how do I get through this??
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| Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:08pm |
I am sorting of having a hard time. I broke up with my bf officially about 4 days ago. I did it off and on a lot though before that, and either I would just go back to him b/c I was confused or he would keep contacting me. But he knows its for good now, so we haven't had contact since then and I am sure that will continute, and i hope that helps. Anyway, I realized that feelings for him never developed, and I was just forcing them and trying to convince myself that I loved him, but I don't think I ever really did. I look back and sometimes just think wow why did I stay in it, or I didn't really do it for myself, I mean I never fully felt anything, I just sort of did it to do it. i think I just liked the idea and comfort and the roles that we played.
This is a really hard situation because even though I didn't have stong feelings for him, I still think about him, a lot, but i am sure that is normal since it has only been a few days. I wonder what he is doing, how he is, what is going on with him. All kinds of things remind me of him. I even went on a blind-date with a guy and it just didn't feel right because I am so used to my ex. I am thinking that the date was just too soon, is it possible that a person isn't ready to date yet again? Or should I jump in and discover other guys. I feel like right now if I do, that i will just compare them to him. Because honestly, i like everything about my ex and what he does, and I think a lot of things about my ex I want in a future bf, it was just him I guess that i didn't like. And that makes it really tough, because like EVERYTHING about him i like, except that I just didn't "feel" it, it is one of the suckiest things EVER.
At times, I feel like I just want to be close like that with someone again, so i fool myself and think i wanna be with him again, but it was just the closeness. I miss having someone and just the routine. This is really hard! It's like do I miss him or do I miss the idea? I'm sure it's just the idea. I am scared too, because I think i am in love with love. Meaning, right now, I seriously just want to be in love, to just find that special person, as does everyone I know...but it's like I had everything except that, and I just want to finish it and fulfill my feelings, but i couldn't with him. So it seems like I am really obsessed with finding that. And I know that isn't a good thing. i am hoping to just be single and learn to be happy with myself and that this phase will move on. It was just really hard to see my ex so in love with me and wish I could of felt that way.
I feel really really alone and just long for companionship now. i want to be close and have someone know everything about me andl ove me, again i guess, but for me to feel it back this time. gosh this is hard....
and he just texted me and said 'i still care about you', gosh this makes it so hard cuz i care about him too!!
how do i get through this????

Ok, first things first...you need to enforce no contact with him. If that means changing your number so he can't text you, then that's what you need to do (but hopefully you can just block him).
I think you had mentioned in a previous post that you were going to see a counselor. Did you go? Are you continuing to go? I think that would be a good thing for you to do right now.
As far as dating someone else, it's definitely too soon, as you discovered when you went on your blind date. You need to get over your ex first if you're going to have a healthy relationship with the next guy. Give it at least 90 days or so...but if you're having contact with your ex, then the clock starts over.
Sheri