How could he dump ME?
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| Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:34am |
I was recently, and rather coldly, kicked to the curb. I know I went into the relationship (or lack thereof) completely wrong. I'd known him for months, but before he asked me out, he wasn't even on my radar.
We live in the same town, but he was in college, while I have a career at a nonprofit. The frat house mentality and his player friends should've been a warning sign, but I was so completely convinced that he was different, that I let it go. He was sweet, he was interesting, and he had zero relationship experience. I could mold him, I thought! We were both virgins and I jumped into bed with him way too quickly. I then proceeded to make myself available to him ALL THE TIME, without any regard to what I wanted. Slowly, I started getting phone calls at 12am, not 6pm, asking if I wanted to hang out. Dinner dates turned into a few beers at the bar and a night in the sack. I kept telling myself (and him) that I was okay with where we were, but I wasn't. The final straw, the kick in the stomach, came last night, when he completely ignored me at a friend's party. Like an idiot, I got angry and on my way out, resorted to hitting him. It wasn't one of my finer moments. I got home, the late night text messaging started and then I finally realized that after five months, he was done with me. I'd served my purpose.
The thing that kills me about it isn't that I miss him b/c he was a great guy. He hasn't been a great guy in months. The sex was horrible. I could catalogue a list of reasons why it never should've happened in the first place, why I never should've given him the time of day. But what hurts me is not understanding why he didn't want me. I know it sounds conceited, but I am way out of his league. My friends never understood why I went out with him and even less why I kept going out with him, why I went to bed with him.
I just don't know how I can get over the disappointment and anger of being rejected by someone who should've thanked his lucky stars that I even looked in his direction.

Hi and welcome honeyleeabee,
I'm very sorry your feelings are hurt, it's never fun to go though a breakup, but count this as a blessing in disguise. It's a blessing because hopefully, when you're done getting over it, you will actually know how to create the relationship you want and that is good for you.
That hasn't been the case up to now.
Question: Just exactly what part of what you brought to the relationship table was out of his league? The jumping into bed too quick, the part were you made yourself too available to him, the part where you accepted half-baked "dates" instead of proper ones, allowing the calls turning into late night booty calls, the not speaking up for yourself when your own gut was talking to you, the part where you *hit him*? Please, tell me which of these is the behavior you want to make sure exists in your very best relationship. You molded him alright, but I'm not sure you like the Frankenstein you created.
That's probably not what you were expecting when you came here for support.
I truthfully do understand the pain and confusion you're going through, there are several posts and resources and people here who can and will help you get through that pain. I have so been where you are now, and it's not easy to let go or to feel the pain. I know you'll get help here from all of us. What I want to make sure of while you're here, and the way I happen to support people, is to hopefully help them see and learn to avoid those things that they were doing to hurt themselves in their relationships. You hurt yourself in this relationship by not setting the bar higher either for the way you condcted yourself or for the way you accepted his shabby treatment of you, and that's the real reason why you're upset and confused.
I'm betting you thought, well, if I don't ask for much, then it'll be better, it'll be easier or more relaxed, I'll be a cool chick, or he'll want to give me more. It doesn't work that way and this relationship and breakup is serving to teach you that, hopefully. Learn from this experience to speak up in your relationships and to avoid doing what doesn't work. You deserve to CREATE the very best relationship you can for your life.
Best,
Wow. That was harsh.
But it was what I needed to hear. It's what my friends and sister have been telling me for months now. It's what my inner voice has been telling me. And to know that someone who doesn't know me can see it as plain as day...wow.
I know I didn't present my best self. The person that I was with him was not me. He was so excited about spending time with me when we first started going out. But as time went on, and he cared less and less, I just thought that maybe I was doing something wrong, that maybe if I was, like you said, "the cool chick" then he'd want to hang out with me more. For some reason, the fact that he had so little respect for me and my time pushed me to make him want me more. To pretty much degrade myself to make him think I'm good enough, instead of just realizing that he wasn't good enough for me.
I'm angry at him, but I've been angry at him for months. I'm really angry at myself for allowing this to happen, for allowing myself to become that girl, for not having enough self-respect to stop hurting myself.
Now that I've realized all this, I really don't know what my next step is. We have some mutual friends and before we started going out, we hung out at the same watering hole. It's a small town and there aren't many places to go out and about, and my best friends go there a lot. But I know that he'll be there or even if he isn't, his friends will be or the people that saw me at my worst will be.
Not going would be a good thing (I'd probably lose a few pounds haha), but it's easier said than done. In a few weeks, I'll be going on vacation with my best friend (who's going through a seriously bad breakup with a long-term BF). Should just lay low until then? Is No Contact a good idea for me? And for how long?
I'm very glad you took the input I gave in the spirit it was being offered, so many times people don't want to hear that they may have also been doing things to hurt themselves in their own relationships.
Thanks again. Staying busy won't be a problem. I'm swamped at work with trying to get all my ducks in a row before I go on vacation. And this drama gives me a reason to visit some friends out of town on the weekends, to get away from town for a while. My brother's booked my Saturday nights for the next three weeks. And before I know it, I'll be on a sandy beach in Mexico, where my best friend and I have decided to rehab ourselves into the fabulous women that we know we are.
Maybe I can make a triumphant return to ye olde watering hole after Mexico. Maybe not. But when I do, I'll be better, not bitter.
Thanks again!