how do i do it? when should i do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
how do i do it? when should i do it?
1
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:08pm
i want to break up with the guy i'm seeing. at first he was great (aren't they all), but i ignored some definite red flags and now they're problems.

it would be so much easier to do it over the phone, but i feel like i have to do it face to face. i'm pretty sure he won't go crazy or anything (although he is a little unstable). i just wrote him a letter i will never give him, just to get my feelings out and now i'm angry at him. i'm supposed to hang out with him in a little bit, should i just do it now?

it's so hard.

does anyone have any advise or stories of how they broke up with someone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:56pm
Something to consider is this.

Your feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. They're a reuslt of your perception of self and the situation at hand in light of your expectations and goals and efforts in this particular venue.

So, you "telling him how you feel" about what he has done...that is looking for a fight, and it's looking to be told off, or worse.

How you feel - is a result of how you perceive his actions and their impact on you - in comparison to what you expected out of him and being him with.

Your "feelings' are not the reason that you're breaking up. And your feelings don't need to come up in this discussion.

Because your feelings - you created him. His actions inspired your thoughts and perceptions - which created your feelings. But he didn't "create your feelings"....and in light of that fact - he can't "fix or undo" your feelings.

But if you are sitting here saying there are actions he takes, decisions he makes, words he says, things he pursues that I cannot undersand and comprehend or think is right...what you're saying is "this guy and I don't share standards and values and priorities and goals".

Now....while it is much easier ot sit there and say "you didn't call me when you said, that made me feel unimportant and that feeling is why I am breaking up with you".....I realize your situation isn't nearly that uncomplicated.....the fact is - when he didn't call when he said he would - your perception is that you're unimportant and the feeling that caused in you has you "not wanting to be around or affilited with him".

While the 'feeling" might have you wanting to affiliate or not - remember the early times wheen you couldn't get enough of him......its the "facts" that are what is tearing you apart.

don't discuss specifics, i don't see why you have to meet particularly since you mention his instability. It's simple "I prefer not to see you anymore".

No justifications for it - you want it and that's reason enough. No excuses or rationalizations that segway into discussion and argument about who's wrong and right in how they feel and what they think......

You don't want to see him anymore. Call him and tel him..and then don't see him, dno't take his calls.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com