being pleasant while I still had to work with my ex.

However, as the months went by, he really demonstrated he wanted to be my friend. I suffered a few setbacks in my career and each time, he volunteered to be there for me. So now, we are practially best friends.

A few weeks ago, another colleague of mine had a chat with my ex to say that he felt I was still hoping to get back together with him. The same person said to me the same week that he felt my ex was being greedy - playing the friend card to keep me hanging there. Anyway, long story cut short, my ex reacted, and so did I. He became more distant and as a consequence, I realised fully that I was still very much attached to him. I expect to hear from him on a daily basis... either through mobile messages, emails... I expect him to be there. Like nothing had changed. Because I felt he'd grown a bit distant, I confronted him and he basically said his honest intention is just to be my friend.

I want to get out of this bad habit that stresses me out on a daily basis and my heart just keeps breaking but I don't know what to do. I can't really tell him again that I have to ignore him for as long as it takes... we work together for crying out loud! Plus, I feel he is so genuine about our friendship that I feel guilty for letting him down (I know how naive and bizzarre that sounds)... I sometimes try to ignore him and it takes all my willpower to turn my phone off on the weekend so I wouldn't be tempted to contact him outside work. But Monday comes and he would email me first thing to see how I am and I feel like I'm back to square one.. not knowing whether to reply or not.

Thank you for listening to me. I can't really tell anyone (certainly not my workmates) because I feel so stupid about this... that I can't get over him.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:06pm

You need to do what you need to do. I wouldn't ignore him but yes, you CAN let him know that you need to go back to keeping all of your interaction strictly professional for the time being. I haven't had this experience myself but I've had good friends go through this, including the whole trying to be friends again too soon thing. The only thing that works is to take a step back again until you're truly ready--when you can imagine having a conversation with him about his wonderful new GF and you're not at all upset but rather happy for him.

If he's truly a friend, he will understand.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 7:00pm

Welcome to the board littlekrazykat,


You might find this useful:


Handling Breakups at Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:01am

If you are practically best friends, you should be able to talk to him about this and leverage that friendshp, even if it's to ask for more distance. I'm not sure avoiding the problem would help, though. At some point, problems need to be faced head-on. Better than hiding behind fears. I think it would be better for you to talk calmly to the man you say is your friend, as your friend, not as your ex.

I thnk the main thing is that your coworkers seem to have way too much say-so in your pesonal life. It loks from here like that busybody colleage of yours has personal intentions twards you of some type, or he's acting overly protective. Either way, he needs to mind his business.

What do you ultimately want from this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:34am

Hi there,

Thank you sincerely for your reply. Like I said I find it very difficult to talk about this. I read the advice about working with your ex in the breakup resources section.

Your question - what do you want from this - is something I actually haven't thought about. I have been so engrossed in all my feelings and his feelings and what people are saying etc that I have lost my marbles and haven't even thought what I wanted out of this. How crazy is that?

I actually know as much as I would love to have my life partner to have my ex's good qualities, my ex isn't the right one for me. I worked that out probably about 2 months after we broke up, during the time when I completely ignored his existence. I guess in the past few months that we have gradually increased our contact with one another, I have just allowed myself to grow attached to him again. Initially, I just wanted to have a normal working relationship with him. Now, my feelings towards him is everything buy normal.

Maybe its because he dumped me, and there is a part of me that can't understand or accept how he can do that when I've entertained his every whim and treated him the best I could. So that part of me just always wants to see and feel (and for the world to see) that he still cares for me. So when he started to surprise me by texting/emailing/taking me out to lunch etc, it was like a proof to myself that I am not that bad afterall. As time went by, I guess I needed that proof more and more... because I know ultimately that one day, he will settle with a serious gf and I wouldn't get his attention the say way.

