How do I break it off and leave it alone
Find a Conversation
How do I break it off and leave it alone
| Fri, 12-22-2006 - 11:30pm |
I met this guy in January. After being wined and dined, and treated like a queen I fell in love....hard. We had our disagreements, did the "break up to make up" thing. We had one huge falling out in October and broke up. For a week he didn't talk to me at all. That next week we started talking, trying to figure out what went wrong. Ever since the 1st week in November we've been together every minute we can. He'll be the first to say we aren't a couple, we're just trying to work things out but we spend every night together, every off day, we're spending Christmas with his family. I want to be with him...I think. He has female friends that never seem to pop up until we have a fall out. They call him at 2, 3, 4 in the a.m. I told him I didn't like and it bothers me. his response was "Tough, we aren't together so deal with it". I asked if I had to worry about this kind of stuff if we actually got back together. He told me yes I would because no matter what he's going to have female friends and he's going to let them call him whenever they want. I don't want to deal with this anymore. And I've tried to leave him alone but I can't. I get so depressed that I can't eat, can't sleep, can't focus on school or work. I feel like I'm dependant on this relationship because I'm scared to be alone. I want to keep him for myself so no one else gets him. Even though I know these things aren't going to change. How can I break it off and leave him alone for good and not be depressed about it?

Doing the right thing for yourself in the face of your fears will be the hardest thing you do....but once you do it and stick to it, it will be the best thing that ever happened to you. It will make you stronger. Make you know that you deserve better.
Consider short term counseling to help you through the worst of it. Or join a codependent support group. Figure out why you define yourself, value yourself only in relation to a relationship.
If he's female friends calling at all hours is unacceptable to you, know this: he's unwilling to set a boundary with them because he LOVES their attention and he's unwilling to consider your feelings in the matter. He wants it to bother you and he likes that he can punish you with it.
"I don't want to deal with this anymore. And I've tried to leave him alone but I can't."
You can. You just have to make up your mind to do it. That means making you #1 in your own life. Get to the root of the depression. Get to the bottom of why being alone bothers you so.
Reading material to consider:
Feeling Good: New Mood Therapy, David Burns, MD (I highly recommend this one)
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern
Obsessive Love by Susan Forward
Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody
Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change, by Robin Norwood
Codependent No More, Melody Beattie
Read the online reviews at amazon and see which one appeals to you, then check your local library to see if they have a copy.
Good luck to you.
Carrie
I've just recently learned that it starts with taking just one step. I'm going through something quite similar right now. For me it started with taking the step to finally just walk out of his apartment. Each step was heavy, but each step made me feel better. For you it could be not picking up the phone to call him or give him a call.
You can't control or change him, you can only control and change yourself. From what you've explained, there does not seem to be much else you can do to make him stay so you need to assess for yourself why you would want to stay in a situation like that.
Keep in mind that the more you accept and allow the behavior (it may not seem like it, but you have the decision to choose to be treated that way you can choose to take it or walk away) the worse it'll get because he knows that you'll continue to let him cross your boundaries (of comfort).
It's okay to be alone, I see it like this (or just made myself remember this), we came in the world alone and will leave it alone and the best person to get to know and truly appreciate is ourselves because no one else truly can. One thing that comes from truly understanding and appreciating ourselves is not letting anyone else take away from the understanding and appreciation of self.
Good luck!
ok do you know why he is treating you like this?? coz you are letting him. to him, you don't HAVE to be treated better. there is NO NEED. coz no matter what you will still be around. frankly , there really isn't ANY incentive to treat you right. coz you seem to be okay with this humiliation. you need to walk out. not to show HIM but to yourself that you deserve better. it will be worth the pain. it is better to be alone and miserable for a few months then let someone destroy you like this. rob you of your dignity and self respect. he is NEVER going to treat you right. and asking /begging to for self respect never works. you have to show it by actions. just leave the guy. don't spend anytime with him. he is just using you to feel good about himself. no doubt you have had many fights so what you TELL him that look stop doing this to me is not working. just walk out. say you've had enough. and then do NOT contact him. your actions will speak far louder than your words about how you need to treated. goodluck to you! i'm sure you can do it.
Absolutely.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit