How to deal with the uncertainty?
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| Sat, 05-07-2005 - 10:02pm |
Sorry this is long...
Ugh. I am a week out from my break-up with my bf of 7 mos. I absolutely cannot believe that I could feel this much pain from such a (imo) short relationship. I was (am) in love with him...basically, here's what happened: I had been having these moments for a few months where it was like I would suddenly *know*, in my gut, "this is not going to work out". It was these brief flashes of feeling like I just wasn't being fulfilled on every level I needed. What was missing was really that sense of best-friendness that I guess I really long for in a SO. But the physical connection was *so* strong, and I truly, really love him. We just fit together really easily, really quickly. I had doubts at the beginning, and I remember expressing them to friends ("he doesn't really make me laugh, but...") but nevertheless, I fell in love.
But these feelings were coming up more and more, I started having dreams where I was breaking up with him almost every night. So last weekend I woke up and I thought, "I'll just open the door. NOT break up. But talk about the fact that something's off.". So we started talking. And it came out that he'd been feeling this distance between us, we agreed that things hadn't been working for two months or so. He has really deep depression issues which he is just now starting to address in therapy. I have OCD and anxiety that I have been dealing with for two years. We basically agreed that things weren't working, we had lost whatever connection we'd shared, we didn't know how to get it back, that we were exacerbating each other's mental health issues and *not* supporting each other in getting healthy. And we broke up.
So we didn't even *talk* about those feelings I'd been having about our fundamental incompatibility. Which is a relief, in a way. But also means I didn't really express them, get closure on them or whatever. And now, in this horrible post-breakup period, I keep feeling like I MADE A MISTAKE. Like I could "get over" feeling like we didn't connect on a humor/friend level as strongly as I would like. LIKE I WANT HIM BACK IN MY LIFE. Now.
And the problem is I know if I called him today and said "we can work this out", he'd be in. Because from his perspective, we *only* broke up because of the outside personal issues, not some fundamental incompatibility.
I guess my feeling is this: I'm 95% sure I did the right thing. He was not the one for me, I need something more.It's not fair to him or healthy for me to be with someone I'm dreaming about breaking up with every other night. But that 5% is keeping me awake at night and miserable all day. What if...On the other hand, I don't want to be one of those people who has to run every relationship into the ground, until you hate each other, or you're POSITIVE it will never, ever, EVER work. I went there with my last bf of 3.5 years, and we should have ended it way earlier. Like, *years* earlier. And I loved him too, right up til the end and for months afterwards.
When I'm doing OK, and thinking clearly, my gut and my head are in agreement: I (we) did the right thing. My heart, on the other hand, is screaming at the top of its lungs: YOU ^%!*ing IDIOT!!!!!!!
And I'm not one of those people who can be like "well, if it's meant to be, we'll get back together in the future!". I need to be able to close doors, to move on...to *know*. And this is killing me...wanting to get back together, but being (almost) postive if we do, we'll be breaking up again sooner rather than later. But what if...

There is no easy way...you simply have to make a decision and stick with it. You can't ever "know", I don't think, at least not in situations where you're just not right for each other (as opposed to cases where he hits you or cheats on you). I think you know in your gut that this wasn't the right r'ship for you, but you need time for your heart to catch up. I don't think there are very many of us who have initiated a break up who haven't had 2nd thoughts shortly after it was done.
How about waiting until it's a month and seeing how you feel? You don't have to DO anything right now, just let the feelings be and see if they pass. I also find that writing things out helps--reaffirming the reasons why you ended it. If you're having trouble with the "what if" in the meantime, just keep telling yourself, "this is the decision I made and I'm going to stick with it. I can revisit the decision in a month if I need to."
Sheri