How did this happen?
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How did this happen?
| Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:56pm |
My boyfriend and I were getting pretty serious after 1 1/2 years. He just got back from leaving me for 5 months, for a cruise ship job, a few weeks ago. Everything was just perfect when he got back and i couldnt be happier, i finally knew in my heart that he was the one. Next thing i know, we have an argument over something petty and then we both make up and get over it. The thing is... i don't know if we ever really made up completely. Labor day weekend, I spend the entire weekend with him housesitting his parents house..again everything was great and he was my best friend. We talk about moving in together, which had been a subject for quite some time in our relationship, and then all of the sudden he gets all upset. We had a huge fight and after he said he didn't know if i was the one, i broke up with him... i didn't think i could live with that. The next day i came back hugging him and begging for him back--i was not strong enough, it hurt too bad to sleep without him that night. He said he didn't know yet and had to think about it. The next day he left on his already planned trip to boston. I didn't hear a word from him until last night. He said he didn't want to date me anymore. I am in shock. It didn't matter what i said to him--even though i pleaded thst i could be at any level he wanted me to be. He said we argued too much and he'd made up his mind. I can't really understand it because I thought he was committed enough to me that we could make it thru any stupid arguement. I guess I was wrong, i am trying to accept it but i have such a hard time understanding why my reality is completely upside down right now. I truly believed he loved me unconditionally and all of the sudden he doesn't have the decency to answer my calls. This isn't the person i fell in love with.
If you can give me any advice or support i would appreciate it deeply...i'm having a hard time breathing and living right now.
If you can give me any advice or support i would appreciate it deeply...i'm having a hard time breathing and living right now.

Here is the letter i sent him...
I just don't understand so many things and have so many questions.
I don't understand how I misunderstood so greatly the level differences between us.
I could tell from your voice that you wanted a future with me someday.
When you came begging me back a long time ago, you said "Andrea you are the one for me"
I never forgot that, and i never forget anything else you said.
It seemed that when you came back from the cruise, something changed...u were different.
Not too noticably but just enough. Just enough for your feelings about me to change completely.
I thought you were my soulmate, i believed you were. I had you permanently etched in my heart
and mind...physically too. I still cannot imagine having sex with anyone else. You were it.
I accepted that I would never have sex with another guy again.... i didn't want to.
There were always, of course, little things that bugged me about you. But when I list those things today,
there is nothing that I hadn't decided I could live with. Because to me, all the good things that I loved
about you were worth it. Never before have I had to suffer by not being able to talk to my best friend (you)
about my greatest pain. Strangely enough, it is you who I want support from right now and want you
to help me get over you. That's how strongly i feel about you. I felt connected to you in a way i have
never felt before. I kept thinking that maybe it was eharmony who gave us this gift.
You were my first adult love relationship, but I felt that it would be my only.
I was committed to enough to make anything work... i felt that if i could help my own problems
right now that things could potentially be perfect between us. Well, I never got that chance with u.
You were too quick to dismiss me. Now I will have to do this for myself, in hopes that I may have
any chance at a love this deep again.
I know in time I will get over you, but there's this nagging at me that doesn't understand why
we couldn't just work things out. I didn't see a major reason for us to break up. I always thought
it was something huge that would have to break us up. I remember you saying the same. I was so loyal to you
and would never have cheated on you. I feel right now that you not talking to me is punishing me like
I did actually do something that horrible. What did I ever do to you?
Forever confused and hurt,
Andrea
hi there....first i want to say that my heart goes out to you.....like you and many others here, i know how it feels to have so much pain, that it's hard to even breathe....it brought tears to my eyes reading your post.
if i could give you advice on how to make the pain go away and making letting go of someone we love so much not be so hard and not hurt so much, then i guess i wouldn't be hurting anymore either, but the reality is that there is no way around the pain....it's just something we have to feel and go through. something i read that really sticks out in my mind at times like this is......"our emotions are the pathways to our souls......you must allow yourself to feel it and trust that you will recovery....until the next time...." a lot of people say to keep busy, so you don't think about what's causing all the pain and you'll be fine...but i think that is very bad advice.....first of all, when you can hardly find the strength to breath, i'm not sure how you're supposed to find strength to do anything else. 2ndly, we can't cover up our pain..it may work for a little bit, but trust me when i say, it will come back/re-surface, and the pain will be so much worse (i know it's hard to imagine anything being more painful than what you feel right now), but it's true, i've been there....i believe that everything in our life happens for a reason, there is a lesson we must master/learn, therefore, if we just mask the pain and not dig deep to find the lesson, as painful as it is, than the pain we feel is for nothing
...and that's something i cannot live with, can you? i also know that in times like this.....sometimes we couldn't give a s*** about lessons blah, blah, blah(that's why i love the song by holly cole....."make it go away or make it better" there's a line in the song that says..."i know there are reasons and silver linings...there are lessons, but i don't care...i just need a hand that i can hold on to because it's darker than death out there."), but we must resist the urge for temorary relief as tempting as it is.
i was with my ex for 4 years (lived together for 2), and i'm still trying to heal after a year. yes, it's been i year since our break up, and i still have days where i barely have the strength to breathe......and to tell you the truth, sometimes i don't want to...but i do...i broke up with my ex, and he really was a great guy who loved me to death, but i had issues/i was confused/and i lost apart of myself, so the break up.......as much as i've had/have many moments where i regret my decision, i have to go on believing that it had to happen. somedays are better than others, but all in all, even a year later, i'm still hurting and struggling to find myself and heal, and you need to do the same......even though we've never met, we can help eachother get through these difficult/painful/horrible/yet at times enlighting/powerful times. that's what these boards are for. i'm new to these boards myself, but so far it's helped ease my pain a little.
you will be in my thoughts and prayers. keep us posted......take care.