I think on his part, he just sees it as a great thing that as ex's we can still hang out. The way he cares for me though - if I am not at work he would be the first to ask if I am ok, if he sees that I look unhappy in any way he would text me right after work to make sure I'm good... if I struggle with a project he would always lend me a hand. Its like he never lets me feel crap on my own. I guess I am scared to lose that.

As to talking to him about it, I'll have to psyche myself up and think it through. I tried this once a few months back - gave him an ultimatum, either promise each other we'll never get back together again or not talk to each other for a bit (I proposed 2 months), but he rejected both ideas and said they were silly. He said we both understand we have gone separate ways now and to say we won't ever get back together would be a bit drastic (and who knows what the future holds)... as to space for a bit, he said distance makes relationships/friendships worse. So obviously I didn't achieve very much with my proposals.

Thanks again for reading my post and the reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:25pm

Hi littlekrazykat,


::I tried this once a few months back - gave him an ultimatum, either promise each other we'll never get back together again or not talk to each other for a bit (I proposed 2 months), but he rejected both ideas and said they were silly. He said we both understand we have gone separate ways now and to say we won't ever get back together would be a bit drastic (and who knows what the future holds)... as to space for a bit, he said distance makes relationships/friendships worse. So obviously I didn't achieve very much with my proposals.


Sorry this is NOT about what is acceptable to him. This is about what you need to function.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:52pm

This is about more than just working with him, which is the gist I got to begin with from your first post, but the second one helps even more.


....."I have been so engrossed in all my feelings and his feelings and what people are saying etc that I have lost my marbles and haven't even thought what I wanted out of this. How crazy is that?".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 6:53pm

Hi Sandra,

You know what, you have made me think more constructively about this whole thing and helped me make more sense of it all in the last 24 hours than I have felt for the last 4 months thinking on my own! I know I keep thanking you (and I should thank everyone else who replied) but your replies and this place has really helped me and I don't know how else to convey how grateful I am!

I think what I was trying to achieve by the ultimatum a few months back was to do with fear. It was still quite soon in a way to be friends at that time and I feared that I would get stuck (like I am now). Stuck on the wrong person but unable to move on... just wasting time. I thought if we had no contact for longer I'd be more ready, and not as susceptible to old feelings of attachment towards him.

I really thought long and hard about your questions. What I want now is to feel that I am moving on, to be a free spirit instead of having to worry about his thoughts and feelings, whether our friendship is causing him problems, whether our behaviour towards one another commensurate with our status of being 'friends'... I want to stop being seen as the ex who is still hung up - I know what other people say shouldn't matter, but sometimes I think that I must still be in love with him if everyone else thinks so... maybe its obvious to everyone else but me because I just can't see it myself.

I want to move on not because I want to show or prove anything to him or anyone else. I just want to be free of this situation and be able to hold my head up high, knowing that I have handled the breakup situation with dignity and integrity. I don't want shouting or fighting or bad-mouthing the ex because we had a happy relationship and we always treated each other well.

I sometimes do wonder what it would be like if we get back together. However, and I am 100% honest, that even if we get back together we will break up again. So I know I don't want to be with him again.

Sometimes I receive text messages from him and I cry. I cry because I wish that he wouldn't be as caring and thoughtful... part of me just wish he would leave me alone. The caring person that he is makes me feel a little trapped in this situation. I am unable to say give me space because saying that to someone genuinely concerned about you seem a terrible and ungrateful thing to do. Having said that, I am so used to it now that I expect him to be there for me no matter what happens. I know it sounds contradictory in a way, and it is - I cry if he cares and if he doesn't.

My ex respects me and would not take advantage of me physically because he knows I am the type to take a kiss or anything beyond seriously. I guess the only thing that is negative is that he doesn't seem to think space is necessary for me or in our situation. I don't understand why but I gathered he is either attached to me too in a way or maybe its kind of the opposite, because he is over it he doesn't need any space.

It is so liberating to be able to tell the truth here and put everything into coherent terms instead of having them jumbled up in my head.

I feel I can breathe again!

Little Krazy Kat