How do I finally do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
How do I finally do it?
7
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 11:25am

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance for over 6 years. The first 2-3 years were good. We had alot of rough patches but I tried to put them aside and focus on the love we had for eachother. It was alot of rumors about him cheating on me, my dad didnt like him, his unwillingness to open up and his constant picking on me. But I thought my love was strong enough to get past that. He moved into my house around our 3 year anniversary.

Then his grandmother passed away a couple of months after our 3 yr anniversary. He was really close to his grandmother, she practically raised him. So it really broke him down. His life took a turn for the worse, he got really depressed and started drinking alot. I tried to be there for him as much as I could but he kept pushing me away. I never gave up and held up hope that he would eventually let me in.

He finally gave me some hope that he was coming back to me when he proposed on Christmas morning 2004. Of course I accepted. But then his life got thrown a curveball yet again when his mother passed away. That hit him just as hard as his grandmother, because he was trying to make amends with her. Make up lost time from when he was growing up.

He drank even more and hardly came home before 11pm 4-5 night a week. All my friends told me not to push him, just let him get over it the way he needs to. He will be ok, we will be ok. But he was just not the man I knew anymore. The picking on me became worse. I really did not want start to dislike him, especially since he just lost most of his family in just a year and a half.

Then one night last year, I went out for my birthday and he was at some bar as usual. I came home after him, so he was already passed out. But before I went to bed, my sis was still up and she told me that when he came home, he stopped at her door and was being rude and stupid. Asking her stupid questions and my sis tried to be nice because she saw he was blasted. He then starts telling her "your a b----, just like your sister. I dont love your sister anymore, I dont even want to marry her anymore." So my sister tries to persuade him to go to bed, even though she is hurt by what he just said. When she told me what he said, my heart died right there. When I confronted him the next day, he said he didnt remember saying that but he didnt mean it. But from personal experience, when you say something when youre drunk, its usually the truth.

I told him about 8 months ago, I am very unhappy with our relationship. That i have lost alot of feelings for him since that incident. And that I would like some time apart. He has yet to move out. I have asked him several times to do so. But its like my feelings dont for nothing. He says that I am punishing him for losing his granmother and mother. I tell him that I am not, I just need out because he has pushed me away and hurt me too much. I still love him but I am not in love with him.

What else should I do? I do not want to be mean or rude about this because I do still care for him. Its just not enough for me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:21pm

Welcome to the board bronx_chick,


Sounds like he has been through a lot, but you can't fix him, help him or save him. He has to want to deal with his life and his issues in a healthy manner before being ready to be in a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:34pm
Thanks for the welcome and the advice. But how do I go about making his desicion? I have told him numerous times that I need to be out of this relationship, Im not happy and he needs to move out. But its like my feelings dont mean anything, because he has not packed one thing or looked for a new place. He still tries to hug & kiss me. I will not have sex with him because I do not want to complicate things. I feel so trapped in my own house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:15pm

Are you living in your own home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 2:21pm

It is my house, only my name is on it.

I will write him a letter. And one for myself, so I can have another face to face talk with him too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:58pm

From one Bronx girl to another....

I know what you are coming from and how hard a decision it is.. and how you are wavering back and forth between what you hope will happen ( him change) and what is happening ( he wont). Changing the locks creates about a million aggressive problems that seem very difficult to handle.. but know this and I say it from my own crappy relationship that is on the rocks because of his selfishness... If you DONT kick him out, he just might stay, say all the things you want to hear, and give you a half ass relationship that you dont deserve.

You need to take a deep breathe, remember what he said that broke your heart, pack his things and tell him to move out... if he doesnt.. then change the locks. I have noticed that men will cling to comforts long after the love and respect for their significant other is gone... dont let this happen.. and dont believe the sweet talk either...if he wants to try again, he can move out and you guys can go back to "dating" again to see if you can salvage the relationship...thats the true test of his resolve.

HUGS to you, girl.. and stay strong.. you seem like you have a good family, I am sure they would help you carry out this decision if need be.

MF

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 9:47am
Dear MF,
Thank you so much for the hug and advice. I actually started to tear up but how is that different from any other day.
I actually told him about the whole "dating" thing but he didnt like that idea. He thinks I want to mess around with other guys, have my fun and then come back to him. But no matter what I said, he wants to believe what he thinks.
I have made the desicion to have another talk today and end it once and for all. So thanks again. Hopefully my future will hold some joy real soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 4:30pm
So I told him again that I want to break up and I want him to move out. I even gave him the ring back. But he wont give up. I dont feel the same. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant even think straight anymore cuz he keeps feeding me these stories of how he gonna be the man he once was and he wont put me down anymore and he'll open up to me more. But Im not happy with him anymore and he just wont listen to that. he doesnt understand how I went from loving him to not loving him. I cant take this anymore. I feel like giving up and just giving in, but then Ill probably cheat on him cuz Im so unhappy. Please help.