how do i get closure

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2005
how do i get closure
7
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 5:54pm
Ok i dont know if you have or have not read my posts the last few days but my bf broke up with me a week ago, all week he had called me everyday and kept saying he loved me, missed me and he would see me soon so we could maybe try and talk out or problems.....then yesterday he didnt call...and he said he would...so i tried to call him, msg him, etc and he just flat out ignored me. i feel like iam not getting the closure i deserve, why did he lead me on all week...call me and then nothing....what i am suppose to think, why is he doing this...I feel like i want sooooooooooo bad to call him again tonight and demand answers, i feel like i need closure, but part of me thinks that calling isnt a good idea. how does he expect me to move on and get closure when he did this to me all week, by giving me false hope...and then ignoring me. this isnt fair. please help..do i call, what do i do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 7:04pm

Thats one thing I didn't understand about my break up either.. Don't know if you've read any of my posts or whatever but things were fine with me and my boyfriend. We haden't got to see each other a lot the last few weeks of our relationship for various reasons (plus we lived about an hour apart) and I called him before I went to class, then after - I went out with my girls and got a text that said "I think we are about over" So I called him right away, he wouldn't even listen to a word I had to say, screaming at me (which he had never done) told me to kiss his ass etc. It was awful and I never got the closure I needed either. I called and called and texted, never could really get an answer I just had to accept that it was over. I later found out it was because of another girl..

I'm totally not saying that its the same in your case.. but I feel like an idiot for as much as I called him and begged him to work things out. I think if you want to call him again and just try to talk to him, you should.. if he doesn't answer, maybe just leave a message asking him to call you back that you just would like to talk. But after that don't keep calling.. because even though we all think we want/need that closure, if he won't explain or talk to you or return your calls - its not even worth it. and I def wish I wouldn't have given my ex the satisfaction in knowing how completely torn I am because of what he did to me.

Best of luck <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 7:16pm

I wouldnt call him, not now, not when youre so upset, thats probably why he isnt calling, he doesnt want to hear it. Someone who loves and cares about you would have called, cared about how you felt, he obviously doesnt and if you call him that will make it worse when he reconfirms what you already know, I called my ex about a week after it happened and he wouldnt answer, so i left a really nasty message knowing it would push his buttons and he would call and he did, and i felt worse, he told me he never wanted to see me again and not to call him again and hung up on me, and now is with someone else, that was 3 weeks ago, I believe he was with before we broke up, we all go thru it though, the need to call but it doesnt usually end up like you planned.

kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 1:23am

Let him know that you need some time and space to think things through. This give *you* the control back, rather than waiting for him to call. It also gives you a chance to get some perspective. Spend time with people who truly love you - I can tell you that over the past few days since my breakup, I've re-discovered my friends and family - I don't feel the need to call him when I'm being bombarded with love from all around! That has also given _me_ the time to think about what *I* really want (a _great_ relationship), and not worry about whether or not he is thinking about me. If your ex really loves you, as he says he does, he'll understand your need for space at this time, and he'll give it to you. If not, he's clearly not worth it, and you'll have a chance to move on and find someone who is. You deserve great people in your life - hold out for the ones who are!

Best wishes,

hurtingbutstrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:29pm
We should all make a promise to each other, not to call our exs. Screw it, if they dont give us the respect and love we deserve, they are not worth our emotions! Whos with me?!?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2005
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 4:53pm
I am so with you. Let's try to stick to it.. goodluck <3333
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2005
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 3:01pm

Whenever I was temped to call my ex, my friend used to tell me DON'T CALL HIM>>>NEVER GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY!! Think about it:if some guy was calling and begging you...you would prolly lose respect for him and think he wasn't too cool or together...RIGHT??

Never Drunk Dial...Lonely Dial...3 am dial...Dial While Upset, etc. And if he DOES finally call you, wait some decent interval of time before calling him back. 2 hours, okay?? Minimum. That way, even if all you've been doing is PINE for him (and ya gotta stop that) at least he'll think you've got a life that's exciting and fun, whether he's around or not. In time, you'll realize...you DO! Hugs, sweetie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:40am

you're right, it does seem unfair at times when we are hurting, and it's easy to blame others(meaning the ex), but i think we all need to take responsipility, because we really do all have a choice. i know it's hard though, because i've been through it. i think that's what makes letting go so hard....we give too much power to the ex. we cling on to any little hope they give us...whether they do it on purpose for whatever selfish reason, or maybe they do it unintentionally, but the bottom line is we have the power to control our lives/decisions, so as difficult as it is..no matter what they tell us, we can't cling on to that and wait around for their decision/next move before we decide what our next move is. we all need to heal, grow, learn, and let go, and we can take a stand and decide for ourselves that now is the time to do so. i know how hard that is though, my ex said "maybe" we'll get back together(i broke up with him and had lots of regrets and for almost a year i asked him all the time to get backtoghether, and it was always "no"). i was so happy, that was the most progress i made with him in almost a year. i clung onto that little bit of hope with every ounce of my being....that went on for 2 months, and finally when i pressured him enough i guess, he gave me an answer and it was a "no". i felt like we broke up all over again. and any little progress i had made with dealing with our break up was washed right down the drain, and i was back at square one.

take care,
trying to heal.