how do i get him back..please help!
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| Thu, 07-08-2004 - 5:17pm |
Amy,
I have the feeling that writing to you is going to be a much better method at this point in the relationship and I appreciate the idea. Right now I understand that you are going through an enormous amount of pain, frustration, confusion, and know I don't believe that you are crying all day but feeling normal sadness that anyone else would in this situation. I can only imagine how confused you must have been when I first broke the news to you that I was done with the relationship and wanted to stop trying, especially after we seemed to be doing so well. I guess that it is the hardest part for me to explain and I would really like to try.
First you must understand that I have loved you every moment that we have been together and always will, forever. You have been there for me in almost every way a women could and more amazing you are only 27 and was willing to give up parts of your life for me. That says so much about you and the way you treated this relationship and I just want you to know that it didn't go unnoticed. You also put everything you had on the line to make this work and never gave the impression that you wanted to give in and or give up. You stood strong to words and constantly amazed me with new ideas and fun things to do together. We truly had a good time almost everywhere we went and I felt so comfortable with you in almost any situation we were presented with. That says so much about us, and you have brought that to my attention and I just wanted you to know I felt that same way.
Second I want you to know what has been going through my mind for most of the relationship and maybe why it was happening. When I first started this relationship I was looking so badly to share things with and have someone to listen to me. I was, for one of the first times, alone and was so happy to have someone that could talk on the phone as much as I did. And we talked. That was how I fell in love with you, learning more about you and sharing new thoughts and have nervous giggles. We really started off well and ran with it. And ran with it. Before I knew it I was asking you to come to Omaha and pretty much opened the door to a relationship within a couple of weeks. It went so fast but felt so good. The problem with that is that I might not have been doing it for the right reasons and by that I mean I was looking for a relationship and not a girlfriend. Well, in a matter of no time we were just that, and I really began to like it. We clicked in so many different ways it was crazy, it was scary. As time passed and we started taking it to the next step, me moving there, you moving here, my thoughts were a little different and I wasn't sure how to decipher them. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this because I didn't want to lose you or if I was doing this because I was feeling so much pressure to keep us going. I truly didn't know what the difference was. So when you say that I was feeling pressure, you were right, and I am person that tries to make everything right and I have a problem saying no to things that might not be what I truly want to happen. Finally, as the decision to move to Chicago was being scratched into the concrete I told my heart to stop. And it did.
The problem with this is you don't understand how I could just stop loving. How I could just turn it off and walk away. Well the truth is that I have been fading for some time and when I decided to say stop it felt right. I can't really explain why it feels right but it does. What comes with that? A very confused girlfriend that thinks it is her fault for all of this and for pushing me away and she thinks she can put it all back together. You must first know that this is not because of you and you did not cause all of this no matter what you tell yourself and no matter what has been happening on our phone conversations lately I am not the person I am coming off to be. I come off that way because I become so frustrated with the situation and seeing you pull so hard for this makes me feel horrible and I just want to get off the phone.
I am trying really hard to look at it from the point of view that if we were to start over and take it slow that we would start to feel those things we at one time felt so strong. But I know my heart is not willing to do that and it makes me so short with you and makes you feel as if I don't care about a single thing that we have shared, but that is so far from the truth. You see Amy, I know we have something special and we work so well with one another. I also know that I have lost something in my heart for you that can never be regained no matter what we were to put it through and in return I am being so stubborn I am hurting you. I never want to hurt you and never want to lead you in a direction that is not the truth. I think you believe that by me telling you all of those wonderful things and then ending it, you think that this was all a lie and that is so far from the truth becausse in my heart I wanted this to work so bad and that is why I pushed for those thoughts.
Right now, if there is one thing I do know it is that I never have meant to hurt you in any way. And I recognize that you would be willing to do anything for this relationship. I also know that my heart is ready to move on and wish I could have talked to you about this some time ago because it wouldn't have been such a shock to you. You must know that there was no way of stopping these feelings no matter if you were to have changed a year ago or changed today. It is just one of those things a heart does and you can't really explain why it is doing it.
I just want you to know that from this point on if and when we talk on the phone next I will be as considerate as possible but know that I really struggle with any thoughts about a future because it is so against what my heart wants or needs right now. I want to be able to help you through this time of you life and you can help me through mine but it is time that we start taking our own paths. Amy I am so sorry that this is the way things are right now in our lives and I don't fully understand them. I guess I don't know what else to say except for that the fact that I love you so much and I truly pray for you at all times of the day and think about what we had for so long. You are truly an amazing women and I will talk to you soon.
love,
adrian

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I guess I should clarify. I think the letter is better than no letter or reason or apology, of course. Not knowing is is brutal and the most difficult tihng in the world. I was given no reason for several weeks until I forced him to tell me and it is much easier now. I wasn't saying the letter is a bad thing.
What I am saying is that doing the wrong thing, then apologizing for it is the easiest thing to do in teh world. Addressing the problem as it arises and being honest form teh get go, is another thing and take maturity.
And to the post that said, "sometimes you just fall out of love". I must say I do not agree. I don't think anything 'just' happens. It takes time and INattention. People confuse "falling in love" with "loving" and to me they are veyr different. I agree sometime feelings change, I don't dispute that. But I guess for me what happened was that the feelings changed, for months he said NOTHING, until the relaitonship got to the point where I was so unhappy that I had to bring it up, forcing his hand in the matter. In that sense I think it is unfair and spineless. It is cruel to feel a way and not tell your partner. It is difficult, I htink the most difficult thing to do, but it will have to be done eventually right? And which is worse, now or later? We all know the answer to that. He kept me around because he didnt want to lose me althogh he didnt see a future. But then he wrote "the letter" apologizing profusely, saying how amazing, beautiful, blah blah how everything was perfect but that the 'sexual chemistry' wasn't there. THe fact there was a problem, he said nothing for months, kept me around under dillusion and then thought he shoudl be excused because he loved me? That is not real love.
