How do I fix this?
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How do I fix this?
| Sun, 12-26-2004 - 10:07pm |
I have been friends with this guy since New Years (a year ago) and our relationship turned romantic many months ago. He is amazingly wonderful and I truly do love him (and so do my kids.) I screwed this up. He wanted me to stop smoking and I did ... for a bit. Then I would occassionally have a cigarette but would lie because I kept thinking I could stop and the whole thing would blow over. Wednesday (two days before Christmas) I got busted and it turned into this HUGE fight where he said some really horrible things (he's a bit tempermental) and for some reason I fought back which I don't usually do. I also admitted that yes, I had lied and BEGGED for him to forgive me. Now it has been days and after that one LONG day of lots of yelling some hateful things on both of our parts in anger and hurt, he won't return my calls and I don't know what to do. Actually our last call was quiet but very "I'm so sorry." - "I can't believe you did this." - "It's going to hurt and I will miss you all but you need to learn a lesson," "Please forgive me." "No" It hurts so bad I can't breathe sometimes and I HAVE to fix this. And how do I go on if I can't fix this? Luckily my kids are with their dad for Christmas so they are not seeing their super-mom be a basketcase. It also doesn't help my pity party that I miss them terribly. Outside of his temper tantrums, he is truly an incredible man whom I am madly in love with. How do I fix this??? Please help me.

Kat,
I'm kind of torn on this one. On the one hand, the man cared enough about you to ask you to quit smoking. You agreed initially, but fell back into the habit. Oh, who the heck am I trying to kid????
He wanted you to stop smoking, and, like a little girl not wanting to lose this wonderful guy (who *just* happens to be tempermental) you do it even though you're not ready to. You cheat once in awhile, but always got back on track. When he does catch you cheating, he blows up on you, like you're a little girl. Like a little girl, you usually don't fight back, except for this occasion. You even begged him for forgiveness, like a little girl. He returns your apology with little girl comments like, "I can't believe you did this," and "you need to learn a lesson." Like a little girl, you NEED to fix this.
I hope you can see what I'm getting to. This wasn't an equal relationship. This man needs to gain control over temper tantrums and give up control on you. Until then, make no contact with him. Instead, try to think of other times he tried to control you and not treat you as an adult.
If you want to wear the super-mom cape, you're going to have to stop the bullets of his unkind words, outrun this locomotive of destruction, and leap over this unmoveable building. And then, moving on will seem like a piece of cake.
If I am seeing this wrong, please tell me. I will change my opinion if I am not interpreting this correctly.
Mimiche
I agree that lying should be a deal breaker. But, I also think he's being a little rough on you. For many, being with a smoker is a deal breaker, that's true. But, didn't he know you smoked when you met and when started getting to know each other? If he knew that going in, that's for HIM to accept and for YOU to change, if YOU choose.
Acceptance is HUGE part of a relationship. If one cannot accept the person for who they are and for their habits -- good and bad, faults and all -- then that's HIS problem. He shouldn't expect you to change. You should want to quit for yourself, your health -- quitting for someone else, when you aren't ready to quit, isn't going to solve the problem.
Another problem I have with his temper-tantrum is that your smoking isn't a "character defect!" It doesn't make you a bad person. Lying is; however, I think, in some ways, you were set up to deceive him and lie to him about it b/c you were doing something you weren't ready to do -- you weren't ready to quit.
Explain to him that you WANT (if you do want it) to quit and that what you need is his patience and acceptance while you go through the process of quitting.
Oh my gosh...somebody tie me down...did he ACTUALLY SAY
"It's going to hurt and I will miss you all but you need to learn a lesson..." ???!!!
Yeah, you need to learn a lesson. Go out and buy a carton of MANLY cigarettes...Marlboro will do...learn how to blow amazing smoke rings...heart shaped if you can, and puff rows of them into the face of this arrogant jerk. Laugh disdainfully while you do it...tell him you've cracked completely under his insane demands that you be an utterly perfect human being. Quit your crawling...you've made sincere efforts at apologizing and he's refused to accept them. Get up, dust yourself off, and hold your head up with lighted cigarette in your elegant hand. (By the way, I'm a total non-smoker, but we should embrace our little vices along with our strengths...it's what makes us amazing, unique, but slightly flawed God-created beings). He has a far greater lesson to learn: Honesty, Courage (in his real reasons for leaving), and Forgiveness. It'll take him LIFETIMES to get those in order...far longer than it'll take you to give up on an occasional puff on your cig...
Homework: Read "Why Men Love Bitches", "He's Just Not That Into You" and "He's Scared She's Scared". You can get them at your library for free or at any good bookstore. NO CONTACT until you've read them all. Then, in a more empowered state of mind, spend some time reminding yourself of all those personal goals and interests you left on a shelf while trying so, so hard to be a good little girl for that Oh-so-important-and-self-righteous-Big-Daddy-of-Yours. What can you do to revive them? What can you do with your children that will enhance that far more important bond now that you have extra time on your hands?
"Outside of his temper tantrums, he is truly an incredible man whom I am madly in love with. How do I fix this??? Please help me." Yeah, I'll help you. Outside of my abusive ex-cop husband's temper tantrums he was an incredible man (to everybody but me). I hero worshipped him. I had such low self-esteem I felt honored he would even live in the same house with me for 17 years. Wow...was I a sucker! You're doing the SAME thing...stop it now, take a cold shower, drink lots of coffee...whatever...but WAKE UP! You are in an abusive relationship. It hurts far more years down the road when the only person you can blame is yourself...for allowing it to continue...
P.S. So what...you "lied" about the cigarettes...just protecting your privacy, really. It didn't affect a soul but yourself. Quit beating yourself up...we all tell little white lies...your "man" has been telling you far worse.
P.P.S. There are many FINE STUDS out there who are chain smokers...find them, embrace them, and live happily ever after...