How do I get over breakup???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2012
How do I get over breakup???
4
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 10:08am

My boyfriend and I were together for about a year and a half when he left me last October. I did everything for him, cleaned his house and did his laundry, cooked for him and did all his errands. I won’t go into details but he became very mean and unavailable (Could not reach him on phone, had to chase him down, etc., he would not do favors for me but would do favors for friends). He left me on Halloween, saying he was trying to dump me for a month but I was so stupid I couldn’t figure it out.

In January he came back. I had already established a new life; I went out every Friday with friends and had gone on a few dates. We began dating again and a few months later for my birthday he gave me expensive earrings with a card stating how I was the best thing that happened to him.

We have been together since and he treats me like a queen and is very good to me. I no longer clean his house or do his laundry or do his errands although I do cook for him once in a while.

My problem? I can’t get over the breakup. I am still bitter and kick myself because I never asked why he came back to me as I was so happy he did. When I try to talk to him about it, he says I am persevering over the past and things are different and asks what he is doing wrong and doesn’t he treat me good? I admit he is very good to me. But I can’t get over the breakup.

My friends think I will not be able to move once until we talk about the breakup, but he says that was the past and we need to start a new chapter. His reason for the breakup was that we were always fighting (which we were) and he could not take the drama anymore. He never really SAID why he came back…

Advice please. Am I persevering or what? What would you do in my shoes??? And if I am persevering, how do I get over it???

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 12:11pm

He came back either because he loves you and wanted to try again or because he was lonely and knew you'd take him back. Since he has worked hard to treat you better than before and has maintained that good behavior for almost a year now, I'm guessing that it's not an act, he genuinely loves you and wants to make this work.

Had you asked me in January if you should get back together with him, I would have said no - someone who doesn't have the courage or decency to break up with you but instead avoids you in hopes you get the hint and then calls you stupid when you dont is not someone who respects you. But if he's genuinely been treating you with respect since January, it seems genuine. 

My guess is that you can't stop wondering why he came back because you're still hurt and not over the break up. You're holding onto it and yes, that could sabotage the relationship. To get passed this, you and he need to have a conversation about it so you can put your feelings to rest - yes, it happened a while ago but just because he is passed it, doesn't mean you are. If he can't understand that and refuses to talk about it, you may be at an impass.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 1:41am

  This comes under the "Gift Horse Rule"  Never look a gift horse in the mouth(it shows the age).  What changed when he "came" back?  YOU were a changed person.  That is what.  You already know that you were fighting and you had overextended yourself.  Now that is not occurring.  It is time to bury this dead dog or break-up for good.  Choose.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 12:42pm

Previously, you put him to shame with such a high level of giving (by comparison) which he was unable to match. His shame turned into distain so he did even less for you and eventually just wanted you out (as the object and reminder of his inadequecy) of his life. Keep your giving equatible in the future and all future relationships and you won't have this problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 12:38pm

Thank you for the replies.  He is really a great guy and we have a good relationship.  I guess I just need to get over the bitterness of the breakup.   thanks again!!!