Hey there,
I aggree with the previous poster. I think that the "keep busy" line will only work for so long. I know because I have been there. Me and my bf broke up for the first time 2 months ago. It was a pretty bad relationship, and he didnt really make me happy, but it still hurt like hell. The worst thing during breakups is having someone tell you "I love you but I cant be with you". Its like..huh?? Its confusing, it hurts, and above all, it leaves you with false hopes of a reconciliation. I couldnt stop thinking..well if he still loves me, then I will get him back one way or another. And let me tell you, for the first few days I was more then fine. I went out partying with my friends every single day for a straight week, barely slept or ate, and came in to work with a hangover every morning. But after the "keep busy" stage was over, it really hit me and it hit me hard. I did the whole pleading, crying, screaming. I wrote him emails and text messages that were left unanswered. I kept on sleeping with him thinking he will want me back. BIG MISTAKE. He did come crawling back to me twice. He also broke up with me a few days afterwards both times, claiming he was still confused. Our last breakup was only 5 days ago, so yes it is still very fresh. I was so angry at him that I told him to stop contacting me. BUT, and there is a but, I also feel alot better. Even I am surprised at how I am doing. I am not keeping myself particularly busy. I just go on with my life. So yes, the pain does go away with time. I have allowed myself to grieve. Sometimes I will wake up and be super happy. Other days I will wake up in tears. When I feel like crying, I let myself cry for 10 minutes. Then i tell myself to STOP, and I go and do something else. It works.
Now if you want him back, here is what NOT TO DO. Dont call him begging him to take you back. Do not, under any circumstances, sleep with him. The more you do, the more power you give him, the less he will ever come to his senses. Trust me on this one. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?? The 2 times my ex came crawling back were after I stopped calling him in tears. Both times I was ready to move on with my life and he got scared of losing me so he came back. Not once did he give in whenever I would call him in tears and tell him how much I love him and miss him etc. etc. etc. I think the saying you dont realize what you have until its gone is true after all. Think about it. I also know what it is to be on the other side because I did something similar to my high school boyfriend. I dumped him out of nowhere one day because I was young and stupid and wanted to see what else was out there. I loved him more then life itself, but I thought he would always be there. He ran after me for months and months, and I refused to get back with him because I got everything I needed from him without a relationship. Well on day he stopped called. After 2 weeks of no calls I freaked out and called him. Well he flat out refused to see me, told me he was tired of my games and moved on with his life. He found himself a new girlfriend, and he is still with her by the way, actually he just proposed to her. So there, I guess I got what I deserved.
Anyways, the best thing to do is let him be. Dont beg, dont crawl after him, dont sleep with him.. It will only push him further away. You dont fall out of love with someone in a matter of days or weeks..so if he still loves you and your relationship was good for the most part, he will come back. If he doesnt, well you will meet someone much better.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!
Ladyinred
It hurts. And it keeps you strung along.
I'm glad you're feeling better... it'll get even better as time goes on!
Yes just like the other posters i feel for you. I have also been in this situation, but really you just have to take a step back and say "do i really want to be with a person who treats me this way" I mean I know things were good before, but he was obviosuly not the one for you. I know that it will take a long time to get over this, but I promise you that you will meet someone else who is perfect for you and you will look back on this all as a good learning experience.
I suggest maybe taking something to help you sleep, thats what I did. I also suggest having no contact with him for awhile. I know you really really really want to write letters call him scream etc. But trust me if you take some time for yourself to get over him you will get used to your life without him. Then getting over him becomes easier. You really just have to look at this in a positive way. You two had a good realtionship, and you will always cherish it. But it didnt work, but it will with someone else if thats what you want.
Hi!
Yes, time apart and taking care of yourself is essential. You need to let yourself grieve for the loss and go through the emotions. It is a long road BUT there is always light at the end of the tunnel. It does get better. My boyfriend and I just broke up after many years together. I was devestated at first, although I knew and understood why. But when it happened I couldn't believe it. I couldn't breathe either. Don't worry, this feeling will pass and you will start to feel better and better shortly. Like the other person said, some days you wake up and you feel great and other days you wake up and you may want to cry. But you will survive and move on to a life just as good without him and somebody down the orad who will be more right for you. Hang in there!
Whew, I finally have my internet access back. I just have to say, thanks a million to those who responded with your heartful responses. It has actually helped me more than u would believe. After the second day after he broke it off, i stopped communication with him--cold turkey. He called me the next day and I didn't answer it or call him back. I have been resisting the urges quite well. But now what I'm scared of is that the strength may come from my sense of denial. Now it seems that out of my desparation to win him back i am not calling him or emailing him. It is so stupid. I know that we should not be together, yet i'm still fighting it. When will acceptance come?? It really does go in waves of acceptance and sadness. This is the second love of my life so I do know that I will get over it with time. However, the feeling that he was the one is so strong. I am devistated that he deceived me for so long. He deceived me to think he loved me enough to be with me forever. It is SO hard for me to take that in right now. I am having all kinds of emotions--but the one that bothers me the most is the denial. When i try to think about why we shouldn't be together, i only can see why we should. I don't have a horrible list, he isn't a mean person. The only problem here is that he just couldn't be with me. I feel like it is such a tragedy.
I can't thank you enough how much your support is helping me right now. I have even printed your responses so i can re-read them over and over when i'm feeling sad. I do have greater strength because of them. Thank you.