how do i get my ex back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
how do i get my ex back?
11
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:15am

about 4 months ago, my ex-boyfriend and i became miserable around eachother. he was always irritable and annoyed with me and basically fell-out of love with me and i allowed it because i thought the relationship was near an end anyway. but then we went on our singapore/bali trip together that we've been planning for half-a-year and i realized that i wanted to salvage our relationship but i the night before our trip, i said some hurtful things to him because i was irritable.

since that day, he couldn't get what i said out of his head and basically gave up on us right after the trip. i tried to make it up to him but it was too late. we broke up and i kept on pushing myself on him anyway, asking him to come to christmas at my family's house. this gave me false hope and he never intended to salvage our relationship. instead, he had an emotional affair with a coworker and then acted on it the friday of christmas week. he was supposed to meet-up w/ me but never showed and i went to his apartment and found him half-naked with his coworker.

i was so angry and hurt because he deceived me and wasn't direct about his intentions with me. i basically told him he was the worst guy in the world and told him to never speak to me again. he wrote me an email almost a week later explaining himself and said that he should have been more direct and honest with me and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now. if he's going to be in a relationship w/ me, he needs to be in love w/ me.

so now he's in a relationship w/ this former coworker and i know that she's just a replacement for me and she's just there to fill a void. the real reason why he left the relationship was because i neglected him. i became so consumed w/ my new luxury condo and worked 3 jobs that i ended up neglecting him and taking him for granted. i see my faults now and i want my ex-back.

question is, how do i get him back? we spent almost four great years together and i think he still loves me but he's not in-love with me. i'm scared that he would fall for this new girl...eventhough she's a homewrecker cuz she knew he had a g-friend and pursued him to the ends of this earth.

should i just give him space? how can i get his attention w/out looking desperate and needy? should i just carry-on w/ my life and hope for the best?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:40am
The truth is, if he doesnt want it to work. It wont. If hes moved on, then you have to too. Sometimes waiting around for them, and showing them that you still love them, pushes them farther away because they know they can have you at any time. Maybe you should just give him his space, and not push yourself on him. If he wants you he`ll let you know. And if he doesnt, you`ll be able to tell. Its horrible having to wait around to see if he`ll ever come back. But you cant sit around waiting for him either, what if he never comes? Then you would have wasted half your life on something that was already over. You have to accept what has happend, and grow from it. It`ll be hard, but it`ll get easier. And you can do it. If even after all these years you still love him as much as you always did, then you owe him his space. And if he wants you to let him go, then you owe that to him to. You cant just wait around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 12:26pm

This is hard to say... because it's not what you want to hear...

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Just like... once an addict, always an addict.

If the two of you were to decide to be together after this affair, it would take 1/2 of the length of time that you were together in the first place in intensive counseling in order to you to not harbor fear and resentment that he will cheat again. He will also need this, because he needs to learn why he fell out of love with you and felt that it was ok to do the ultimate act of betrayal. It was NOT ok. And, the two of you together would have to work very hard to determine what went wrong.

you wouldn't be picking up where you left off... You would have to basically start fresh from a new phase.

When my ex broke it off with me almost 2 weeks ago... I thought this through once I stopped sobbing all of the time. We were together for 4 years. We had what I thought to be a very healthy and wonderful relationship where we both were learning and growing. I STILL believe that. I believe that something happened within him - that he just couldn't talk about with me. something that he really just needs space and time to work through.

But, I know that when he's through it there will be nothing left there for me other than a good friend in the future who I know will always care deeply for me.

My ex-husband cheated. He had other problems, making our relationship one sided and dysfuntional from day one. I wanted out after a year. I stayed for 5. The day he told me that he was having an affair, I asked him to leave. I filed for divorce. And, I became happy overnight.

And... we are friends today. Not... hang out together friends... but he's always there when I need him and the same for me.

Hang in there and I hope that you find the strength to let this go... you deserve better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:15pm

hi.
just wanted to tell you this -
immdtly after i we broke up - all i cared about was how to get him back. i'd call him and tell him about all the wonderful times we'd spent together, i'd call him and say you can't cheat on me you love me, i'd call and say look you dont want to b ethis person, you aren't a cheater, i know it just stop this nonsense and lets be together, YOU said we would maarry - why are you doing this to us ..............

and i can tell you - it was MADNESS. it hurt like hell. i couldnt understand anything. i just wante dhim back. THEN i started blaming MYSELF. analysed everyfight, every conversation and told myself yes its my fault. convinced myself. called him and said I WAS WILLING TO CHANGE!!!!!!!!! can yo uu imagine anything as despeate as that? and he agreed to give it a chance! the cheate agrees to give me ( a nice, kind loyal maybe sometimes emotional gf) a chance! and i was walking on eggshells....

to cut a long story short - after most emotionally damaging month sin my life, i wasn't eating, drinking, lost 10 kg - i realised i didn't want him back. and wanting him back just meant something is so desperately wrong with me that i'm willing to put up with crap just to get him back.

