How to deal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
How to deal?
13
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 9:10am
So my ex broke up with me less than a month ago (after a 5 year relationship) because he wanted "freedom". He told me there was no other girl in the picture and he wanted to experience being single for a couple of years because he felt he missed out on a lot during our relationship. Well, somehow I heard a rumor that he might be seeing someone new already! I am brokenhearted all over again. He broke up with me to be single and if he's seeing someone else already, then what the heck?! I knew I'd have to deal with him dating other people, but I didn't know it would be within a month? Mutual friends have told me that the rumor is NOT true. I know I shouldn't have even asked them about it, but I just had to know. Even if it weren't true, i realized that the thought of him dating someone new will great affect me. How do you deal with your ex dating someone new?


Edited 11/28/2007 9:11 am ET by ming_88

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:14am

Hi ming_88 -

I'm sorta in the same boat. Just recently I found out that my ex - despite him telling me he's not trying to be a single guy who hooks up randomly - has been talking/seeing other girls.
I have no idea what to suggest to you ming_88. I'm trying to figure that one out myself.

I guess what I'm trying to do is say to myself - he is consciously dating other people. He is consciously creating a separation between us and whatever we may ever have in the future. Why should I wait for someone like that? Why should I allow my thoughts to be occupied by someone like that? Someone who after 2 years of being with me, after 2 years of love from me, will and can do that. Why am I letting myself think there's a future with him. I have to learn to accept that we are probably not meant to be. He is not the same person I knew.

I have to mourn for that person I knew.

I have to release myself from him and his actions and focus on myself and my healing and accept myself and realize my worth. And I would suggest that for you as well.

Good luck to you. And big hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:53am

Sorry to hear that. The rumor is either incorrect, which sounds like the case, or he was seeing her behind your back. Either way, you've eventually got to deal with the negative feelings (probably hurt, anger, betrayal, etc.). This great article will help you get started.

Getting Over A Break Up: How To Mourn, Heal, and Move On
http://www.hearts-and-kisses.com/relationshipadvice-getting-over-a-breakup.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 12:26pm

Hi ming_88,


Accepting the inevitable isn’t easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 5:10pm

hi there,


i totally understand. my ex and i were together for nine years--and we broke up about a year ago. he did the breaking, and at the time told me one of the reasons was that he "wanted to be single." as i was getting ready to move out of our apartment, i found out that he took a girl to his best friend's house in philly for the weekend. i flipped out! he claimed it was nothing. then a month later, i stumble across a picture of him kissing her on the internet. i was hysterical. now they are together.


he claims he never cheated on me (i don't know how much i believe that). but he did lie. and i can't forgive him for that. and that's so hard, because i don't want my heart full of so much hate and pain and anger. at first, i could barely get through the days, and he was already with someone? it didn't make sense. it still doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 5:28pm

Hey ming_88


I'm not yet experiencing what you are - but I'm dreading it happening. Although, it does sound to me that the rumour is not true - do you trust your mutual friends more than those that you heard the rumour from in the first place?


I don't know how we deal with hearing that our ex is dating someone new. There are probably numerous ways, remember that they are not necessarily trying to replace you, they're probably hurting as much as you are and are trying to keep busy, they want to move on with their life and need to be with someone to do that?


I know that if I had the opportunity, I probably would go out on a date and it's only been a week since me and my ex broke up, after 3 years. It doesn't mean that I don't love him any less, it just means that I'm desperately trying to do things, meet people, go out etc. to keep me busy to take my mind off him - a boost to my self-esteem too maybe?


I feel that we have to try to focus on ourselves and our positive attributes and affirmations to get through times like these. I know that, after experiencing past break-ups, things have always ended up becoming better. I think that is what is getting me through at the moment - even though it feels really, really rubbish now (Still not sure it's sunk in yet) I'm just trusting that 'it's all for a reason' and that it will work out to be the beginning of something new and better in my life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 9:10pm

I was in the same boat almost a year ago (I can hardly believe it's been that long!).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:42pm

Hello,


Sorry to hear about the pain and hurt your experiencing. It is my opinion, that why your ex is not going through and most other exes are not going through could be that they had already dislodge emotionally

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:28am
Welcome to the board Vanessa, thanks for participating.





iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 3:50pm

Just

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
In reply to: ming_88
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 8:14am

Hi Vanessa,


I think this is a great reply - thanks, helped me too!


The early emotional separation you mention is a very good point and very astute. I know that my ex had pretty much decided that it was over for us a week or two before he told me, so he probably has had time to do some of the early grieving.


Reading the original message again, it does read that the 'other' ex had removed themselves emotionally too - this point will really help me to cope when/if I have to encounter my ex when we're out and about.


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