How do I get him to understand NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
How do I get him to understand NC?
15
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:00pm

I broke up but he continues to call. He doesn't understand why I dont' call him once in a while. He says if I cared about him I would call. I have tried to explain that communicating keeps things confused, but he doesn't get it. He says that he wants to know how I'm doing once in a while. He wants us to be friends. I tried to explain the thing about jumping from a romantic relationship to friendship not being possible without time apart. He replied with "oh, I didn't realize our relationship was just about sex". I have tried to tell him that I do care about him but right now, communication makes things harder. He thinks that my feelings for him must be stronger than I let on when we were together.

What should I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:16pm

Don't pick up the phone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:43pm
I did avoid his phone calls at first, then he would email. We wrote back and forth Thanksgiving weekend and I tried to explain everything to him but its like he doesn't listen. I cried my heart out that weekend because of the pain I knew I was causing him. Then sometimes I cry for the pain he's caused me. I just wish he would understand that just because I don't call doesn't mean I don't care about him. I thought maybe I should send him an article like some of the ones I've read on here that explain the need for no contact???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 8:04pm
I guess you could do that, but it sounds like you've already tried explaining it over and over. I know you care about him, but you're broken up, you don't have to explain these things to him, just maintain no contact and eventually he will understand it, he probably doesn't even see how it's keeping either one of you from healing and moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 8:13pm

Sadly, any contact you have with him will let him know it's ok to keep contacting you...It's not helping either of you.

You don't need to feel his pain on top of your own. Let him take care of himself, and you do the same. You are not responsible for his not understanding, you are only responsible for communicating yourself clearly and then following through. The rest is his job.

Hugs.

 

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 8:25pm

You've already explained it and he's chosen to not understand your explanation. It's time to block him from emailing you and stop answering his calls. Responding is just going to give him false hope.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 2:01am

Stop taking his calls, any of his calls. He doesn't understand no contact because you keep talking to him, you keep taking his calls, you try to explain it. Block his emails too.

Change your number?

Hmm, maybe tell him the next time you take a call that if he doesn't stop calling you will file a restraining order to stop him from harassing you.

And as a side note, him saying 'if you cared about me...' statement, that's his way of manipulating you to get what he wants.




Edited 12/18/2006 2:03 am ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:55am

I have never actually told him not to call me. Every time he calls (about every 6-7 days) he says something about me not calling him and if I cared I would call once in a while. He says he considers me a friend but I must not think of him that way. I have told him that I do care about him but I feel it confuses things when we talk and that we need time before we can be just friends. He disagrees, but always says he won't call again--that he'll wait for me to call.

From now on I just won't answer if he calls. I guess part of me doesn't want to totally burn that bridge in case I do need his friendship in the future. I don't want him to hate me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:59am

Tell him:
"I need a period of no contact to heal. Please give me that time."

When he starts in with the 'you don't care' - tell him: "I'm asking for this for my well-being, please respect my wishes." If he argues, hang up.

You have to be willing to be the 'bad guy'. Your feeling have to matter more than his.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:55pm

If you're meant to be friends, it'll happen, and he'll understand in the long run why you had to do this. Don't worry about burning bridges now--focus on what you need to do to get past this.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:18pm
We have had no contact for 2 weeks, then today I got an email. It wasn't too bad, just updating me on his fishing trip. He said he wishes we could be friends and he misses me, especially when he goes fishing. Should I write back and say "please don't contact me for x amount of time, and then we will try being friends"?

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