How do I heal???
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| Tue, 08-14-2007 - 9:54am |
So I dated this guy for over 3 years. We moved in together over a year ago. We had a wedding date for February 2008 and he was supposed to proposed to me over the summer. Mothers day I find out he had been having an affair.
Or course I was crushed and hurt. The day after we started going to couples counseling since he said he wanted to be w/ me. 2 months later I find out he's still cheating on me w/ the same girl. He tells me she's a bad person and whenever he's w/ her he just wants to come home. I've never seen a man cry so much in my life. So I gave him another chance. Well, then he lost it one day and said we were done. Now he's w/ her. She's married w/ 2 kids. Her oldest is in prison and her son lives w/ her.
Last week he was sending me messages saying he loves and misses me and is so sorry he lost his lover, best friend, and soulmate. Well I sent her all of the messages so she can know what a dog he really is. She of course sent them all to him and he blew up on me. I moved out 2 weeks ago on my own and it's so hard. I think of him everyday. I still love him and want the pain to just go away. I speak to a therapist once a week and he wants to pay for it. Why would he want to pay for it? He's actually the one that needs the serious help.
Entire situation makes me feel dirty knowing she used to come to my house during lunch every day and sleep w/ him. Of course they both had to put that in my face. I have done nothing to deserve any of this. He had it all w/ me.
My friends think he'll wake up and try to come back. I don't think he will since I don't think he has a soul or heart. How do I get over this mess?????

Hello Angie,
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope you realize that to the rest of us here, this man sounds incredibly toxic, and if I were you I would hope he NEVER wakes up. Let him remain in his weird, self-sabotaging world while you move on to better, healthier people and situations. I think the first step in healing is reciting to yourself over and over that this is not your fault or problem. Please take the time with your therapist to see this man for what he truly is - a liar. You are better than this and this dark episode in your life, so doing the work to get over it will help reduce the odds that you ever end up in this situation again. You need to get to the root of why you forgave him and why you chose him to begin with. Think back on his behaviors throughout the relationship and then try to match those with his words. This may sound off base, but his behavior showed you how little he cared about your relationship, while his "words" (tears) were just filler to get you back where he wanted you. I think this event in your life will help you to focus more on peoples' actions than what they are saying. Actions are true measures of character.
Focus on what you want out of life and what you enjoy from it. Leave the rest behind with his pathetic excuse for an existence.
Just my 2 cents.
RG
Hi Angie -
I am definitely not going through the same thing you are but I can relate. My bf of 2 years cheated on me one night. He didn't sleep with anyone but it was definitely a serious betrayal.
I totally admire your persistance in getting him out of your life. You definitely did not deserve any of it. As you said, he had it all with you.
I felt like that as well. I didn't deserve the disrespect that was handed to me and I knew I was a great girlfriend. He also cried so much about it and was so sorry it happened.
I am going through crazy feelings of hating him one second, and missing him the other, and wanting to get back, and then getting crazy pissed. I just want to get over it.
I've been given advice that I should just feel all my feelings and in time after the pain and anger subsides, I will see everything for what it really is and see what I want in a relationship.
My advice to you would be to keep living your life independent of him, don't contact him no matter what. Get angry and feel what you're feeling. Vent to friends or this board. And maybe after a month or a few weeks, you'll objectively see what type of person he is and what type of relationship you had and you'll figure out what you really want and will or will not stand for. It is hard because it's so raw for you now. But it will get better.
You're right, you do not deserve this disrespect and betrayal.
Good luck to you.
Even if your friends are right, why the heck would you WANT him back???? He's a cheater! Is that really the type of man you want for a partner????
Hopefully in your therapy you are focusing on accepting the reality of who this man is. And no, do not let him pay for it--do not have any contact with him at all.
You heal by accepting reality, and accepting that he's not the right man for you (how can he be, given what he did?). No contact is the first step.
Sheri
Ok this guy sounds like a jerk. That's the easiest kind of guy to get over because from what you've written here he was definately stringing one or both of you along at one point. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too and didn't care who got hurt in the process.
Then,when you called him on his @#%& he got mad at YOU???
Uhm try selfish, cruel, and stupid for starters, and be glad he's out of your life. :)
Edited 8/14/2007 12:59 pm ET by plutosbitch
Welcome to the board angie_k_r,
Even though he's toxic, a liar and a cheater, you still have to grieve.
You will get over it by finding a great guy who would NEVER cheat on you! I know you love him, but the repeated cheating thing is a deal breaker. Don't settle for someone so unworthy of you. Time will heal your pain and just take it one day at a time. Just keep telling yourself that is wasn't meant to be. Because it wasn't.
Being without him is being available for someone faithful and fabulous!
Good luck!
P.S. My good friend Bono (LOL) once said "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." I just love that saying!