Point i'm making is. think hard. think truly about who he is. is it REALLY your fault? is what you did sufficient reason for him to pack up and move on? that too ina way thats veyr disrespectful to you? think hard. maybe its not your fault. stop blaming yourself. thats when the healing begns. *hug*

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:38pm

BINGO!!!!

Oh I tried to say this EXACTLY! But I didn't get it across.

It's NEVER your fault when someone cheats on you! NO MATTER WHAT. If there was a commitment and an agreement to be monogamous... then that is exactly the commitment that needed to be honored by both parties.

After my ex-h cheated... for some reason I just knew this although I had never been in this situation before (that I know of!!) And, I walked away from the father of my three children because he made and broke a lot of promises - but that particular one is moral and ethical - NO MATTER WHO YOu ARE!!

get over this. It's not your fault. Cry, be sad, grieve, and be MAD. The anger will go away once you forgive yourself, and the guy.

And, love will take the place of the bitterness. It just takes time and space and care....

Be good to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:06pm

didn't know where to post this - but wantedto ask you this -
how di dyou forgive your ex-h??
i'm so consumed with anger atthe horrible way i which i was treated. the hurt anger and idignation that i should have felt THEN is hitting me now. and i feel angry with myself that i was putting up with such humiliating things being done to me. now im much less angry at myself but SO ANGRY AT HIM. he called on my bday and news years to wish but i just cut. (as part of NC) and i dont understand his nonchalance either. i feel like i can never forgive him. and being "friends" with him would be insulting myself all ove r again. it would be saying its okay to do this to me - ill still be "friends" with you. he hasn't asked for my forgiveness and i've been unable to give it to him. and this is a major block in my healing process. any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 2:20pm

As a matter of fact... of COURSE I have advice. As my two best friends told me last night - I'm GREAT at giving advice.

Here's how I view forgiveness... Forgiveness is letting resentment out of your heart to make room for love. Resentments divide your life, and love multiplies. You can hold SO much love in your heart - but you only have room for so much if you allow resentments to build up in there.

To me, forgiving and forgetting are two entirely seperate things. I forgave my ex-h - I didn't TELL him until recently actually. I am not a religious person, but I prayed that I would let go of the resentment. And, I did. I did not understand why he did this - in my opinion (and his, actually now that we are friends and talk about this sometimes) I was the perfect wife. I worked, I kept the house, I took care of the kids. I'm educated, funny, cute and a giver. But - he wanted someone who needed him. I didn't. I never wanted to be with someone out of need... I wanted to be there out of love and friendship. He was never capable of having a relationship that was healthy in that way.

So, how did I forgive? It started with me. I forgive myself this time around... for the doubts. For the pain I probably caused. For not standing up for myself more often. For not being enough (not that this is reality, just that I felt that way in the beginning). For not being able to see this coming. For hurting him. And... for losing one of my closest friends in the world if I am not able to let him spread his wings.

Then, I forgave him. Or, I'm in the process. He hurt and humiliated me. He told everyone else before I had a CLUE. That forgiveness will take time. I forgive him for ending the relationship however. I can't fill that space with more love for those around me when I'm holding my heart closed to keep that resentment inside.

Open your heart. Do it now. Call someone you love and just tell them how you feel. Your mom, your sister, a friend... someone. Send an email to someone you've lost touch with just to say hi. Send yourself some flowers, or someone who you think might benefit from a little pick me up today.

I have found that giving to me is so much more than taking. I never take enough - but sometimes to take, I have to give first.

Feel free to drop me a note any time. I think you are going to be just fine, just give your heart the time that it needs to heal correctly so that you can move on with your happiness.

Many hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 4:33pm

When my ex and I broke up right before New Years (and I mean like 2 days and he didn't even tell me to my face--yeah it was horrible) I was reading a lot of things on line. One of the articles said to do the following...