TO me love is putting the other person first. It has nothing to do with what you get but what you give. Many people are not at that stage where they are able to do that, and thats fine, but they need to be aware and make the other person aware as well as it happens. For a relationshpi to end 'suddenly' or out of the blue is not excusable in my eyes. It is dishonest and selfish, no matter what the other person wants to call it.
My ex used the words "love and loyalty" as reasons for not telling me (and remember he only told me after i forced his hand) when what it really was was selfishness. If these people would think for ONE second what it would feel like if the tables are turned, they woudl not have done it. But that would take emotional maturity.
And to the person who fell out of love but cried because they wanted to be back in love so bad...my ex said the same thing. How he WANTED so bad for the chemistry to be there. But man, if you can't even talk to me about it, how can we connect sexually or try to resolve it? He did not ACTIVELY DO anything about it. DId you tell your partner you felt something was missing, try to figure it out and try to resolve it TOGETHER? If not I am sorry but "willing" or "wanting" it back will get you nowhere. Love is not something you fall into, it is something you DO. If you sat back and did nothing but pray for things to change, and i am not saying you did, but if you did, you did not really want to be in teh relaitonship and that needs to be acknowledged.
People use a lot of excuses and reasons not to do teh rihgt hting. Because you know what, the right thing is usually very hard to do. But Amy, just remember this and take it as lessons learned. You deserve to be with someone who respects you enough to be honest at ALL times, even if it hurts. Because what people fail to realize is that putting things off, never makes the situation better for anyone other than the person doing it.
WOW, what a letter - especially from a guy! I am going through kind of the same thing. I'm the one pressuring trying to get back together and in reality, it is pushing him further away. I try to tell myself and you should also, that we can not control other people or things. We only have control over our own lives. No matter what we say to them or how hard we try, we're not going to change their thoughts or feelings. Why do we want to beg anyway?
however, i used to be the dumpee and the dumper and both roles are very difficult to go through..when you are the dumper you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings but what does that do? you sink deeper and deeper until you either start acting like a jackass to your SOther or you leave without ever explaning why because you love them as a person and can not bare hurting their feelings
when you are the dumpee it's definitely 10 times worse because it is unexpected and because your Sother did not address things at the point they started happening
so yes, melevanson is right..doing the right thing is VERY HARD and it requires emotional maturity (lots of it)
I don't think anyone "gives" you closure. I don't think you work it out with your ex to give each other closure (you can give forgiveness and best wishes, but that's not the same).
I don't think some confused guy explaining why he dumped you is closure. Believe me, my ex is very emotionally expressive (good thing? I think not). We've exchanged many long, articulate, detailed, and very thorough conversations, emails, and letters about our feelings. We broke up once before. I broke up with him this last time. We've both talked, talked, talked in connection with both breakups. And he's let me know whatever's on his mind, the "it's not you, it's me," the "we weren't meant to be," the "it all started that day we went to the lake," the "one of us is commitment phobic," you name it. I've analyzed the relationship, we've analyzed it together, and boy have we talked. And it doesn't make a bit of difference. And it doesn't make me feel better to know the particulars (like, if you get a particular date - "I started falling out of love with you on Valentine's Day..." - then every memory you have after that date is now tainted). And, like Mel said, it's not a kindness to me that he explains he had a problem months before - maybe he could have mentioned it then, when we could do something about it? I'd almost rather believe he got hit in the head and stopped loving me one day than to know I'd been living a lie for months, you know?
Plus, it's all so self-serving (whether from dumper or dumpee), it's so stock and cliche, and it just gets so annoying that the only time you get intensely self-aware and emotionally expressive messages are when he's analyzing why you two just won't work. Any deep, intense, "reliving my childhood lessons" messages from him when things were cruising along okay? No, definitely not, that's just the detritus from breaking up with a reasonably articulate man. And it can be so exhausting, especially where you have competing stories ("well, it really hurt me when you did 'x,' so I've been backing away for months, too...."). And, really, I think the more detailed he is, the more you wonder why the detail? Why all the analysis? The more you exchange message like that, the more the "closure" episode becomes its own dysfunctional project. It's practically an invitation to come in and solve the problem, right? "I started feeling it three months ago" - doesn't that make it seem reversible, three months ago wasn't so long, let's retrace our steps and see where we lost it, right? Too much detail suggests there's a reason, an explanation, and problem-solvers aren't just comforted by explanations, they want to solve problems. So, some people might pack it up and be happy they got a reason, but I bet most of us are just more obsessed after hearing it, and it will eat away at you both with respect to "fixing" it with him and in your next relationship. Or, just the fact that he's "taking the time" to send an email may make you think he "cares," and if he cares that much, there must be something there to salvage. It's just torture.
I'll also say, my ex sent me an email saying he realized he was a selfish jerk during my cancer thing, he apologized and wanted to be a better friend to me than he'd been a boyfriend. Suckered in, I met up with him, and he was singing a different tune ("selfish? what do you mean?"). Sometimes they just say something that sounds right, or they heard once, or that strikes them at the moment as appropriate, and don't really mean it anyway. I say just delete any message from him, it's not your "closure," only you can give that to yourself.
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