How do I handle this CALMLY?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
How do I handle this CALMLY?!
2
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 5:10pm

Ok...my boyfriend and I broke up last August, and via a LONG road of no contact, another try (that I ended because I wasn't ready to move on from the hurt he caused me), and now yet another try (third time's a charm, right?) I've found myself at a crossroads.

He recently started a new job/career. He's been throwing himself into it and working LOTS of overtime. I'm so proud of him and his accomplishment, and love seeing him working so hard. It's taken a bit of a toll on us becuase even though we DO see each other pretty darn often (usually 4 times a week), the time we are spending together is often kind of...BLAH because he's constantly exhausted. (I should add that he's been working every Saturday but has the next 5 in a row off, and that he works at a church on Sunday mornings...so pretty much a 7 day work-week. EW.) I haven't said a WORD to him about how I've been missing our more QUALITY time toether, because I totally understand why it's been the way it's been and I want to be supportive and a stress-reliever rather than stress-giver.

Well, a couple nights ago, he came over and we ended up having a discussion. He told me that he's worried that he's getting burnt out from working so hard, and was sick of being so exhausted. He said that it wasn't fair to everyone else in his life to just get the "leftovers" of his hard days, and that he was planning on not doing so much over time and extra work starting next week. I told him that we'd always have phases where we'd be busy and we'd have to just deal with it. But I agreed with him, and told him that crumbs are ok sometimes, but I miss getting to eat the whole meal! We laughed about it, and I was overjoyed because, clearly, he had noticed what I had been feeling without me saying a word about it!

We exchanged a couple e-mails yesterday about the topic of time spent together, and since I thought we were on the same page, I opened up more about how even though I'm happy with the QUANTITY of time we spend together, I feel like we've been lacking in QUALITY. I told him that it's meant the world to me that he's come over on nights where he's so exhausted and I know he'd rather go zone out and play some video games with his best friend or just go to bed. I gave him examples of little things he or we have done that HAVE felt like quality time to me. I ended by saying that I felt that as long as we both recognize each other's needs and realize that sometimes we will see each other more than others, we'd be fine.

SOMEHOW....some wires must have gotten crossed, because he didn't call me last night like he said he would, and when I got to work this morning I had a very cold e-mail waiting for me from him saying that he had thought about it, and decided that he was wrong for telling me that he was going to cut back at work. He said his career is important to him, he'd be cheating himself if he didn't give 100% to it, and he didn't think he could "justify working bare minimum hours just because we don't see each other as much." HUH? I never told him I wanted MORE of his time.

I'm fairly confused because a few weeks ago, he told me he wanted to spend MORE time with me, and we'd been doing that. Since then, because I know how tired he's been, I don't EVER beg or plead for him to come over...he's almost ALWAYS the one to ask how my week looks and decide which day(s) he is going to come over. The e-mail I got seemed like it was meant for someone else; someone who constantly demanded ALL his free time, to be #1 at all times, and for him to cut back at work. Cutting back was HIS idea, and he said he was burnt out and tired of being exhausted. How does that translate into saying that he "knows I want to spend more time with him since he started his new job?"

I'm furious about the insinuations that he made, but I refuse to talk to him or respond at all until I can be cool, calm and collected. The fact that we might not see each other as much isn't that big of a deal. I have a lot of friends to spend timee with, and I can almost ALWAYS find SOMETHING to do any night of the week. What hurts is that it seems like he is viewing spending time with me as a CHORE or just something he's gotta do. I want him to WANT to see me, not come over because he's just making a duty round or something. I know it is not his intent to make me feel this way, but I'm not sure how to respond.

The more I've thought about it, the more I think that when I DO talk to him, I will calmly tell him that if he wants to continue working like he has been, then he should. We're young (I'm 25, he's 23, gonna be 24 in a month) and NOW is the time in our lives where we "pay our dues" so-to-speak work-wise. In the meantime, though, I plan to busy myself with all my other friends. I want to become a bit less available, because I feel that that's the only way to really find out if he's serious about us. Kind of the whole...if he wants space, give it to him thing. I don't think he wants to break up or anything, but this is rather similar to what happened last year (on this exact week, how scary is that) when we broke up the first time. (Except last year he actually said he was unsure and wanted a break/space, and I freaked out and refused to wait around for him and walked away.)

Does anyone have any thoughts? I'd especially love to hear Sandra's take on this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 5:41pm

CALM DOWN.


Really, I know that's hard to do when you're worked up into a froth, but from waaaay over here, I can already tell you what will *probably* work in this instance.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:49pm

Hey Sandra...

I agree 100%!! I just had a talk with him, I was cool, calm and collected. I told him I was here to support him, and that I knew he was overwhelmed. I was upbeat, not angry, nothing. He seemed EXTREMELY surprised, and told me he really appreciated my attitude about it. He said he didn't want to lose what we have, but that he didn't feel that he could maintain things the way they've been going.

I'm SO glad that I didn't respond to his e-mail, took all day to think about it and calm down, and read your post about 5 minutes before he called me tonight!

Thanks so much...you're so right...this was the best way to handle it. I know he cares about me, and I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt here instead of freaking out and taking it personally.

S