1. Leave him alone and let him know what he's missing.
2. Don't call him and IF he does call you, keep it short (Under 8 min) and you MUST hang
up first (this shows that he's not running your life and you're in control)
3. Go out with your friends. If you've dumped your friends for him as many of us do, then
it's time to find new ones.
4. Don't sit at home pineing over him. That's what he expects. He's out having the time
of his life doing whateven he wants while we sit at home with our box of tissues and
Lifetime Movie Network :~( Oh poor us right... NO WAY!
5. The #1 most important thing to do is SMILE SMILE SMILE.

Who knows if these things even work but I'm trying them. I'm thinking that maybe after I
do these things that I'll gain my self back and become the fun loving person I was before we started dating (maybe he'll see this, maybe he won't). But, if he doesn't then someone else will. If he does see it I might just be at a point in my life where I've moved on and aren't interested anymore. These are my hopes and by gosh I'm trying to follow through.
~I haven't called but it's a little different with us b/c we techinically still live together. He's been staying at a friends house but he does come home after going to the gym to shower and get more clothes for the next day. I may see him in passing but I'm just silly and goofy (like I was before) I will not let him think that he's won even if I have to punch a pillow when he leaves. He's called me a few times and I don't answer it. He asked me the other night why I didn't call him that day. My reply: why didn't you call me? If you wanted to talk to me you know how to get a hold of me. His reply: I'm sick of talking to your vm. Hmmmm funny how he had no problem not answering my calls but I should jump at his. I don't think so.

~I've just gotten an ipod and and going to join a gym.

~I've got plans to go out with a few friends from work next weekend. They're being real good to me and have taken me under their wing.

~I don't do the usual things that I'd do for him. I always did his laundry and made him dinner every night as well as his lunch etc. Not anymore...lets just see how long it takes him to realize how much I really did and was taken for granted.

At the end of it all---- I'll be a better stronger person and someone will want that, even if it's not him. Of couse, I have it buried deep down that I want it to be him but I don't have my hopes up either. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be... right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2005
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:27pm

Wow Belly you sound AWESOME!

I am proud that you are on the mend.

Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:49pm

Thanks everyone for writing to me. It's starting to sink in and i'm feeling a little better.

i just wrote this email to him to let him know that i'm sorry for mistreating him but wrote it in an unemotional sincere tone. what do you all think?

sorry to be dragging this thing on but i think you need to know that i don't hate you. i've been thinking alot about how we got to this ugly point in our relationship and i've realized that i did take you for granted.

i know you're thinking "duh" but seriously, it really hit me just recently. you've been telling me this for a long time but it just didn't sink in until now.

i'm sorry i neglected you and took you for granted. i was really self-absorbed and obsessed with my job, career, and condo. i took it for granted that you'd be around forever and that i could put you on hold. it was ridiculous for me to stay all those late nights at sampan and sacrifice for them and now look where it got me. it was ridiculous for me to work all those stupid jobs that i didn't even enjoy so that i could buy crap for my condo and now i'm hardly there. in the grand scheme of things, those things are so insignificant to me now.

i used to be romantic and i think i still am at heart. i miss that spontaneous crazy side of me that would used to write you love stories and love emails or call you up and demand that you meet me outside in the parking lot for lunch. i miss that side of me that used to surprise you by picking you up from work. i miss how you used to bring that out of me and i'm not blaming you because you didn't change...i did.

this sounds so cliche but i've learned that i should live in the moment and not take my loved ones for granted. not only did i do that to you but i did that to my family, my parents and friends. seevon confessed her resentment towards me recently for mistreating her during our vancouver vacation and i had no idea. it really upset her to the point that she was crying. i was so self-centered that i really didn't know how i was affecting other people. this has just been a huge learning experience...actually a huge kick in the ass.

what i'm really trying to say is that i'm sorry for mistreating you...sincerely. it must have really hurt you and i'm the stupidest person in the world for passing up the greatest relationship i've ever had. perhaps in a couple of months, we can become friends again and i promise, bygones will be bygones.

till then, take care and know that you'll be in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:59am

Muppest,

If you havent sent that email dont do it!! You sound like your accepting the blame for everything that went wrong...Your NOT TO BLAME!!! He cheated on you...and no matter how you felt or how you were behaving...he had no right to do that!

I was married to a man for 20 years...he had an affair and our marriage and family (4 kids) fell apart. He did all he could to blame me and me alone for his actions...Well guess what Im not perfect but I didnt do the deed!

You may not have been perfect either.....but it takes two people to make or break a relationship...let him go and let him deal with his actions. Be good to yourself!

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