How did I let this happen
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| Sun, 02-18-2007 - 11:22am |
I have a long story to tell.... I have worked for a person for 5yrs now. I had known him a long time ago. (just friends). I know his wife very well. My boss and I have always been good friend, we talk, about everything. Last summer the conversation started to change. Finally I asked what was going on. He told me he couldn't eat, sleep, I was always on his mind. I had him on my mind also. We agreed it would be wrong to persue this. but like an idiot our relationship was changing. the smiles, the kindness. He and I are both married. He told me if he didn't have children things would be different. Well long story short. we made love .... for months work was great we work outside, and things we wonderful. After the holiday he stoppped calling, I don't work in winter. one day I called in Jan. and asked why no calls, he replied I always call you back don't I? I was a little upset. you have to know he would always call everyday just to say hi.
now its Feb. again I ask whats going on. If it was just sex he should of said that... He swears it wasn't. My friend is very important in town, very shy, but sometimes can have a nasty remark to say. I wrote a letter telling him bye, and that I would bury my feelings for him. I felt relieved .... He called and said we were both unselfish people and we were doing this for our families. He said his kids, never said wife. Told me she was not in his heart. I cried. He said he wouldn't be letting me go if he didn't have kids. I have been married 33yrs. I was 17yrs old. not the best marriage, not the worst. I need to go back to work next week, see him all day. How do I handle this. Quitting is not an option to many quest. will be asked. And most of all do want to stay married

Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
Hi scious -
Sometimes journal writing can help, but consider burning the pages after you write so they aren't found.
This has been posted a few times and it's excellent.
Thought Stopping:
Thought stopping is very simple. As you probably well know, during the early stages of healing we obsessively think back to our ex and all the things that went on in the relationship. Its kind of like a tape the our mind just plays over and over and acts to keep us stuck in a place where we cannot move on as quickly as we may like. Thought stopping goes something like this:
1. Set aside a pre-determined 10 minutes (arbitrary time limit that you can adjust) in the morning and evening. During this time you allow yourself to sit quietly and think about your ex and the relationship. Obsess; get mad, go over and over whatever it is about the ex that you want to think about. Then when the timer goes off. That's it. You must move on to your productive activities of the day, knowing that you will get another chance that evening to return to the practice. Allowing yourself an outlet for these thoughts disciplines your mind for the task at hand. Each week or so you will cut a minute or two off the total time spent during these sessions. Just knowing you have these "meditations" scheduled during the day, helps you to focus on your work and school and leisure time, making the most of your waking hours and actually helps you sleep at night at bit easier. As I healed, I noticed that just knowing I could use that 10 minutes during my morning or evening was enough some days. I found I was much more focused and a lot less inclined to daydream and be distracted with my "internal" dialogue.
2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the ex. or your past relationship problems, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! outloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.
3. Lastly, the index cards. As you heal you will find that the bad memories or unpleasant part of your ex and the relationship begin to fade and you will be left with the happy, sweet feelings and thoughts of what used to be. This is great if it doesn't change your thinking. But if you find yourself looking for ways to reach out and reconnect with your ex because of these great memories then you need to use index cards. Using a couple of cards, write down every negative reason, example or thought you have about what happened in the relationship . Be as specific as possible so it?s very personal for you and triggers you to vividly remember these times. On The next card write down all the things about your ex that were unhealthy, unappealing or down right repulsive. Character defects, abusive behavior, or simply things that made you mad or sad. Whenever you get to a point where you are only thinking of the good things and missing the person... pull out the cards and relive the "reality" of what that person/relationship was really like and how living with them made you feel. You must remember the good with the bad and keep reminding yourself of the real reasons why the relationship did not work for you and cannot work. Why going back, seeking contact, reopening those wounds is just not worth the pain.
But thank you for the advice...... I am going to try them all