How to deal with rejection?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
How to deal with rejection?
7
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 12:20am
My question is, how does one deal with rejection? I hate the idea of someone spending time with me, having sex with me, knowing me intimately and then not wanting me, or wanting someone else. I can't deal with being not wanted. In my specific case, I dated my neighbor, who turned out to be the biggest lying, using skank of all time.
But when I see him with another girl, I just start feeling anxious, because he had me and something about me was't worth keeping. Why do I care about his opinion?
I don't know why. i just want my personhood and company to be valued and I can't deal with being rejected. Any positve thinking ideas to cope with rejection? How do I stop thinking that the next woman a guy goes out with is better than me? How can I look at a guy who rejects me an dnot feel bad about myself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 9:21am

I know exactly how you feel. I had dated someone for only 4 months but went to his family for Thanksgiving and he was supposed to go with me to my family for Christmas, I thought everything was perfect. The very next weekend December 4th, out of the blue he breaks up with me. And I still feel like crap. Why? Everyone keeps telling me I'm a wonderful person and that he's an idiot for not seeing how lucky he was to be with me. But that doesn't make me feel any better. I know I don't have any advice for you, but I guess I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am equally confused and frustrated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 10:14am
You said that the guy was a liar and other bad things. That's not a person worthy of being with you and worthy of your time. You deserve better and he's scum. Any guy who dumps you and hurts your feeling isn't worth a second of your thoughts. You know that. I just read the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It's pretty good. I think this would be a good one for you. It taught me what to look for and the warning signs.
I was dumped the first time in my life a little over 2 months ago....we were engaged and getting married in spring 2005. Now it's gone and I'm devastated...(was devastated).
I understand exactly how you are feeling....it sucks. Just know that you are better than what he made you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 6:11pm

it is not always true that if he walks away then he is the better one.
Look anywhere in the world for examples. Look at Prince Charles and Lady DI.
The whole world can tell you who is the better one of the two almost unanimously.
Is that a good enough example?

I said to my Ex when he told me his feelings for me have changed that I m thankful I m not in his position. that I know if I tell a person "You are the best thing that ever happened to me" I wont be telling them 3 months later "I want to be friends with you kuz my feelings have changed"
I sarcastically added: the next time you meet a wonderful woman and decide to tell her the-your-the-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-me conversation, please make sure you add "For now" since you never know how your feelings will change overnight and without any external trigger. I m thankful to be confident that when I love someone I can at least say I love them as long as they appreciate this love I give them...
Rejecting something/someone you desperately wanted means only you dont know what you want and you are in bigger sh*t than the person you reject.

hope this helped

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 10:39pm
You're exactly right about the person rejecting someone they wanted so much in the beginning often being in worse shape than the person being rejected. This is very true with my ex, he has major commitment issues and major issues with intimacy and he pretty much freaked out when I got close to him (I have been told this by some of his friends as well). I actually almost feel badly for him that he is willing to throw people away because he is a 30 year old baby boy who can't face grown up feelings and relationships. I was the dumped one but at least I know I can feel something for someone and know that it isn't a whim and know that I have the strength and commitment to at least try and work on a relationship and get through the tough times with someone I care about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:07pm
I can completely identify with how you feel and I sympathize. I've just been recently dumped by a guy that I fell completely in love with. The rejection is incredibly painful; he was the one who pursued me so I couldn't figure out why he wouldn't want me anymore. There are extenuating circumstances in my case that I will take full responsibility for, but rest assured I feel your pain. The only advice I can offer is everytime his name enters your thoughts, stop them. Don't allow yourself to be tortured. Men like the one you're dealing with, are attracted to, and can smell insecurity from a mile away, and will use it to feed their own selfish needs. This new girl is no better than you, and down the road you'll see that she and yourself are equal. It might help to step back and consider why you don't feel good about yourself, and change it. That's what I've done and it's helped in all areas of my life. Things aren't perfect by any means, but self-confidence is what will make or break you in the long run. When you have enough of it, you'll stop questioning whether you're good enough, inside you'll already know it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:34pm

Dealing with rejection means valuing yourself more than you value someone else's opinion or desire for you. It means self-love and self-care above all. If you don't love and care for yourself first, how will someone else?

Instead of focusing on "he wants someone else" or "he likes her better" ... just keep telling yourself "I deserve better" and "His loss!" After all, you do deserve better ... who wants to be with a lying skank?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:57pm
I completely understand what you're going through because I was in the same situation when I dated a co-worker. When I saw him around the office I either wanted to burst into tears or go punch him in the face (neither of which I ended up doing). Looking back, I can see (and because a couple of my male friends told me this same thing)that is wasn't personal, as hard at it might be to understand. This isn't about you or about this other girl, it's about him and his immaturity and need to feed his ego in one way or the other. It's not a matter of him saying to himself "oh, well, Jill has a better body and a cuter laugh so I'm gonna dump Betty for her". That isn't the case at all. It's not about that. She's not better that you. He sounds like a game player and you and this other girl are in the same boat. Guaranteed he did this to girls before you and he'll do it to this girl and the one after. If he was appreciative of a good woman and looking to settle down he wouldn't be doing this. It took me a long time to get over my situation because I kept blaming myself and analyzing the relationship over and over. I finally got over it by getting angry and valuing myself more. Now I look back and I can see him as a total jackass and I thought I'd never think that in a million years when I first got dumped.